A/N: New chapter! And this one is betad! Thank you so much: Charity❤️ 🤗
The sun had risen. The soft yellow light filled the living room and created a somewhat dream-like atmosphere. Joni was sitting on the bed; the sun hadn’t shone as brightly for days, and it seemed somewhat ironic that it had chosen such a day to finally emerge from hiding.
”Here, I think I remembered your size correctly.” Chris said as he dropped the stack of clothes on the bed. T-shirt, college pants, underpants and socks. Joni looked at the pile of clothes silently. He found himself wondering how many days Chris had reserved clean clothes for him.
Joni felt the exhaustion intense. The fight of the previous night ached all over his body. He had barely slept after the medicated sleep. For the rest of the night, well into the morning, Chris had been closely snuggled against him. A strong arm was wrapped around him, and Joni had not been able to move. The man smelled of liquor and it nauseated him.
Joni’s gaze wandered towards the bedroom door, which was closed. Behind the door, Aki’s corpse still lay. – It was true, it had happened.
“He’s not there anymore.” Chris said after noticing his gaze. Chris poured himself a glass of whiskey and drank it. Joni swallowed. He had witnessed the deaths of two people the night before and yet he was not allowed to think of it any further, not now. In a time of apparent calm, he was alone with the man who had brought him here, who carried a gun on his belt and could use it if he got angry.
He looked at his former partner, who sat down at the table and lit a cigarette. The smoke from the tobacco filled the room and irritated his nostrils. Joni rubbed his face, he wanted to wash himself. He wanted back home. The thought of Misha and his family ached at his chest, squeezing his throat. Joni knew how worried they all were. He had to survive.
Chris seemed pensive, nervous as he smoked his cigarette. Joni looked out for a moment. The branches of the trees sagged under the weight of the snow. He felt the heat on his skin and brought his gaze again to Chris, who stared back at him in silence.
”I’d like to take a shower, can I?” Joni asked cautiously. Chris nodded and quenched his cigarette before getting up.
Joni followed his ex-boyfriend with his gaze until he disappeared somewhere around the corner, and he shifted his gaze back to the window. He felt tears dampen his eyes but held himself back from crying. Chris returned and handed him a towel.
”I’ll prepare something to eat for us.” He said and Joni nodded softly before getting up. He wrapped a towel around his waist and picked up the clothes with him.
People had survived worse, much worse, he tried to remind himself as he stepped into the bathroom. He lowered the pile of clothes to the shelf level before using the toilet to empty his bladder. He would survive this, – Joni repeated in his mind, feeling the need for reassurance. He came to the shower and opened the faucet, his hand touching the water and causing his whole body to shiver from the cold. Joni breathed in, tried to turn the faucet warm, but it didn’t have much of an effect. He grit his teeth; he would take it because he desperately wanted to get cleaned.
The bottle of shower soap was white and on the side was a picture of a lime and mint, the text was in Russian saying something about freshness. He felt a strong lime aroma as she squeezed the liquid on his palm before rubbing his skin in the cold shower. The scent was so strong that he suspected he would remember it forever, a trace of this moment, a place he would not have cared to go back to.
Joni tried to think of something else, anything. Childhood, summers in Oulu… Grandma had often made pancakes that tasted more delicious than anyone else’s and they ate them with homemade strawberry jam. Grandfather had once given him a jar of fly larvae and he had been eagerly awaiting their hatching. It had been exciting to watch when they finally crawled out and they released them… Memories were weird… Things that he hadn’t thought about for years suddenly emerged. Forgotten, good things about grandparents. The moments when Grandpa had shown gentleness, love in his own way. When he grew up, Joni hadn’t seen that side anymore, but perhaps he just had been blind to the subtle signs… And now in retrospect, at a moment like this, the thought was sad. He wondered if he’d ever see his grandparents again, if he could ever tell them that he loved them despite what it may have seemed.
A sudden memory of his mother when they had been shopping on one rainy summer day. He remembered how grey the day had been, but it wasn’t gloomy, there had been something enchanting about it.
He had just learned to ride a bike without training wheels, his mother had walked beside him. In the shop, he had gotten to choose one toy for himself, as a reward for learning a new skill. He had chosen carefully; it was a green toy car with opening doors, a pickup. He wanted to drown in those memories until they were the only ones he understood anymore, until this reality disappeared somewhere behind the fog. However, he knew that was not possible.
After the shower, Joni dried himself thoroughly, his leg still aching and various bruises and bumps had appeared on his body. He swallowed hard, feeling desperation about to re-emerge. He took a breath, walked in front of the mirror and looked at himself. He was trembling. His cheekbone had turned red and was slightly swollen, with a small wound on his lip. Joni raised his trembling hand to his face to touch the bruises softly and through the mirror he looked to his finger where Chris had burned an eternal mark.
He felt anxiety spread. What would Misha think? And the night before… Chris was… He was… It had been enjoyable until he had realised who he was with. But he had enjoyed it! His body had enjoyed it… nevertheless, It embarrassed him; it was nauseating… For a moment Joni took support from the tub, tears were forcing their way up and he had to gasp for air to try and calm.
He finally got a grip on himself, took a deep breath, blew air between his lips, and dried his tears. He looked at his image from the mirror almost defiantly. ”You’ll survive this.” He whispered defiantly to his image. ”You’ll survive!” He added and splashed some water on his face. He gathered himself for a moment longer before returning to Chris’ company.
Chris sat down, his legs feeling weak. His hand trembled slightly as he grabbed the bottle and poured whiskey into the glass. He had just checked the news to see if anything had been mentioned about last night’s events. And it surely was! Aki’s and his pictures had been published and police wanted clues from anyone who had information about their movements or sightings from them over the past days. His hand trembled heavily as he brought the glass to his lips. He heard the noise of the shower from the bathroom. The sun was shining outside, the snow reflecting its brightness, he felt unreal.
Understanding that options dwindled. Understanding how final the situation was.
He wished it had been darker. They were sought after, and that light seemed far too revealing. Chris didn’t honestly know what to do. He had thought they could leave, look for some new place to hide. But how widely were they sought? How many would have paid attention to the news? They should have had forged identities and passports in order to have any hope of crossing the border. The fragility of the whole plan began to dawn on him. Probably Aki had seen it further, but Chris began to realize that he had never been included in Aki’s follow-up plan.
Chris looked towards the bathroom door. The noise of the shower had stopped.
He didn’t want to think. He did not immediately want to admit the facts. Chris dug out another cigarette and lit it. He had started smoking more and more, it wasn’t good… He glanced at the whiskey glass on the table and fumbled it into his hands. He also knew he was drinking too much. It didn’t seem very relevant at the time.
Chris snapped from his thoughts as the bathroom door opened. Joni entered the room, dressed in the clothes he had given him. The younger man looked uncertainly at him. Chris had no solution on how to proceed, how long would it be before they were found? Was the tenant of the cottage already in contact with the police? Had he met Aki face to face? Where could they go?
Chris got up and pulled up a chair for Joni. ”Sit down.” He said and followed the younger man with his gaze, as he limped slowly closer. Joni was afraid of him. That fear oozed from the essence of the younger man. The day before, observing it would have made him feel satisfied, but now… He felt like a monster and didn’t like it. At the same time, the news that they were being searched for so prominently seemed to paralyze him.
Chris walked to the kitchen corner where he burned out his cigarette, sipping whiskey from his glass. He had killed a man… Aki had killed a man. The probability that he would be imprisoned in Russia… For several years… He believed that prison time in Finland would feel like a luxury holiday compared to that. And if other prisoners found out he was homosexual…
He didn’t want to think. He glanced at Joni, who was sitting in front of the table staring silently out the window. The sun shone in his dark hair and as he sensed his gaze, Joni turned his face toward him. For a moment their eyes met. Joni’s senses seemed to be extremely tense, ready to react to anything he would do.
How much time was there? Chris gritted his teeth and opened the refrigerator. There was no place to hide, and it was the unhappy truth. Cold and raw truth. He stared for a moment at the contents of the refrigerator, the groceries that they had only bought with Aki the day before yesterday. And he had imagined reaching something crucial by getting to this point, that it would solve everything wrong in his life.
It was leading to a solution, though perhaps not the one he would have wanted. Chris picked up the chicken package. He closed the fridge and stared at it for a moment, before glancing back at Joni, whose hands rested against the table. He was still looking out the window. The irritated, red skin around the wrists told the harsh reality that Joni wasn’t here voluntarily, the traces spat the truth in his face. Chris wouldn’t have wanted to see it.
He hoped the situation could be normal, that Joni would have wanted to be in that room with him. He wished they could have eaten a good meal and made love. Without the nagging feeling in the back of his mind that soon someone would find them, and everything would be over.
He didn’t want it to be over. He wasn’t ready, not yet.
Restless thoughts jumped in different directions. It felt like standing on the edge of a chasm when everything in the background had already been lit to burn and he couldn’t see a bridge anywhere to get to the other side where it was calm and safe. The chicken rattled in the pan; he had acted like a robot not remembering the moment he had lifted the fillets into the pan.
Memories about the life lived sprung to his consciousness.
He remembered his first apartment. It had been a small student unit near his school. He had just turned eighteen. Adam had helped him move the little stuff that he owned. Chris remembered how relieved he had been after leaving home, for a moment it had felt like all evil could be forgotten. Everything had still been ahead and there had been room to breathe.
Chris took the ingredients to prepare the salad. He glanced again at Joni, who was still sitting there quietly, pale, looking expressionless down at his hands.
Chris remembered what it had been like in the beginning. When their relationship had been young and exciting. He had wanted it to last. It was a thankful moment when he had felt a freedom he had not felt before. Be free to love another man. Joni had given it to him.
He had been ashamed of his own sexuality for a long time. He had known how his parents would react. How most would react. Although he had known Adam for a long time, he had not even told him about his own orientation before adulthood. And he hadn’t wanted Adam to spread the information to others. That was why Suvi hadn’t known either, when he came to Finland the first time.
Joni had changed his own attitude. The one who thought it best to conceal a large part of himself. And the truth was, he might have been subconsciously looking for a reason to get away. Someone to help him get out.
He remembered when he had finally told Adam. They had been in his first apartment playing video games until late at night, and even then, only encouraged by the alcohol they had consumed. They had talked about girls, well, Adam had talked and he…
It had seemed the right moment.
“You know Adam, I’m gay,” he recalled interrupting his friend. ”And before you get scared and rush out… No, you’re not at all my type in that way.”
Adam had been silent for a moment and grinned. ”Nice that you finally said it out loud.” He had poked Chris’ arm playfully.
Chris had to admit he was a little embarrassed. ”How can you know?” He had wondered. ”There’s no way it can be seen just by looking at me!” He had burst into an almost hurt tone and Adam had then burst out laughing.
“No… I’m sure it can’t really be seen. But hey… You are my best friend… And I have never heard you talk about any woman! Although you have had a lot of offers!
Damn Chris! Charlotte just offered her tits in front of your face, at that one party and you were just… not interested!” Adam had raised his hand in the air, gesturing drunkenly. “And I… damn… just thinking about the unfairness of the world! That girl has been the object of my wet dreams since seventh grade! And no … she doesn’t notice me at all… Yeah and that exchange student… where was he from? From Denmark or somewhere? That guy who had a damn difficult name to pronounce. Well, you were staring at his ass – yes I noticed.”
”Oh, I’m so relieved to finally talk about this!” Adam had sighed cheerfully. ”I’ll get us another beer!”
Adam’s friendship had been the most uncomplicated relationship in his life. Chris felt a strangling sensation in his throat while feeling his eyes open to reality. How much had Adam supported him? And how much had he tried? Chris lifted the glass to his lips and emptied it. How much had he already demanded of that friendship? This could not be redeemed.
The chicken fillets were still frying in the pan and otherwise it was very quiet. Chris remembered the first day he had met Joni. He remembered what Joni had been wearing, he remembered the mischievous look and playful grin, how his touch had made him feel … At first it had been lust, pure lust, an adventure in a foreign land. Something to experience, something that you could leave behind and remember later in your own privacy.
But the feelings he had not been able to control had awakened. He had thought that moving to Finland would solve all his problems, make life somehow whole and happy. He had imagined their lives differently, notwithstanding that Joni might not follow the script he had written for them. Although it was Joni’s liveliness and impulsiveness that he had originally fell in love with. It should have been predictable.
Chris was able to assemble the portions, salad and chicken. He had cooked the similar lunch when Joni had first come to him in Canada. He placed the plate in front of Joni and brought a bottle of wine and glasses to the table before sitting down in the opposite place with his own plate.
Joni looked up as Chris poured wine into his glass. The atmosphere was weird and changed. The nature of Chris had changed. The man no longer seemed angry, but melancholy. And this change made him nervous, although the threat of violence no longer seemed so obvious yet… Joni realized that some moment of settlement was at hand.
”I want you to drink with me today.” Chris said and lifted the glass to his lips looking at him. Joni grabbed his glass slowly, it felt better not to resist.
After drinking from the glass, Chris grabbed his fork and knife. ”Let’s eat.”
Joni didn’t dare say anything. He felt Chris’s intense stare that made him grab his cutlery. He didn’t have an appetite but knew it would be good to even try to get the food down.
He brought the first forkful into his mouth, too aware that Chris was watching him. And he chewed on his chicken pieces troubled, even swallowing felt awkward.
”I had thought we could travel to Alaska together.” Chris finally said and sipped the wine. “I thought we’d find a cottage there. When I was a kid, I thought it would be cool, get out there… Or somewhere. Where one could find peace. Where no one, that you didn’t want, could find you.”
Joni looked at his ex-boyfriend, unsure how to react. Chris smiled. “I didn’t plan this very well. It must seem clear by now.” Chris brought the glass to his lips again. Joni didn’t know what to say, unsure of what to grab. His heart pounded nervously in his chest. Joni grabbed his own glass and brought it to his lips. He drank and tried to calm down. That was hard. He lowered the glass to the table and grabbed the fork and knife again.
“You haven’t really talked to me about your childhood,” Joni finally said, looking at Chris cautiously. The man smiled.
”And now you want to talk about it?” Chris emptied the contents of his glass down his throat and poured himself more.
”I don’t think there will be a better moment.” Joni replied in a more tired voice than he would have liked.
”That’s the Joni I recognize.” Chris said with a small grin. “Cheeky…” he added before taking another sip from his glass. The man fell silent for a moment and stared at the contents of his glass before sighing. “My dad was… no, is. A violent drunk.” Chris spun the glass in his hand and smiled. “I hated him… Yet sometimes I supported the hope that he could change, that he could learn to like me. Then I hated him again and now… I’ve changed into being just like him, right? Chris looked straight at Joni, who couldn’t hold his gaze for long. “I wanted to forget it. I never wanted to be like my father, but it happened so gradually, like an illness you can’t escape from.”
“You can still get better,” Joni said cautiously after considering his words. ”You can right now, it’s not too late…”
Chris smiled and spun the glass in his hand. ”I’d be imprisoned for years, you know?” He asked and took a sip. ”And you say it’s not too late?”
Joni couldn’t answer that. Despair tightened his throat, questions he didn’t dare ask criss-crossed his mind. “Aki killed that man… Yegor…” He finally said quietly, uncertainly. ”You didn’t want that…”
”Do you think they’re interested in who pulled the trigger?” Chris asked, almost contemptuously. ”I’m still a murderer and a depriver of liberty.”
Joni was silent, losing the last remnants of his appetite. ”My family is worried.” He noted. “Aki said he demanded a ransom from my dad… Dad must be out of his mind with worry…” Joni did his best to face Chris’s gaze, which was still cold.
Chris was silent and took another sip of his drink. The gloomy look hardened his features. “Your father… You didn’t even realize how lucky you were to have such a parent. I liked your father…. If my own father cared even a third of what your father cares for you… “Chris spoke in bitter tone.
“You don’t have to tell me how lucky I was… I know that now…” Joni felt as tears slowly fell down his cheeks. Chris looked at him, the coldness was still there, but it slowly began to crumble. The man nodded and moved his gaze down to the glass he was holding in his hand.
”What do you see in that man?” Chris asked surprisingly. ”That Russian?”
Joni looked up, feeling the exhaustion heavy. He was puzzled and unsure how he could answer without the giving the wrong answer that would anger Chris. For a moment they silently studied each other, before Joni swallowed looking down at his hands.
“Lots of things…” He finally replied quietly. “I don’t think that…” He hesitated.
”That I want to hear?” Chris guessed. “That I can’t handle it? I can’t stand that man, that’s true. I know you met before the two of us met. And that man couldn’t appreciate you the way you were then. He didn’t see you like I did.” Chris snorted. “And hell, how I wish I could…” Chris interrupted his sentence and clenched his fist before raising the glass to his lips again. Joni looked at the man sadly, his throat was dry.
”What if we met somehow differently?” Chris pondered. “If I had beat him to it, been the first I mean. Do you think we would have succeeded?”
Joni slid his finger on the surface of the wine glass, nervous. He did not believe that the outcome could have changed. Chris would always have found reasons for jealousy somewhere. “I don’t know Chris…” He replied quietly, just wanting out of the whole situation. Out of this circle that had no end in sight.
“You were too young. And I… immature.” Chris said, which surprised Joni. “Maybe if we had met later. If I had managed to get out of my own uncertainties and you wouldn’t have faced that other man anymore. Or maybe you would have seen his faults if I hadn’t…” Chris had a pained expression on his features. “If only we could have met later. Ready. Maybe then we wouldn’t have ended up here.”
Joni looked at the man for a moment without knowing what to say because now Chris had really managed to surprise him. Chris seemed to finally understand the consequences of his own actions and their injustice. Yet that insight might soon be forgotten as quickly as it had been born.
”I didn’t want to be this kind of person, I really didn’t. You believe me?” Chris asked. Joni nodded, a bile rose to his throat and his eyes were stinging. “I wanted to succeed with you, I wanted to keep you. Perhaps the feeling you gave me.” Chris smiled and lifted the glass to his lips again. “Sometimes you only realize everything when you are standing right on the edge. Back against the wall, forced into a corner and still it’s difficult to let go.”
“Even if you don’t believe it, you still have a chance,” Joni swallowed, interrupting his sentence. ”I want to help… I want… we can leave here together and get help.” He wanted to get home alive, intact. Alone or together, he wanted to go home. Honestly, he would be happy if he never needed to hear from Chris again after that. But admitting it out loud would hardly win this game.
Chris snorted and got up. ”Together?” He almost laughed, “you’ll say anything just to get away from me! Damn, I’d like to believe there would be a solution to this. A new chance, a new start…”
Chris walked toward the window and glanced out before he lit another cigarette. Joni’s head ached and despair felt crushing. ”I want to go home. It is true.” He finally said. ”But I also want you to get help.” That, too, was true. This time, it would be best to have the kind of help that would completely break the obsession and free him from it.
Chris turned to him and looked as if estimating. ”I promise I’ll help you.” Joni tried to convince. ”I care about what happens to you in spite of everything.” He felt tears gathering in his eyes again, he wasn’t sure how seriously he meant it. Though he felt some sympathy, it was mostly just small remains under the fear and disgust that Chris had brought with his actions. ”We can’t hide here forever.” He finally added though at the same time he was afraid to say it out loud.
Chris blew smoke out of his mouth. ”It is true.” The man admitted. ”The truth is, I have nothing to return to.”
Joni had feared Chris would say so. ”Adam cares about you.” He said in a broken voice. “And… Everything you don’t see now may be yet to come. People you haven’t met yet…”
Chris was silent and burned out his cigarette before throwing the stub into the fireplace. ”Adam has already given me too many opportunities.” Chris stated. ”He won’t forgive me anymore.”
”How do you know?” Joni asked with quivering voice.
”Can you?” Chris asked and tilted his head. ”Can you forgive?” Chris walked closer and finally sat next to Joni, and Joni couldn’t hold back his tears. “The only forgiveness I need to hear to cope is from your lips…”
Could he forgive? It was a lot to ask. And Joni didn’t really know if he could or would even want to after everything. “I want to try…” He was finally able to say, and Chris brought his hand to his cheek, examining Joni’s face. “The future feels difficult… but I want to see it, Chris. I want to live.” Chris did not answer, leaned forward, and captured his lips as he moved his hand to the back of his head. Joni shivered, feeling uncomfortable, but he didn’t fight it any more than he would have answered the kiss.
Chris relaxed his grip, his hand fluttering gently over his skin. He stayed close to Joni, holding his gaze. “If I could go back to the start,” Chris whispered. “I’m not sure which moment I’d choose… When I first saw you? When we first slept together? When you asked me to come with you and we lifted…? When you first came to meet me in Canada…? Or… When we were in Paris together, remember?”
Joni nodded and Chris swept the tears away from his face. “That anger and jealousy is like poison… It fills my veins and obscures my thoughts… It ruins everything… Everything that could have been and it’s still inside me… I’m fighting… “Chris leaned forward to a new kiss, a soft flick on his lips. Joni closed his eyes, couldn’t stop the tears, he was tired of these explanations… “If I had a moment…, Would you give me a moment… Imagine that it could be true… I could still be good… and that you could still love me… imagine a moment that it could still be pure …”
A new kiss, Joni parted his lips, acting mostly out of fear and let Chris pull him even closer. What had happened could not be forgotten, not really. Not the numerous times Chris would have hurt him both physically and mentally. Nothing would wipe the table clean. He wished he could have forgotten for himself as well as Chris, but he understood its impossibility. And this sudden affection could disappear as fast as it had emerged, it was better to swim with it to find a moment to let go, to be released, to return home.
It was an opportunity. And Joni responded with a kiss to relax his captor. It inspired Chris, the man slipping his hand under his shirt, rubbing against his lips more and more fiercely.
“I want you,” Chris gasped. ”Gods, I want you… Do you remember how passionate it was between us?” He whispered. “You were eager and ready… That’s what I miss…” Chris’s hands wandered under his clothes fervently and finally guided him into his arms with scattered legs. And Joni didn’t object. Lustful hands on his shattered body made it painful at times and a soft whimper escaped his lips.
He had to get the gun, Joni understood, he had to get it out of this endless circle with Chris, and this was the way. Chris would relax and… He would get back home. A way to get home. Chris opened the zipper of his pants and then took Joni’s hand guiding it between their bodies, placing it on his hard organ. “Feel how much I want you,” Chris gasped, moving his other hand behind Joni’s back, slipping it under his pants to caress his bare butt.
Joni let out a small gasp. He bit his teeth together. He forced himself to act, wrapped his reluctant hand around Chris’s member, squeezing it more gently than he really wanted. The nausea and anger he felt for the man when forced into this situation had to be swallowed.
He tried his best to remember what Chris had once been. Remember that under all that evil was still a person who could be good too. His eyes stung, his chest ached, and he moved his hand over Chris’ erection, not wanting to think about what he was really doing. He didn’t want to feel Chris ’hands on his body or hear those lewd sighs.
Joni startled as Chris moved his hand between his legs and began to rub him at the same time as one hand still squeezed his butt. It felt wrong. He felt his body begin to respond, but his mind was disgusted with where the situation was going and did not want to accept the pleasure that was unwelcome to his mind.
Joni lowered his hand alongside Chris, looked at the man’s gaze and leaned over to kiss him. Chris sighed in satisfaction, his hand moving slowly from his buttocks along his back to his hair. “I want to suck you…” Joni whispered; the sound felt strange in his ears. It was strange. The words he had forced himself to say, knowing he didn’t really want anything of this. And that lie shook him and how naturally he had been able to pronounce that lie after all.
Chris smiled. Leaning forward to a new kiss, reluctant to doubt his intentions. Chris wanted to believe that he really wanted this, that the former could only be wiped out by the invisible or maybe the man imagined that he had secretly enjoyed everything, secretly wanted it. -The thought increased the nausea and part of him was already ready to retreat.
“Damn I didn’t know I could get more aroused,” Chris sighed and licked his lips. “You get what you want… I want to fuck that lovely mouth of yours…” Chris raised his hand and swung his fingers through his lips before pushing two fingers between them and looking at him lustfully. Joni fought against tears, but at the same time forced himself to suck Chris’ fingers teasingly. He tried something like a smile, when the man finally pulled his fingers out.
“Go over to the bed…” Chris said, and Joni got up slowly. “Wait…” Chris said hoarsely. “Take off your shirt…” he added and Joni who had just turned his back against Chris gritted his teeth. What was he doing? Did this consent invalidate the previous one? Was it a fraud against Misha? Would Misha forgive if he knew? He had uttered those words… “I want to suck you…” It repeated in his ears, made him shudder. Still, it would be foolish to retreat now. He lifted his shirt before turning and sitting slowly on the bed.
Chris smiled and got up, approaching him slowly. His cock stood erect and ready from between the open zippers. Chris opened his belt where the gun was hanging in its case. Joni held his breath. Afraid his gaze would reveal the real plan. However, it seemed to work, at least until now, Chris had relaxed, taken by his lust. The man took off his shirt and pants with a belt, leaving the gun carelessly worn in his case. Instantly Chris was already in front of him, his hands rising to his face, caressing.
Joni glanced half-carelessly at the floor. The risk of failure was too great even now, as soon as he made a sudden move his intentions would be revealed and Chris’s rage would no longer be easy to appease. It was necessary to complete this task first and win the trust. Home, he would get home. Joni tried to focus on that thought. Chris settled closer and closer, so that his cock was already poking against his lips. Soon this could all be over.
Sighs echoed in his ears as Chris started fucking his mouth, his hands guiding his head, making him gag. Joni’s only goal was to get the situation over as soon as possible. He did his best and remotely realized that all those lewd sighs would haunt his dreams for a long time to come.
“Ah .. damn Joni… I’m cumming…” Hands stopped as Chris’s body tensed, and Joni felt the cock pulsating as it erupted into his mouth. There was not much semen and Joni forced himself to swallow it down. Chris’ hands brushed his hair gently, in love. “Perfect,” Chris praised.
Chris guided him to lie down and moved next to him. The man brushed Joni’s body, slowly moving his hand lower towards his crotch. Chris fetched a kiss from his lips and Joni felt even more anxious when realizing that Chris was going to return the favour. He knew he wouldn’t have wanted it, but how to refuse so that Chris wouldn’t suspect anything?
“If I could have your forgiveness… I could still heal and change…” Chris whispered as he slipped his hand under his pants. ”Maybe… maybe we can still come up with something… Maybe there’s a place we could go?” Chris’ voice was hopeful, and it made him feel even more uncomfortable.
Chris kissed his neck, moving slowly towards his chest while pulling his pants lower, to be able to caress him better. “New opportunity… a new life…”
Joni swallowed. The anxiety grew and this time his body did not respond to Chris’ attempts to get him aroused. In this situation, it was perhaps bad? Chris would doubt it and the opportunity would be gone.
”W-where could we go?” Joni was able to ask.
”Where would you like?” Chris smiled and shifted his attention back to Joni’s grotch, spitting into his hand and continuing to caress. Joni moved nervously, Chris glancing questioningly at his face.
“I’m nervous,” Joni finally admitted honestly. “I’m sorry… What happened yesterday, with Aki… “He swallowed. ”I try not to think about it… but… He threatened me with such horrible things.”
Chris stopped the movement of his hand and his expression got serious. “I made a mistake with him, I’m sorry. We should have settled this between the two of us, like you said. I promise to make this up. I’ll come up with something. Do not worry. I will keep you safe.” Chris pulled his pants back up. He pressed a gentle kiss to his lips.
”You must be exhausted… Rest a little.” Chris said and took the blanket, which he gently covered him with before laying down beside him.
Chris had fallen asleep; the man’s arm was wrapped around him, and Joni was staring at the roof. The clock was ticking somewhere farther away, it was already starting to get dark outside. He hadn’t dared to move until he was sure Chris was asleep. And even now he felt terrified to make his own move, afraid that Chris would wake.
But he was wasting time. A risk had to be taken.
He moved his head, turned his face to look at Chris, who looked calm and relaxed, almost too relaxed to be the same man who had abused him so many times.
Joni took a deep breath, tried to calm down and focus. If Chris woke up, he would just have to be faster. He had to push through pain and discomfort. He would take the gun first. If Chris was still asleep after he got it, he would get dressed, look for outerwear and car keys, maybe a phone. One should be able to call the emergency number even if the keypad was otherwise locked, right? Wouldn’t they then get location information? And if the car didn’t start in the cold, he could still have hope that the help would get there in time.
After silently going through his plan, Joni realized it was time to act. His heart pounded nervously as he grabbed Chris’s hand moving it carefully away from him. In his mind, he tried to focus on the idea of succeeding in his mission without giving power to the fear of what would happen if he failed.
When he got Chris’ hand successfully lowered next to the man without waking him up, part of him wanted to rush. Quickly get the gun before his short fortune would run out, but the rush might cost him. Joni was so nervous that it made him nauseous. His palms were sweating, and although he tried to be as agile as possible, he felt relatively clumsy and heavy. The bed creaked and made him hold his breath. Chris moved but didn’t wake up.
The hardest task was to move as silently as possible, and without touching, over Chris’ sleeping form. Joni felt relentless aching over his body, yet he swallowed the pain, endured. Had to focus. A momentary sense of relief filled him as he reached the floor over Chris. There was no time to bask in that feeling. Joni crawled closer to the pile of clothes; it was already dark enough that he had to squint to see. His hands trembled heavily, every sound felt shockingly loud, and he was sure Chris would wake up soon, then it was better to have the gun already at his reach.
Feeling his hand hit the cold metal, he let out another relieved sigh. That was it, he got it. The first stage had been completed and had been the most critical of all.
Joni pulled the gun out and checked it, the fuse was on. Next, he had to find the clothes. Joni put on a t-shirt he had previously taken off and then sneaked as quietly as he could, trying to look around for extra clothing. He had no idea where his own clothes had ended up. There was one travel bag in the corner of the room. Joni came closer and knelt. The adrenaline was already running so high that he no longer felt the pain in his knee.
Joni opened the zipper, lifted a few clothes until he found a long sleeve. Its smell was too familiar, disgusting… Aki… These were Aki’s clothes. Joni gritted his teeth; this wasn’t the time to chew on it. He needed a warmer clothing if he indented to escape outside
Next, he needed to find the phone. He remembered seeing one in Chris’ hand at some point but wasn’t at all sure where the man might have put it. His nervousness grew moment by moment as he tried to sneak along the room looking for the phone. Time would run out at any moment; it raised despair that was of no help at all. Besides, the light started to fade, and it didn’t make this any easier.
The bed creaked and Joni felt his heart jump. He turned, squeezing the gun in his hand tightly.
”What are you doing?” Chris asked. The man was sitting up, looking genuinely confused for a moment. Joni raised his weapon, trying to prevent himself from trembling. He pointed the barrel at his former male friend, holding the gun with both hands.
”I want the car keys and the phone.” Joni said in as steady a voice as he could. Chris looked at him, tilting his head. And Joni wasn’t sure what was moving in the man’s head, anger, disappointment, furry mixed with sadness perhaps? Maybe all of them?
”Now!” Joni demanded more forcefully. Chris rubbed his face, laughing grimly. And then shook his head.
“Fool…” The man whispered before looking up at Joni. ”I fell for the act, congratulations.” He said and slowly got up from the bed.
Joni swallowed thickly. ”Stay still! Don’t come any closer!” He said and took a few steps back.
”How am I supposed to get them for you if I’m not allowed to move?” Chris asked. His voice had an unfamiliar ring to it, disappointment? – That’s was it. And his expression… Joni wasn’t sure how to interpret it… but hadn’t seen it before… It was a mix of different emotions. The witnessing of those emotions felt uncomfortable in a way he could not explain to himself.
”Where are they?” Joni asked. Chris got closer. Joni felt even more nervous, he took the safety off from the gun. ”Don’t come any closer!” He breathed tensely. Chris looked at him, the man smiled a little and that smile was sad. The man raised his hand slowly.
”I have nothing Joni.” Chris said and came one step closer. ”Nothing to fight for anymore… I foolishly imagined that everything could be fixed… So just pull the trigger, go ahead.” Chris incited and took another step closer again. Joni felt tears in his eyes, he trembled. This had not been part of the plan; he had not really prepared for this even if he should have! “Kill me if you want. I have nothing more to lose. I have already lost you.”
“Chris don’t…” Joni cried. ”Stop… I just want to go home… Let me go home.” His hands trembled. Chris came closer and closer until there was no room to retreat, and Joni’s back hit the wall. He hated his own weakness, part of him screamed at him to pull the trigger like Chris had asked. The man deserved it! Chris didn’t stop! And Chris didn’t think he would do it and right now he proved that weakness right! Shooting him would be self-defence!
Still, with Chris standing right in front of him now, the man guided the barrel over his heart and looked at him defiantly. “Shoot. Get rid of me. Just pull the trigger, Joni. We both know I deserve it.”
Chris looked into his eyes; the man’s eyes were watering. Joni cried, groaning in anger in front of the situation he had been forced into. ”Shoot.” Chris repeated. “The phone is on the bookshelf, the top shelf. Car keys in my jacket pocket in a hanger. End this.”
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