11-13 love and broken hearts

Chapter 11.


I’m laying on the couch, crying quietly, my head resting on Cecilia’s, my big sisters lap. She’s stroking my hair gently.
“He’s not worth your tears…” She whispers and wipes the tears away from my cheeks. I nod my head, sobbing miserably. I’ve been crying since I came, not feeling so proud of myself, but it seems that I’ve lost the ability to stop myself from crying. Cecilia saw me, hugged me and asked what was wrong, I haven’t even been able to tell her what’s really wrong, but I guess it was easy to figure out. She lets me calm down, not asking questions, that I’m not ready to answer. She gives me comfort; I knew this would be the right place to come.

“Would you like a cup of tea? I think it would do you some good.” She suggests then.
“Okay…” I mutter and rose to sit. I follow her into the kitchen.

I sit down in front of the table. It takes a moment before a steaming hot cup of tea is placed in front of me. I spin my spoon inside the cup and wonder why people are always offering tea, when your feeling low? Cecilia takes the seat opposite from me.
“Would you like to tell what happened?” She asks, while pouring some milk into my tea and then into her own. She offers the sugar can closer; I tip two teaspoons in, and mix it up with my spoon. I sigh deeply.

“Joni cheated on me and I left him.” I start, glancing at her. She has a concentrated look on her face. “I don’t know how long it’s been going on, but yesterday while we were at the cabin, I heard him begging to get some from Marko, and apparently they had already done it on Friday night.”
“You mean Mr. Paris Hilton?” Cecilia asks. Hm… So I have told her about Marko before too…
“Oh, he’s such a pig!” She calls out. “Cheating on you at the cabin?! Unbelievable! I’m going to hang his penis! No one treats my little brother this way and gets away with it.” She fumes. I’m quietly wondering how is it exactly, that one hangs a penis, but I decide that I necessarily don’t need to know that.

“Men are such arseholes at times!” Cecilia yells at the same moment that her husband walks into the room, yawning, scratching his balls through his Micky Mouse boxers, –charming…
“What have I done now?” He asks. Cecilia turns to look at him.
”Nothing honey.” She answers. ”Not this time.” She adds with a grin, her gaze lowers down on his body. “Oh my god, take those boxers off right now.” She says when seeing what he has on. Pauli looks at her with confusion, then at me and then at himself.

“What I meant was; go and dress something on. Are you really such a dump ass that you don’t realize that my brother is here.” A wide grin spreads on his face when he looks at me.
“Yes, might turn you on too much.” He says, tapping on his beer belly.
“I hardly know what to do with myself.” I give him a lazy smile. Pauli kisses the air, and winks at me.
“Stop hitting on my brother or I’ll cut your balls off when you sleep.” Cecilia jokes.
“I love you too sweetheart.” He grins and kisses her cheek before leaving the room.

Pauli really is a nice guy, he might joke about my sexuality, but it’s always a friendly humor that we both share. With him I don’t have to pretend being something that I’m not.


My phone has been ringing all day long and I’ve gotten about twenty text-messages already, few of them are from Kim, the rest from Joni. I should talk with Kim, but right now, I just don’t have the energy. I drown my sorrows into a bottle of beer, riping pieces from it’s label. The bottle gets empty way too soon.

Luckily Cecilia sees it too and gets me another drink. I’ve been bad mouthing Joni the whole evening. I’m soon running out of names to call him; dickhead is starting to loose it’s touch, I should try think of some new one…

My brain doesn’t work like it should. I’m thinking of Joni, sitting in our living room all alone, squeezing my pillow in his lap and looking at our holiday pictures, crying in misery… He told me he was doing that in one message.

My cell phone starts ringing again; it’s Joni. I reach towards it, but Cecilia grasps it before I get to it.
“Jesse, don’t answer to him.” She says firmly.
“But I…”
“No. You must be strong now, you don’t need that lying piece of shit in your life. And don’t you ease his conscience; he should suffer, the bastard!” Cecilia says forcefully. I look at her miserably, wondering how Joni is going to get by? All our plants are going to die, when he doesn’t remember to water them. “Remember what he did. He doesn’t deserve you.” She reminds me, when seeing my expression. I nod my head slowly.

– Four drinks later: –

“That fucking swine!” I yell. “Fucking Marko’s arse…” I mutter after. “Marko’s perfect arse… like two melons are his buttocks together.” I draw the shape of buttocks in the air with my hands.
“I wonder if you’ve drank too much already?” Cecilia says looking at me, one brow raised. I empty my glass, wipe my mouth with my sleeve. “Noh… Moore!” I hand out the glass for her. Cecilia glances at her husband.
“Let the poor guy drink.” He says and empties his own beer bottle. He gets another one from the fridge.

I smile with satisfaction as I get another drink in my hands. “Marko’s arse…” I start, gazing thirstily at the content of my glass . “It’s so round!… you would just want to squeeze it good…” Then I start snickering. “I’m so drunk!” I tell them, I don’t remember the last time that I was this drunk. I feel so odd, the small sober voice inside me, is begging me on his knees to shut my mouth already, but finally it gives up, rolls over to it’s side and falls a sleep; you regret this in the morning! It calls as it’s last words. The hell I will! I snap back to it. I wonder if I said it out loud? Cecilia is looking at me funny, her eyebrow is constantly raised; I wonder if she has a some kind of cramp in it?

“I don’t get Marko… He is so blond… You know? Such a big blond.” I sigh, shaking my head.
“You seem to be talking a lot about Marko, even more than what you’ve been talking about Joni…” Cecilia ponders.
“Joni is a lying shaite!” I yell.
“Shaite?” Cecilia giggles.
“Just so; shaite mc shaite… Skit! Han har skit I huvuden!”

Few more drinks and in the morning; I wake up with a killer headache, wrapped under a warm blanket, with no memory of how I’ve ended up there. Plus the headache; I’m pretty sure, that at some point of the night, a rat has crawled into my mouth and died there. I promise myself not to drink ever again…



It’s 4.30 am. I look at Pete, who is sleeping peacefully by my side. I haven’t been able to get any sleep myself. Yesterday I found out, that Jesse has left Joni, because he found out the truth; it explains the cold glare that he gave me yesterday morning.

Joni was the one who told me. He called me last night, telling me that it was all my fault. Of course; everything is always my fault. I don’t care, blame me then, let the whole world blame me. Jesse hates me, everything else is meaningless, he has every right to hate me. I’ve never felt as low as I do now. It’s only a matter of time before Pete founds out and personally; I don’t know if I want to be there when he does. It’s time for me to leave, Pete will be alright, I’ll doubt that he’s going to miss me much. He’ll find a new toy-boy in no time; money is always a big turn on.

I stand up, sneak to my wardrobe and start packing, it’s not much that I own and I only take the clothes that he has bought me, not the things. I’m a cheater and the one who left, so I feel like I don’t have the right to take all those expensive gifts…

I write a note to him and leave it on my pillow:

Hey Pete. I’m sorry to leave like this, but I feel like this thing between us, isn’t working anymore. I’ve slept with someone else; with Joni. I’m telling you this, because I’m sure that you would find that out anyway. Jesse knows too and he has left Joni. I know that I’m a coward for leaving like this… I’m sorry, I don’t know what else to do.


I read the note through, wishing that I would be better with words, but I guess this just has to do. I look at Pete for one last time before I leave.


I turn the key inside the lock, the door creaks loudly as it opens. I thank my luck, that the lock hasn’t been changed, otherwise I wouldn’t have known where to go. Sighing deeply, I place my bags down on the hall floor. It’s only 7.30am.
“Dad?” I call out and walk further in. The apartment has a musty and unclean smell in it. I hear quiet murmuring from the living room. Dad is laying on the couch, open bottle of hard liquor on the table, an empty glass on the floor, on it’s side. He smells bad, looks like it’s been awhile from his last shower.

“Dad?” I nudge his shoulder. Muttering something, that I can’t make any sense out of; he opens his eyes. He frowns as he tries to see me more clearly. Sudden strong wave of pity takes over me as I look at the man, who once was a hero to me. He has already fallen so low… He is only 45, and he looks like he’s 60.

“Marko?” He asks with a croaky voice.
“Yes dad.” He starts couching and I feel sick with watching, but I simply bite my teeth’s together and try not to show my disgust. He is my father after all, he may not be much of a father, but he is the only one I have. “I’ll make you some coffee and after that, you’re going to take a shower, you smell like you would have swam in vodka.” I tell him and walk into the kitchen. I hear him couching in the living room.

“So the man threw you out, did he?” He asks after few cups of coffee, I’m washing up the dishes and stay quiet. “Must have seen what kind of whore you are; just like your mother.” He starts the familiar ranting. “Did he even pay you enough? Did you spend it all on those clothes you’re wearing?” My body starts trembling from anger and hurt. But I know it’s best to just try and ignore him.

“Go and take the shower, I’ll fix you something to eat.” Dad stands up and falters into the bathroom. When opening the fridge, I notice that there’s only little hope of nutritive supper; eggs, butter, a can of old milk and twelve pack of beer. I’m almost falling into tears. I can’t find any food from the cabinets either, only booze. I start counting my money; I have only 15 euros left, and if I remember correctly; my bank account is pretty empty as well. Desperation strikes. I’m thinking of my options, feels like there isn’t much. I start to regret leaving Pete’s house. Maybe he could have forgiven me? Well, I guess it’s too late to think of that now.

I walk into my room, dragging my bag there with me. I remember how happy I felt leaving here the last time; I thought that I wouldn’t have to return. I stand in front of the mirror and look at myself from head to toe. I have my looks, what else? I don’t know. I’m not smart, I know that… I wish I would have payed more attention in school… Well, at least with my looks, I can survive. I decide to go out into some club that night. I just need to forget…

Chapter 12.

Chapter 12

”Would you like a cup of cappuccino or latte? I have a new coffee machine.” Kim asks.
“Oh a new coffee machine? I have always wanted one of those… I’d like a cappuccino, thank you.”
“Yeah this is really cool. I love it.” He nods his head taking the milk can out of the fridge. I sit in front of the table. Uncomfortable silence. Soon I get the large cup of cappuccino in front of me.

“Sugar?” Kim offers.
“Yes, thank you. I don’t usually use sugar in my regular coffee, but somehow it fits with cappuccino, you know?” I start telling him. Why? I have no glue. I feel strangely nervous with him now. I open the small bag of brown sugar. “This is just like in some coffee house.” I laugh quietly. Dammit why am I being such an idiot today?
“Yeah.” Kim smiles and sit opposite from me. He tastes his own coffee, his brown eyes looking at me with curiosity. I play with the sugar bag in my hands, accidentally pouring all of it in my cup and now it’s disgustingly sweet, the coffee, dammit. Well, I guess I can still drink it, yeah, it’s still good, I can handle sweet, I can.

“So…” I start, glancing at him nervously. “You were right.” I tell him then.
”About Joni, you were right about him.”
“…” His lips part, trying to find the right words, but failing.
“Yeah. I left him the other day, when we came home from the cabin… Marko… Marko and Joni… Yeah. I heard them talking and, and yeah…” I taste my coffee, licking the taste of it from my lips. How many times a person can say yeah without sounding stupid? I think I have grossed the line already.
“Oh.” He says, it seems to be his favorite word today, can’t really blame him though. He looks at the inside of his coffee cup seeming a bit worried, then he lifts his gaze back up to me. “Joni is an idiot.” He says, I nod.
“Yeah, I guess he is a little. Or a lot…” I look outside from the window, the trees are swaying in the wing, the heaven is grey, rain in the air.

“I’ve been trying to call you, but I guess your phone has been switched off or something.” Kim says next.
“Oh yeah, yes it is, Joni kept calling me, sending me messages, I got annoyed, god I hate text messages.” I sigh and only then realize that I truly have kept my phone switched off for far too long already. Mom might think I’ve died or something. I take it out of my pocket and switch it on. It won’t take long for it to start peeping, informing me of new messages. There’s like hundred of them, almost, not really, there could be though. I curse in frustration. “Text messages are devils work really.” I sigh as I starts reading them. Kim laughs.
“Are they really?” He asks.

“Yeah, they are… Well okay, not always though.” I grin at him. I have like three messages from Joni, nothing new in them, the same thing; sorry, forgive me, am an idiot, please come back, can’t breath without you, etc. Honestly, for a guy that pretends so tough all the time he really is needy…

Then I have two from numbers that I don’t know. JESSE!! How are YOU?! Been thing about you; A LOT! Had a dream about you 😉 ARE YOU ALRIGHT!? ANSWER TO ME DAMMIT!

“Fuck.” I curse, I don’t need a name to know who send that. It’s from a guy that I met when I was like 15, we were on some camping area with my family in Middle Sweden. God that guy gave me the creeps, he was one year younger than me, always seemed to pop out from no where, kept hugging me, telling me he loved me! I was almost certain that I would end up raped in that god dammed forest by him, if I wouldn’t keep me guard up. My summer was ruined by him, well not that I had been happy about going to camping in the first place, but he just made my holiday from hell perfect. I was too scared to go out in one point, scared of that hugging kid, who always tried to kiss me. Anyway, somehow he managed to get hold of my number, I don’t even have to answer to him and still he keeps sending these messages. Four fucking times a year at least… I’ll never go back to mid Sweden, that’s for sure. I decide to answer to him for this one time; Get a fucking life!! Feeling satisfied I press the send button. If he won’t get the message now, then I’ll just change my number as a secret one. I really don’t know why is it that all the crazy people always find me. If I’m in a bus and there’s some crazy person, be sure that they just single me out, wanting to talk and tell their problems… I’m drifting from the subject again… And I’ve also started to curse like a maniac, that’s not good… Maybe I’ve finally come acquittance with my Finnish self?

Another message from a number that doesn’t have a name. Hi Jesse. I just wanted to tell you that I’m sorry. I heard you found out, sorry, I feel really bad about it. I left Pete, I’m at one club, thought of you. That last night when we talked, I meant what I said. You’re such a great guy! Damn me for I always ruin everything, please forgive me. I’m an idiot, it’s you that I wanted, not Joni. I’m sorry =( -Idiot=Marko-

I stare at the message in surprise, reading it over again.
“Who was it?” I hear Kim asking.
“It’s from Marko.” I tell him quietly, reading it over for the third time.
“What does he want?”
“He says he’s sorry.” I tell him and lift the cup on my lips, drinking.

“Jesse…” Kim starts after a long moment of silence.
“Hm?” I answer, still looking through my messages..
“About what happened on saturday…” He sounds nervous. “About when I kiss-…”
“Hey, it’s alright, lets just forget it, you were drunk, I get it.” I interrupt him, I really don’t want to go back on the subject. He looks like he would like to say something else.
“Hey, you wanna go out tonight? I’m going, with Cecilia and Pauli to some gay-club.” Kim looks at me funny, raising one brow. “Yeah, I know… So anyway, want to come? Save me from the humiliation that my sister is probably getting me into.
“Alright, I’ll go with you gladly, you know that.”


I lean against the counter, eyes scanning the room around me, my feet beating with rhythm of the music. I answer to few smiles and looks that I get, taste my drink. Searching for the guy that I can trick the next, who would buy me a new drink and from who I could steal some money. No, I am not proud of myself, but I am hungry and I promise myself to stop as soon as I get back onto my feet’s again, as soon as the next months money would get on my bank account.

Jesse hasn’t answered to my message and though I didn’t expect him to do so, I can’t help but to feel a little disappointed. I guess I did hope he would.

“Hello gorgeous.” A man says in English beside me, I turn my head to the voice; a dark man in his thirty’s stands next to me smiling to me.
“Hello.” I look at him with curiosity.
“What’s your name sweetheart?” He asks.
“Nice to meet you Marko, I’m Steve… Can I buy you a new drink?” He asks, looking at me nearly empty glass.
“Sure, I’d like that.” I smile. “Where are you from?”
“Oh, you’re an American?” How the hell did he get lost here? I wonder.
“Yes.” He smiles, he has cute dimples and dark eyes, skin like milk chocolate, tall and muscular. I’ve never been with a black man before… My minds starts to wonder off. I take his offer to join him and his friends.



“Wow, this is so great! Okay Jesse, now we’re going to find some good man for you!” Cecilia is scarily exited about being at the gay club. Her eyes search the grouted place with interest. “Now there’s a cute guy, that Asian guy over there; Jesse look at him.” She points at some guy close to the bar counter and I would like nothing more than to floor to swallow me. I look at her like she would have lost her mind. She keeps pointing.
“Just look at him!” She asks, she definitely drunk.
“Please don’t point at people, it’s not nice.” I tell her, taking her hand down.
“I’m just trying to help you. You need someone to help you to get over that jerk.”
“We are not in some fucking candy store where you can just pick someone like that.”
“Are you sure?”
“Please!… Pauli, please, take her home. Please.” I look at him and he laughs, Cecilia nudges my arm.
“Now that’s not nice.” She pouts.
“I just don’t want to sleep with some random guy, okay?”
“Jesse! You’re my little brother for goodness sake, I wouldn’t allow you to sleep with some random guy, just so you know. No, I was talking about dancing, maybe some kissing, holding hands and that is all!” She looks at me firmly.
“You obviously don’t know guys… “I sigh and take a long sip of my drink.

Kim is staring at me, really staring at me, in a longing way. Why haven’t I noticed this before? I try to think of something else… Blond hair, green eyes, light freckles, firm ass… hm… Okay now, hold back, and stop thinking about him! Then I think of Joni and mentally hit myself.


“Jesse, can we talk?” Kim asks after my sister and Pauli have left us alone to go dancing together.
“Um yeah sure.” I taste my drink.
“I really think we should talk about what happened the other night.” He keeps his eyes on me.
“Really, there’s nothing to talk about, um… I…” I look away from him, hoping that he would just drop it.
“Jesse…” Kim apparently has other plans, he takes my hand in his, leans closer. “I really do love you, and I… I only ask once chance… Maybe I could make you happy? I know what I am, I know I’m not like him, I don’t look like him not even the slightest, but weren’t you the one who told me that looks don’t matter? Weren’t you the guy who told me that he liked me?” Dammit, I should have known that alcohol was a bad idea. Helplessly I pull my hand back and look at him.

“Kim… I’m sorry, I… I just don’t feel that way about you… I mean you’re my friend, I’ve known you since I was 12 and… and I just think, well, I fear, that we would ruin our friendship if it didn’t work out, you know? And I really don’t want to loose you as my friend.”
“We could try? You know, I wouldn’t let it affect on our friendship, even if it wouldn’t work out between us. I just want to love you. Please give a chance.” Oh god I hate it when they start begging. I do not want to hurt him, why can’t he see how difficult this already is?
“I just broke up with Joni.”
“I could make it better,” Lord I would like just scream out loud from frustration.
“I can’t see myself with you that way, I’m sorry Kim.”
“It’s because I’m fat… I knew it.” He has that tone of voice, that; oh pity me, the whole world hates me.
“No, it’s not that, it’s because you’re my friend Kim, like a brother to me, I… It would just feel wrong to…”
“Spear me of that crap Jesse…” Kim stands up. “You’re just like them, I should have known. Hope you have a good life.” Anger and hurt flashes through hie eyes. Is he ending our friendship because of this? Some people really should stay clear of alcohol. He starts walking away from the table to get his coat.

“Kim!” I call him, hurrying after him. ”Please don’t walk away like this.” I grasp his arm, and he turns to look at me.
“I love you, have you really been so blind not to notice? I’ve loved you since the first day. You’ve been kind to me when no one else wasn’t, you stood up to me when no one else did. And all these years I’ve loved you, and it hurt like hell seeing you with that jerk of a boyfriend. Every time he kissed you, I wished it was me, every time he touched you, I wish it had been my hands to touch, every time he made you smile, every time he made you laugh, I wished that it would have been me… You made me feel good about myself, like I was worthy of something. But now I see, that all of it was just in my head, I never could have had you, not because I am your friend Jesse, it’s not that and you and I both know it. I do not have a great body, I am not a jerk like Joni, I would never do what he did to you. I would never hurt you. Maybe I’m just too kind and just too fat.” I look at him tears in my eyes.

“You would never hurt me Kim? Can’t you see that it’s just what you did? You stand here, tell me that you love me and at the same time you accuse of being false. You accuse me of lying to you, being like them you said… I do love you Kim, as my friend and now… You make it sound like either I take you as my boyfriend or I’ll loose you completely, is that it? Because if it is, then who’s the one being false here?” He looks at me straight in the eyes, long moment of silence until he pulls away from me.
“I can’t deal with this now, it hurts too much.” He says simply and walks away. Blinking my eyes I look after him, feeling so lost.

“What’s the matter baby, you look too pretty to cry.” I hear some drunken man asking, touching my ass lightly.
“Fuck off!” I curse and walk away towards the table, this is so not my day.

Suddenly I hear a sound of familiar laughter and turn my head towards it. Marko. I stop and stare at him, listening. He’s sitting on some mans lap.
“Well I just love americans.” He says then, flirting shamelessly with the guys sitting in the same table.

He looks so good right now, like he’s whole being would bring light to the dim club, the clothes he wear seem to be licking that amazing body of his, his blond hair mixed up with some gel. I suddenly remember how it felt like to kiss him, in that dark room of the sauna and at the same time I feel mad as I remember what he did with Joni, messing up my life, leaving me confused, not quite knowing what to feel, what to think. Did he mean what he said in that message? I wonder

I step closer to their table, our eyes meet and his laughter stops, the moments stops.
“Marko.” I speak his name out loud.
“Jesse.” He says and all their attention is drawn on me. Marko looks insecure, maybe even a bit scared and also a bit hopeful.

“Is this your friend?” Someone asks in English. They urge me to sit down and join them and as if hypnotized by Marko’s eyes I decide to do so. We keep staring at each others, both unsure what to say or how to act. They keep asking me questions and I try my best to answer, not really interested of any of them.
Someone hands me a drink and I take it even when the back of my mind I know that I should be careful. I ignore the insecurity in the back of my head and drink the glass empty.
“So what were you guys thinking coming here? Were you on drugs perhaps? Extreme traveling?” Marko laughs. Great, Mr. Paris Hilton has come back to join us. “I mean, honestly; why here? There’s nothing here, our capital is like bird poop next to other capitals.”
“Sun isänmaallisuus on todella liikuttavaa.” I mutter looking at him from under my brows. For a moment his smile wavers.
“What did he say?” The man asks.
“Oh, something about me not being much of a patriot.” Marko sighs. “And he’s right.” Marko says looking at me.

The man laughs, holding him, touching him. I don’t like him touching him… But I stay silent and just stare. Younger guy, about my age starts talking to me, he’s handsome, the kind that would usually wake my interest, but not now. I feel strange, at the same time I’m really mad at Marko and at the same time something else. I don’t know what to feel, I don’t know if I would like to slap Marko’s cheek or kiss him senseless. Another drink is offered to me and I drink it down. I just feel so annoyingly confused about everything, so much has happened in these past two days, leaving me so lost, like I wouldn’t know myself anymore.

Chapter 13.

It’s such a crazy night. My sister found us and all I can say; poor Americans. She sat in the same table, forcing herself between me and the young guy, who’s name is like Jeffrey or something like that –I haven’t really payed much attention on what he’s been telling me. Anyhow, Cecilia however is convinced that there is something going on between us, failing to see how I keep looking at someone totally different.

Her whole being is screaming; I’m so fucking drunk, don’t give me anymore alcohol and take me home!’

Well anyway, here she was demanding to see his driving licence or some kind of ID. The guy in his confused state of mind pulled it out for her from his wallet and she tried to write information down, starting to doubt if he was really 21 and really from Chicago.

Then she gave him the warning; dare to touch even one hair in my baby brothers head without his promise and I make you regret the very day when you were born. And of course she also decided that it was good thing to tell him that there was no way that I would sleep with him on this first nigh; only kissing, dancing and holding hands would be allowed. I swear, if that guy even had any attentions towards me, I’m quite sure that my sister got them all to disappear. Not that I care so much, just that I’m quite embarrassed about this whole thing, I wish I could just lie that she wasn’t really my sister, but just some crazy woman who keeps following me around.

Then she noticed Marko and with a loud clear voice she shrieked something like: Mr. Paris Hilton is here!’ Another moment when I truly wished to die. Then she got into her head that she needed to take care of fellow citizens, even though they might be slightly silly blonds. So she asked to see that other guys ID. This was the moment when Pauli finally came to save us all, and told me he was taking her home and reminded me that I was welcomed to their house for the night, even if I would come there later in the night or morning; and then he grinned.

Another disturbing moment was when my sister whispered to me that the Joni situation was taken care off and the bastard would soon get what was coming, on top of that she winked at me . I dare not to think what she might have done.

Then, speaking of the devil, as I was on coming back from the men’s room I ran in to him;literally.

Joni took a hold of my arm.
“Jesse…” He whispered, looking at me with such sadness, with such a regret that it almost made me want to forgive him right there and then, but only almost.
“Let. Go. Of. Me.” I hissed, refusing to look at him.
“I miss you, please sweetheart; don’t you miss me at all? Don’t you miss our home?”
“I do not miss your lying cheating arse.” I looked up into his eyes, it still hurt, it hurt like hell.
Then he took my hand in his, touched my cheek and it felt so familiar, so warm.
“I love you Jesse.” He whispered and the dark, smooth voice of his got me to tremble. I close my eyes.
“No, you don’t, you only love yourself.” I managed to whisper back.
“It’s not true honey, I miss you, I love you, more that you’ll ever know.” I wanted to believe him, but I couldn’t give in, I couldn’t let him get to me.
“You only miss the sex, it’s the only thing that you loved in me…” I looked at him again, pulling my arm free. “Good bye.”

“Wait, where are you going?”
“I’m going to explore life, new possibilities.” I turned around to face him.”You see those men sitting over there.” I asked him, he looked towards the table.
“Those with Marko?” He asked with confusion.
“Yes.” I smiled and leaned closer. “Well, baby.” I breathed in his ear. “I’m going with them, to their hotel room, we’re going to have an orgy that will last long to the next day. And if it’s true that everything is… hm…bigger, in America, well then; I’m sure I’ll have the time of my life.” I watched the utter disbelief in his eyes, the shock and I felt incredibly satisfied.

I didn’t look back when we left the club. I didn’t know what I was going to do; all I could feel was anger, hurt and confusion.

Marko’s worried green eyes, the chatter of the Americans, walking, we were walking and I didn’t even know where.

Jeffry was offering me more to drink and I took it, hungrily wanting to forget, wanting to get rid of the pain, the ache in my chest, I’ve always been too sensitive to these things. Have to grow up, have to be a man and not some silly cry baby.

We’re sitting at the beach, I don’t know why we came here. The rain clouds are long gone, sun is beginning to rise and it’s not even four A.M yet. I can hear Marko telling them something about Santa Claus; don’t they know that Santa lives in Finland?! Apparently they didn’t.

“Want to go some place?…” Jefferey or Jeremy or whats his face is asking as he kisses my neck, breathing heavily. The soft wind, birds are singing, waves of the ocean. Some place? I let him pull me up from the sand, he holds my hand as we walk; some place, again he offers me more to drink and I take it. I just want to forget…. Marko, his voice, I don’t hear his voice anymore, where are we? I fall on the ground on my knees and laugh. “Ups.” I giggle. He falls down next to me,
“Ups,” he laughs, his brown eyes looks into mine, he is kind of cute, wonder what it would be like to move to America. I’d never have to see Joni again, that’s a big plus. He pulls me on top of him and kisses me. His hands are moving on my ass, squeezing. I kiss him back, moist kisses but I feel nothing. I stumble, sitting up on his pelvis, my legs on each side of him. How did I end up like this?

The wind feels so good on my face, I bend my neck back, gaze up. It’s so beautiful. Where´s Marko?
Jeff runs his hands on my side and suddenly turns me over, under him. I look up to him, slightly confused.
“Where are the others?” I ask, try to look around. We’re still at the beach.
“We don’t need them.” He whispers kissing me again, I can feel his hardness against my thigh. Do I want this? Did I ask for this? His hands start opening my jeans. I guess my sisters warning didn’t scare him after all.

I’m not aroused by him, by this situation, sex on the beach with a stranger; I decide it’s not a good idea, besides you can get the sand in places that you don’t want to get it.
“Hey, I think we should stop.” I whisper.
“Don’t worry, I have a condom, we can place my jacket under you.” Oh well doesn’t that just solve everything?
“No, I-, please, stop.” I try to get his hands away as he starts pulling my jeans down to my ankles.
“Shut up, I know you want this… You and your friend have been begging for it the whole night.”
“We have not, get off of me!” I struggle from under him, scream and get a slap on the face. This can’t be happening I think as I start to panic.

“Get the fuck off of him right now!” An angry voice suddenly hisses from behind. Jeffery looks up, I lay there in shock, trembling, breathing fast, my hands on either side of my face. Slowly he stands up.
“Easy there, I wasn’t going to hurt him.” He holds his hands up and I can finally see my saviour; Marko. He is holding a piece of wood in his hands and looking quite pissed off; ready to strike the guy with it. Now I’m even in a bigger shock.
“Wasn’t how it looked to me. When someone is asking you to stop then you fucking stop! Now piss off or I’ll fucking beat the shit out of you.” Marko glares at him, his eyes are glimmering in anger and I’ve never seen him looking like that, I’ve never seen him looking so strong and fierce. The guy backs off and leaves, Marko looks after him, until he’s disappeared from view.

“Are you alright?” He asks and looks at me with worry. I zip my jeans back up. I’m so ashamed, confused, not really sure what just happened. Marko kneels down. I look at him through my tears, still trembling.
“I’m fine, I could have handled that myself.” I tell him.
“Really?” He asks and I stay quiet. “Listen Jesse, I’m sorry, for being such a jerk and you have every right to hate me and… But I do care for you,”
“You have a funny way of showing it; sleeping with my boyfriend.” I mutter, wiping the tears away, hating myself for crying in front of him.
“I’m sorry, it was one of the biggest mistakes of my life.”
“And what about today; uh; well I just love Americans, you’re so hot, everything is so fucking hot! You were giggling like some god damn school girl.” I look at him carefully.
“It was stupid, stupid acting… I-, I thought I had nothing to loose and I… I was wrong and now this happened and-, I’m sorry Jesse…” I wipe the sand off my jeans, play with the sleeves of my shirt nervously. “If it makes you feel any better I stole some money from them.” He whispers then, I meet with his eyes and he grins.
“You did?” I ask.
“Yeah… And I have the cell phone from that jerk.” He shows me the phone. “Must have dropped it when he was trying to…” I start to tremble again, I was almost… just now, almost… the R-word? Or maybe it wouldn’t have come to that, not really…

“Uhum… anyway, you know what I think we should do? Try to call some sex line with this, leave it on and get one hell of a phone bill to him. If he hasn’t been smart enough to put a call block to those numbers.”
“I don’t know…”
“Come on Jesse, you know he’d deserve it.”
“Um, yes, lets try that.”
I decide then. He smiles and starts to dial. I wonder silently how he can remember those kind of numbers. He looks at me. “I’ve dated so many jerks, you wouldn’t believe it, this is one of my favorite pranks on them.” He grins at me, almost as if he’d be able to read my thoughts.
“Come, lets go… Lets get you home.” He says then, stands up and offers his hand. I take it. When did Marko become the strong one? When did he become my hero? This can’t be right…

Chapters 14-16



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