Silent 11-15

Chapter 11.

Michael came back from his run at Central Park. It had become almost daily routine to him. He ran long distances, he ran until his body was too tired to continue. He needed this; he needed something to dissolve all his frustration in. He couldn`t just stay foot in Ricky`s place all day long, he had never been the one who could just lie and do nothing for a long periods of time. In his old life, as he now called it, he had had many interests outside the school; playing football, Latin dancing, playing the piano, running. During the summer he had enjoyed horse back riding in Ireland, where his grandparent`s had a horse farm. But all that was gone now. Running was all that he had left.

The next day would be his birthday, he would turn eighteen. This made him think about his parents even more. He missed them greatly, as he missed Isabella and Tony. Sometimes he had thought about calling them, to ask their help, surely they could help him, if he would only tell what was really going on? He wondered, but at the same time the other voice in his head, told him how disgusting he was. They would despise him, if they found out what he was now, that he was a whore. He couldn`t live with himself if his mother would find out about that, it would surely break her heart. He thought that it would be better, if they believed he was dead, like he sort of was. It would be better for them to remember him the way he had been before, not the way he was now, in this low and dark point of his live.

He sighed deeply as the doorman opened the door for him, into the hall of the apartment building.

“Good evening young Mr. Matthews had a good run now, did you?” the old man asked and smiled politely.

“Good evening Mr. Curtis, it was fine enough.” he answered, with a tired smile and walked toward the elevator. ‘Young Mr. Matthews,’ he thought bitterly. Michael Wills was forgotten and missing. He had become Michael Matthews, a nephew of a rich man, living with his uncle while going to school in New York`s college. A perfect cover up, his current live was only a big splendidly acted lie.

He looked at his watch as he came into the hallway: 6.30pm.

“Michael, is that you?” He heard Ricky`s voice from the living room. He hated his voice; he hated everything about that man, about that monster.

“Yeah, who else?” he answered lazily and walked towards the bathroom.

“Come here,” Ricky commanded. Michael sighed and stood without moving for awhile, before he did what was expected of him.

Ricky sat on the couch wearing a smart, black suit and opposite from him sat a slender, pretty faced, middle-aged woman, who had green eyes and auburn colored hair put together in a neat bun. The woman smiled warmly to him and looked at him from head to toe.

“Susanne, this is my nephew Michael…” Michael felt strangely amused each time that Ricky introduced him as his nephew; it was just such a big joke. “..Michael, this is my colleague Susanne Blaine.” Michael forced a polite smile on his lips as he walked closer to the woman and shook her hand.

“Nice to meet you, Mrs Blaine. Please excuse me, I just returned from my jog and I`m in the need of a shower. If it is alright with you, I`ll go and come back after that?”

”It`s nice to meet you too, Michael, and of course I don`t mind, it`s so nice to see a young man taking care of his body and health.” They smiled and Michael left the room.

Michael returned into the living room, when he had finished his shower and got dressed. He tried to prepare himself for the role that he hated. He sat onto the free armchair.

“Good looks seem to run in the family,” Susanne stated smiling and looked at him with interest. Michael smiled back. “Ricky told me that you`re from England and that there is a Spanish blood in you, from your mothers side?”

“Yes, it`s true.”

“Well, I just love English men, so polite and your accent, well, I just love it,” the woman continued on and laughed softly. Susanne asked about his studies and Michael told her the things that Ricky had told him to tell.

“You have an amazing bone structure, really beautiful face and figure. You should really be a model; you would be so great posing in some ad or… Don`t you agree Ricky?” Susanne sounded enthusiastic about this; she looked at Ricky, who had been strangely quiet for the whole time.

“His mother wouldn`t approve,” Ricky said with a firm voice. Susanne looked little surprised after this and Michael was really starting to get bored in this act.

“Yes, well you see, Mrs. Blaine, my mother is one of those people, who believe that taking pictures, captures the very soul of it`s object, so it can`t go to heaven. They have this own little religious group and they try to get more people into joining it…What can I say? My mother is little confused about everything. Can you imagine what it would do to the poor woman; to see her only son in some add? It would most likely break her heart and it would drive her over the final edge of sanity. It`s sad, really,” Michael told her with a serious voice and tried to look very concerned about this. He was quiet and shook his head. The woman could do nothing, but to stare at the boy. She wondered was this poor boy being serious, or out of his mind. On the other hand Europeans could be a little strange, didn`t perhaps have the same knowledge that they had in the States and God only knew what they did in Spain? So the woman smiled to the boy in a very sympathetic manner. Michael looked at her and then to Ricky and noticed how mad Ricky looked. He knew that he would hear about this later.

Michael stood up and went into the kitchen to get himself something to drink. Ricky and Susanne had become absorbed in a factitious conversation. Every cell in his body wanted to scream so loud that someone would have to hear his pain. He leaned his back on the kitchen counter and tried to calm himself down. He felt so utterly frustrated and powerless, he wanted to hit his head against the wall, he wanted to do something, anything to get that pain out of his chest.

Finally he returned into the living room, where Susanne was telling Ricky about some photography exhibition.

“Such magnificent pictures… You can really feel the artists burning emotion just by looking at his work… Such a talented man…” Michael listened the woman`s blathering for a second. He felt himself strangely agitated and couldn`t keep silent for a moment longer.

“Did you know that Ricky is also interested in photography?” he asked. Both turned to look at him. Ricky mouthed him the words, “Shut up.”

“Really?” Susanne asked surprised, but with an eager voice.

“Yes, he has a really nice camera and all that, lots of pictures. You should show her those someday, uncle,” Michael said looking straight into Ricky`s eyes. The man had a hard time keeping his anger hidden, Michael could see it, but Ricky couldn`t do anything to him as long as Susanne was there.

“Oh, Ricky, you have to show me your work!” the woman smiled and leaned closer to Ricky. Ricky smiled stiffly and cleared his throat.

“Some other time, Susanne. Now it`s better if we get going we have the table reservation at nine.” Ricky rose up. “Oh, yes, I’ll hurry to powder my nose.” Susanne smiled and left into the bathroom.

Ricky looked straight into Michael.

“What the fuck, do you think that you`re doing?” he spat. Michael lifted his gaze up to him and rose up.

“I was just talking with our guest, uncle. Just as politely as you wanted me to,” Michael answered trying to sound calm. Ricky clutched his arm tightly and dragged him into the bedroom.

“You`ll be sorry about this later…Until then; good night Michael,” Ricky whispered and closed the door after him.

Michael stood there, looking at the door that had been locked in front of him. He breathed fast, feeling nervous. He could hear Ricky`s and Susanne`s voices, as they made their leaving in the hallway. Susan laughed happily to something that Ricky had said. The woman truly had no idea what was really going on in the apartment, how Ricky treated his ‘nephew’.

Michael walked over by the window and sat on the window sill. He was feeling more restless with each passing second. He imagined Ricky having dinner with Susanne; they would be talking and laughing like all normal people. Ricky would be telling more lies to her, lies that came from the man’s mouth so easily that it was almost scary. Susanne would laugh at his jokes; they would be flirting with one another. Drink some wine and have an amazing dinner. Ricky would accompany her to her home; he would kiss her good night and come home. And once Ricky came home, it was going to be hell for Michael. He knew what would happen, he knew and he was scared of it. ‘Why couldn’t I just keep my mouth shut? Why?’ he asked himself in despair.

Michael paced back and forth in the room, occasionally looking at the time: 11.02pm. His heart beat wildly. He knew that there were still time left, but he couldn`t stop what was to come. Ricky would come home eventually. He laid down on the bed, but couldn`t fall asleep. He was much too tense for sleeping. He got up, looked outside and paced some more.

He looked at the clock again: 12:40am. Why did the time go so fast now? He wondered and then realized that he had just turned eighteen. “Well, happy birthday to me,” he said to himself bitterly and sat on the bed to wait.

At 1:13am he heard the steps coming to the door, the lock was turned open and soon enough the door opened. Michel`s back was against the door, but he could see Ricky through the mirror that was opposite from him. They looked at each others through the mirror. Ricky had an evil grin on his face and for a moment he just stood there not saying a word.

Ricky opened his belt and took it off, he tightened it between his hands. Ricky came closer to the bed and Michael rose and turned to face him.

“You think that you are so smart, don`t you?…An ignorant boy, who`s nothing more than a whore, that is what you truly are my dear,” Ricky spoke coming nearer. Michael tried not to tremble, not to show his fear. He stood there, held his head up high and biting his teeth together. “You will never say something as stupid as you said today, do you understand!?” Ricky yelled and slapped him on the face. Michael cried and lifted his hand on his cheek.

“Now, take off your clothes!” the man ordered him. “I said now!” Michael`s hands were shaking as he undressed himself. He felt the tears coming down on his face, but stayed quiet. Once he stood there completely naked, Ricky grasped him and threw him onto his stomach, on the bed. The man whipped his buttocks and his back with the belt. Eighteen strokes, he had to count each of them out loud.

“Happy eighteenth birthday, dear,” Ricky whispered after the last stroke. Michael cried and felt how the man lubed his hole and soon the fingers were going inside him. The preparation was very short. The fingers were pulled out and replaced with the man’s huge cock. Ricky thrust inside him with force and Michael cried even more. It never felt good for him, which was the way Ricky wanted it to be. He prayed that it would be over soon, but it seemed to last forever.

“You`re going to learn your lesson now dear, aren`t you?” Ricky asked him during this violent raping. Michael sobbed.

“Y-yes…” he managed to say weakly and hated himself even more.

When it was over, Ricky pulled his back close to his chest and held him on tightly.

“Good boy, good little whore, you did well just now, you`re forgiven.” he spoke and kissed his neck. Michael still cried, he hated being so close to the man. The man held on to him the whole night. And it was only the beginning of his most horrid birthday ever.

Chapter 12.

Three years had past. Three and a half years from the day that Michael had arrived to New York. Michael had adjusted in his current life, he wasn’t happy, but he had adjusted. He tried not to think too much of the time that he had been happy, his old live and the people that he loved. It was easier not to think about that, those good memories only seemed to bring more pain and sorrow to him.

At times it felt like he was walking in a constant haze, it was hard to see ahead of things, ahead of this life. His own actions, his own body and the words that came out of his mouth seemed sometimes so unreal to him, it almost felt like he was some kind of a robot, walking into the direction that someone else had shown him. ‘What a good and obedient little whore, you have become,’ he thought bitterly at times, doing the thing that was now expected of him. Having sex with men, that Ricky had sold his body to, for that purpose and for that moment, or having sex with Ricky. He didn’t enjoy sex; it was just something that he had to do. His thoughts fled to somewhere else, the place in his mind, were everything was always beautiful and peaceful. He had started to believe that sex was supposed to be that way, that there couldn’t be any pleasure in it, not for him anyways. It was painful and uncomfortable. Only very rarely it felt even slightly okay. There were times though, that he pretended to enjoy sex, he pretended for those, who wanted him to pretend. Yes, he was a good whore indeed.

Without Jack in his life, he would have probably lost himself all together. Jack meant the world to him, there was still laughter and there were still small moments of happiness when there was Jack. Jack gave him comfort and he gave him tenderness, the same things that he gave Jack. They had grown to love each other, but they both knew that it stemmed from the situation they were in, they understood each other perfectly, knew all the pain and the hurt that was everyday for them. When they were alone, they kissed and caressed each others bodies, but they never did anything more. Michael wanted to keep things between them as they were. He was scared of anything else, scared that Ricky or Joe would find out about their love.


They arrived at the gay-club, where they had been many times before. Michael was glad to see Jack already there and went straight to him. They sat in front of the free table and started talking. Jack offered some weed to him and they smoked it together. They tried not to notice the looks that they were getting from the other men.

“Lets go dancing, Jack, it`s been ages since the last time we danced,” Michael suggested and stood up. Jack nodded his head and followed him to the dance floor. They danced closely to one one another, touching each other. Michael moved his hips seductively and it almost drove Jack crazy from desire. Michael surely could dance.

“Oh, god, Michael, you`re driving me crazy… I would just want to take you some where and…” Jack whispered to him. Michael looked at him and smiled, but didn’t say a word, he just wanted to dance.

“Everybody is looking at us…they want you, you’re so sexy,” Jack whispered.

“They want you too, Jack… I just hope that I wouldn’t have to do it tonight with some stranger…”

“Well, I think that Ricky wants you tonight just for himself. He keeps looking at you that way,” Jack told him and Michael turned to look at the man. He could see that Jack was right and thought that he would like it better with some other man, with a stranger, than with that monster. He tried not to think about the night that would follow and just concentrated on that moment.

At some point during their dance, he noticed a man, who was standing near the dance floor, looking at him. He had never before seen this man there. The man smiled to him as their eyes met. There was something in this man that interested Michael, something different, but he wasn’t sure what it was. The man had raven black hair, he was tall and had a lean, muscular figure, and his eyes were gray. The man kept on looking at him, still smiling; he was some what mysterious looking, like he had a secret he wouldn’t tell.

They returned to their table and Michael couldn’t help, but to look at the mysterious man, every now and then. He tried to do it so that Ricky wouldn’t notice anything. Jack had also noticed him and the way the man looked at his friend.

“I haven’t seen him before, do you know him?” Jack asked, keeping his voice quiet.

“No, I haven’t seen him before either.”

“He seems to fancy you, not that it would be anything new though,” Jack continued and smiled to Michael.

“Come here, Mike,” Ricky spoke then, interrupting their talk. Michael rose very reluctantly and walked over to Ricky. The man pulled him close and kissed him, squeezing his butt tightly. Ricky’s friends were looking at them and smirking. Michael shivered and took few steps back from Ricky.

“You danced fantastically dear, you’re so sexy…Just wait until we get home…” Michael looked at Ricky frighten by his words. “Don’t look so frightened dear…it will be fun, I promise,” Ricky whispered and kissed his lips. To Michael his promises were lies; it wouldn’t be fun, not for him. Ricky slapped his bottom. “Alright then, you can return to Jack,” Ricky said smiling in a way Michael had never seen before, his smile was almost friendly. ‘Well that’s just spooky,’ Michael thought as he returned to the table.


A couple of days later, Michael was walking in the Central Park with Jack.

“There’s that guy from the club, the one who was checking you out,” Jack said suddenly, Michael looked around in confusion. “Over there by that bench, he seems to have noticed you too,” Jack grinned. Michael’s eyes went to the direction that Jack showed him. The man looked straight at him. He smiled and started to approach them. Michael just stared at him.

“Hello, I saw you at the club last weekend. What a lucky coincidence to run into you here. I have wanted to talk to you ever since I first saw you. My name is Jean,” the man spoke; he had a French accent in his voice.

Michael was too stunned, that at first he couldn’t say a word. Jack nudged him gently on his side, which made Michael wake from his stunned state. “Hey, I’m Michael…and this is my friend Jack,” he was finally able to say. The man smiled charmingly.

“So nice to meet the two of you. Could I offer you and your friend a cup of coffee?” he asked. Michael looked at Jack, hesitating. ”Um…well, I don’t know if…” he started, but Jack cut him off.

“Well of course you can…We wouldn’t say no to a free cup of coffee, now would we Michael?” Jack laughed.

“Good, I know a good coffee house, not far from here,” the man spoke.

They left with him, even though Michael wasn’t sure if it was a good idea. He was scared that Ricky would find out about it and he would punish him. Soon they arrived to the coffee house. They hadn’t sat there long when Jack suddenly told them that he had to leave.

“Oh my, I almost forgot that I have a meeting to go to,” he said and smiled.

“Jack, wait…” Michael tried.

“See you later, Mike,” was all that Jack said before he left, with a huge smile on his lips. Michael looked at Jean shyly, the man smiled at him. Michael felt his cheeks blush and stared down to his coffee cup, suddenly finding it very interesting.

“You’re British, aren’t you?” Jean asked breaking the silence between them.


“I thought so, you can hear it from your speech,” Jean smiled warmly.

“You are French, right?” Michael asked, just to say something.

“Yes, born and raised in old Parii. Have you ever been there, in Paris I mean?” Jean asked.

“Only once, when I was ten,.” Michael told him and remembered the time clearly in his head.

His mother’s friend had married a French man and they had visited them at that one summer. His father had hated that man; Loure Pinon. “That man is just disgustingly slick, can you not see how he flirts with you Evelyn, as soon as Anna turns her back?…And the way he talks to Michael, hugs and kisses a ten year old boy on the cheek at every god damn moment that he can. That’s just sick. A sick man he is, but what else can be expected of them…” He could hear his father’s voice so clearly in his head and the soft laughter of his mother.

“Oh Henry, just calm down, Loure is a very nice man and his flirting has been very innocent. Just give him a chance, now will you?”

“How long have you lived in here?” Jean asked cutting him off from his thoughts.

“Three and a half years. How about you?”

“Well, I have been here for four months now, but I have lived here once before. I’ll return to Paris in the fall, I like there better.” Michael smiled and tasted his coffee.

“So do you study here, or what?” Jean asked and Michael placed his cup back on the table.

“Yes, in college,” Michael answered and hated the fact that he had to lie.

“How old are you?”

“I’ll turn 21 in just one month from now. How old are you?”

“Well, you probably think of me as an old fart already, I’m 32.”

Michael laughed. “No, you’re not that old, 32 is still young,” Michael smiled and looked at him.

“I remember thinking in your age that all over thirty were so old and all the good things in live would be over by then, I’m glad to see that I was wrong,” Jean smiled.

“Listen I would love to see you again sometime, perhaps tomorrow already?” Jean suggested after they had talked for a while. Michael hesitated.

“I don’t know…It has been really nice talking with you, but the man that I’m with…” he started.

“Yes, you mean that man who you kissed with at the club?” Michael nodded.

“He must be even older than I am?”

“Yes, he’s 44, I…”

“Forgive me for saying this, but you didn’t seem to enjoy his company very much. No, I shouldn’t have said it, but would it hurt to make new friends? That is all I’m asking,” Jean smiled looking sincere.

”Well, alright…We could see each other tomorrow at the park at this same time.”

“That’s a date then. I look forward to it.”

“Thank you for the coffee Jean, I have to go now,” Michael said and left the table.


Michael started seeing Jean very often. He enjoyed these meetings greatly. They saw each other almost daily, when Ricky was at work. Jack was happy about this new friendship that Michael had and was happy to cover up his tracks so that Ricky wouldn’t find out about them.

After one month, Michael trusted the man enough to go to his place. Jean offered him a drink and they sat in the living room. They got into talking and Michael finally told him everything about Ricky, everything that the man done to him. It all came from his mouth with one big burst. He told him about Tony, his parents and Isabella as well. After it, he burst into tears and cried against the man’s chest. Jean comforted him with kind words; he stroked his back and just listened to him, allowed him to cry from the pain and the hurt. It felt good, to finally have someone who listened, to be finally able to tell about it to someone. Finally he relaxed into the man’s strong arms that held him.

Jean took his glass and placed it on the table. Michael looked at him little shyly.

“I’m sorry about that, I didn’t mean to tell it quite in that way, didn’t mean to cry so much,” he said with a quiet voice. Jean embraced him and placed his hand on his cheek.

“It’s alright; I’m glad that you told me. You can trust me; you know that, don’t you?” Jean kept his eyes on his and smiled.

“I know, thank you, Jean, for listening and everything.”

Jean leaned closer and kissed him softly, they shared their first kiss. The kiss was so soft and gentle, so relaxing, it felt good. Jean smiled to him after the kiss, his face still so close to his.

“Oh God, you’re so…so beautiful, so handsome,” Jean whispered, their lips almost touching.

Michael was feeling so confused, he wanted Jean, but at the same time he was scared. He was afraid of sex; it had always been so painful. He didn’t know what to do or how to act. They kissed again, Jean’s hands seemed to be everywhere on his body, hands were undressing his shirt; soon Jean had undressed his own shirt too. Warm, naked skin touched the other. Michael touched him, uncertain touch, he didn’t know if he wanted this, the word; stop, was on the tip of his tongue, but he didn’t say it. Jean lifted him up from the couch and led him into the bedroom. They lay down on the bed; Jean was on top of him, kissing his neck, his chest, his stomach. Jean was opening his jeans, taking them off. Michael was trembling from fear, desire and need.

They were both naked now, Jean was over him again. Michael felt the tears in his eyes, he couldn’t stop them, he just couldn’t forget about his past. He felt Jean’s hard cock against his thigh.

“Shh…It’s alright, babe, everything is alright, don’t cry. I won’t hurt you,” he whispered and kissed his ear. He gently wiped the tears from his face. He prepared Michael’s entrance with lube and his fingers. “Just relax, babe, everything is alright,” he said softly and Michael soon felt his cock entering him. He gasped and tried to relax his breathing. Jean was inside him but didn’t move just yet. He let Michael get used to the feel of him being inside him, before beginning to thrust in and out. His cock was throbbing.

“You feel so good, babe,” he whispered and kissed the young man. He began moving inside him, kissing the beautiful youth.

Michael felt some pain, but it wasn’t nearly as painful as it had been before. He even started to feel some pleasure and was very surprised by this totally new feeling. No one had ever been this gentle with him.

“Oh god, I’m coming soon…you feel so good…oh god…” Jean gasped and began to speed up his movements. Soon his body tensed and he moaned as he came inside Michael. Jean laid on top of him for awhile, his cock still inside him. They kissed.

Michael was getting dressed.

“Are you leaving already?” Jean asked, once he came back from the shower.

“I have to; I don’t even want to think about what would happen if Ricky would find out that I was here, with some other man,” Michael replied quietly.

“I thought that he ‘lets’ you sleep with other men.”

“As long as he makes the decisions and gets the money. God help me, if I make them, I mean, I might even enjoy it!” Michael laughed dryly. Jean came to him and gave him a hug.

“I have been thinking, I don’t want to loose you, Michael. I couldn’t leave knowing that you stayed here with him. I want you to come with me to Paris,” Jean said and looked in his eyes. Michael looked at him with surprise, then with sorrow.

“Oh Jean, you don’t know how much I would love to leave with you, but I can’t. Ricky would find me…he…”

“Shh, don’t be scared. He won’t find you, I promise. I’ll take care of things; we can both take care of things. We will do this in secret, with care, so he won’t even notice that you’re leaving,” Jean smiled to him; his voice was so soft and calming.

“But how? Ricky has so many connections, he would find me and…I can’t help, but to be scared.”

“Trust me, he’s not the only one who knows people from the right places…We’ll change your last name, get you a new passport. He won’t find you, I won’t let him find you…This life is going to kill you sooner or later if you stay…Trust me, let me save you from this,” Jean whispered and kissed his forehead.

A million thoughts run inside Michael’s mind. He wanted to leave, he had prayed for salvation for so long and had started to loose faith that it would ever reach him and now Jean was there, offering his help, offering freedom from this life. Why would Jean want to help him so? There wasn’t anything special in him, he was just a whore. ‘This is you’re chance, just take it,’ the voice inside him said.

“A new name? New passport?” he asked finally, his voice was trembling.

“Yes, come with me?”

“O-okay Jean, I’ll go with you…I trust you.” Jean looked relieved and smiled to him. They kissed for one last time before Michael had to go.

Chapter 13.

Everything seemed to happen fast. Michael had his new passport. He had taken his mother’s maiden name to use and was now Michael Harris. Ricky had no clue whatsoever of his plans to leave. Michael was little surprised by this. All these years with him had made him believe that Ricky saw everything and knew everything that was going on and now he could see that it wasn’t true. But he also knew that he could make just one mistake and all would be lost. They had been really careful with Jean and Jack had helped them. Michael was also used to the lying, even though lying to Ricky was scarier, than anything he knew.


Michael lied next to Jack on the bed, in Ricky’s bedroom while he was not at home. This would be their last day together, tomorrow he would be leaving and so was Jack, but into a different place. They held each other close; Michael had tears in his eyes.

“I’m scared Jack. I don’t want to leave you; I don’t want to lose you. I love you…What if I wouldn’t leave with him and go with you? Let’s run together, please Jack…” Michael whispered with a tear filled voice. He clutched on to Jack shirt and looked into his eyes. Jack kissed his forehead.

“I know, I love you too…But you know that we couldn’t make it by ourselves Mikey…No, it’s better for you to go with him,” Jack told him and tried to smile. The truth was that his heart was also breaking, Michael was the only person besides his late mother, that had ever loved him, but his words were true and they both knew it.

Michael thought about Jack’s words for awhile and his own feelings. He was scared of a life without Jack. For almost four years, Jack had been the only person that had been there for him and he did love him greatly. He was also scared of a life outside, the normal life. It was weird really, he had wanted it for so long and he still wanted it, but again he found himself in the same situation; leaving to a foreign country with a man he had only just met…well it was four moths ago, but still it wasn’t that long.

“I don’t even know how to speak French…I’m scared…I don’t care…I want to go with you…” Michael sighed, he was still crying.

“Shh…Michael, please don’t cry, you like Jean don’t you?” Jack asked and Michael nodded his head carefully. “And I know you’ll be fine. He can offer you a normal and safe life, I couldn’t. You know what I am and that this is my life, but this isn’t for you. If you were to go with me, we would have to be always hiding; I know that it’s not the life you want or need. You’re just scared and upset because you have dreamed about this for so long and it doesn’t seem real now…” Jack wiped the tears away from his face and continued.

“But just think; tomorrow at this same time, you’re already in Paris. In Paris for God’s sake! Now, I have never been there, but I’m sure that it’s going to be great for you. The city of love, or what do they call it?” Jack laughed and smiled at him. Michael was smiling now, just a little.

“It will all work out for you, didn’t I say it would?” Jack asked.

“You did, you always did…But what will you do, where will you go?” he asked.

“Well, I’m not sure yet, perhaps I’ll go to San Francisco or to Los Angele’s, the possibility’s are endless,” Jack smiled.

“But I will never see you again…” Michael pointed out with sorrow. It took some time before Jack could say anything to this; he had to keep his voice even.

“You’re probably right. We can’t keep in touch, for if they should find one of us, it’s better for the other not to know where the other one is, so they wouldn’t find that out too…But I’ll never forget you…” Jack whispered. Michael felt the tears coming back to him.

“I’ll never forget you either…And I love you, always remember that I love you…”


Michael was packing rest of his things together in panic and fear. Ricky had already left for work, but he was scared that he could come back at any moment. There would be hell to pay, if Ricky found him like this. He took the picture of his family and looked at it closely before placing it among the rest of his things. He didn’t look back when he hurried down to the lobby, where Jean was waiting.

Michael looked at Mr. Curtis with fear, when he noticed the man looking at him and Jean. What if he called Ricky and told him what he had seen? Michael thought with slight panic. The old man noticed his fear and gave him an encouraging smile. He drew his finger along his lips, seemed to lock them and throwing away the invisible key. He placed his right hand on to his heart. Michael smiled back with surprise and mouthed the words: Thank you to him. He couldn’t help but to wonder if the man knew what kind of a man Ricky really was? Or why else would he have done what he just did?

Jack was waiting for them outside. Michael came to him and gave him a hug. Jack looked so handsome with his cowboy hat on.

“I had to come by, for the last good byes,” Jack whispered.

“I’m glad that you did. I’m going to miss you. You take care now and promise me that you’ll leave drugs, okay?” Michael asked looking at him firmly.

“Well, okay, I promise to get help with that, since it was you who asked…And you…” Jack looked at Jean. “…You better take good care of Michael. He deserves it. He deserves the best, just remember that!” Jack looked at Jean closely.

“Only the best, I promise,” Jean smiled. Jack hugged Michael for the last time.

“You’ll always be in my thoughts, go now and be happy,” Jack whispered.

“And you’ll be in mine. Thank you for everything Jack, just take care of yourself.”

“I always will.”

Jean opened the door to the taxi. “Come now Michael, we have to go,” he told him. Michael came to the car and looked once more at Jack, he smiled, it was a sad smile and also hopeful. They were both leaving this horrible life behind them or at least hoping to leave it once and for all. Michael sat in the car, Jean sat next to him. Michael couldn’t look back, as the taxi headed to the airport. He cried for the loss of his friend and at the same time he was happy to be leaving New York and Ricky. He just couldn’t relax just yet. What if Ricky would be waiting at the airport and he would take him back? He was still scared.

Only when they got to the plane, Michael was able to relax a little. He looked at the ground below, that they were slowly leaving behind and smiled, closing his eyes. He held on to Jean’s hand.

“Are you alright?” the man asked. Michael opened his eyes and looked at him.

“Everything is perfectly, thanks to you,” he whispered and leaned to kiss Jean’s lips.


It was very unreal feeling to stand at the airport of Paris.

“I can’t believe that we’re truly here,” Michael whispered as they walked outside from the terminal.

“Just believe it, you truly are,” Jean smiled and took his hand in his.

“My friend Erick promised to come and fetch us,” Jean told him.

“Ah, there he is!” Jean said then and waved at the man, who was walking toward them. The man had brown hair and friendly green eyes. He had wide shoulders and he was about Michael’s height.

“Bonjour! You must be Michael? Welcome to Paris! My name is Erick.”

“Bonjour, Erick. And I’m sorry, but that’s about all I know how to speak French,” Michael smiled.

“Ah, well don’t you worry about that at all, I’m sure that you’ll learn it soon, after all you have two good teachers right here; me and Jean,” Erick’s smile was as friendly as his voice and his eyes. They walked toward the car.

“Paul didn’t come with you?” Jean asked.

“No, he would have loved to come though. He has been dying to see you after such a long time and of course this Michael you have been talking about so much, but the poor thing had to go to work.” Erick smiled and looked at Michael. “Paul is my significant other, you see,” he told him.

“Well you should come by some evening, we could make some dinner together,” Jean suggested.

“Sure thing, I’m sure that Paul want’s to meet with you soon,” Erick said opening the car door for Michael. Michael was feeling a whole lot better now. He liked Erick already, he seemed to be such a kind man, somehow fatherly or like an elder brother, or something.

They came to Jean’s apartment and Erick helped them to carry their luggage up to the apartment that was on the third floor of the building. It was of a nice size and had lots of light coming inside. There was a balcony outside the living room that had a nice view to the park nearby. Michael went straight out on the balcony to look at the view. Jean walked behind him.

“It’s so beautiful here,” he said smiling.

“Yes, I have missed this so much,” Jean said, kissing his neck.

”Well, I better leave you two love birds by yourselves,” Erick smiled as they came back inside to the living room.

“Thank you for your help Erick. Come by tomorrow with Paul?” Jean asked.

“Okay, we’ll be bringing the wine. You like wine, don’t you Michael?” Erick asked.

“Yes,” Michael said smiling.

“Well, okay then, see you guys tomorrow!”

”Mmmh…Finally alone.” Jean sighed as the door closed after Erick.

“What do you say if we make your moving in here official, in there?…” Jean asked, looking at the bedroom. He had pulled Michael close to himself and was now playing with his hair. Michael kissed him, he was feeling exhausted after the flight, but he didn’t want to say no to the man who had saved him and who was giving him a new life.

Jean led him into the bedroom, close to the bed. Michael kissed him again and opened his shirt and then he pulled it gently off of the man. He moved to kiss his collarbone and his chest; he took one of Jean’s nipples into his mouth and began sucking on it. Jean moaned from pleasure. Michael slowly kneeled in front of the man. He opened his belt and the buttons of his jeans and lowered them down to his angles. He kissed his member through the fabric of his boxers. It was hard already. Jean pulled Michael’s shirt up.

“Take this off, I want to see your beautiful body,” Jean told him and Michael lifted his arms up so that Jean could pull it off from him.

Michael pulled Jean’s boxers down and started to lick his balls, then he took the hard cock between his lips, just the tip of it, teasing Jean, licking it.

“Fuck…Michael…take it, suck it, please…” Jean moaned. Michael spat on it, and fondled it with his hand and then took more of it into his mouth and moved his lips on it’s length and at the same time he worked with his hand on it and the other hand was caressing Jeans balls. He looked up to Jean, looking to see if he was liking what he was doing and the answer was definitely; yes.

Jean looked down at the young man, who was giving him the most perfect cock sucking of his live. He couldn’t close his eyes; the look down between his legs was just too hot not to look.

“Oh, yes baby…that’s right…suck my cock… You’re looking so hot right now, having my cock in your hot mouth…fuck yes…” he moaned and gripped Michael’s hair, fucking his mouth with more speed. Michael was gagging, trying his best to breath at the same time that his mouth was being fucked.

Jean pulled his cock out.

“On the bed, I want to fuck you now…” Jean told him and pulled the younger man up from the floor. He then pushed him on the bed, onto his stomach. He ripped his jeans and boxers down hastily. He wanted to come inside him fast, to feel that tightness and warmth around his needing cock. He spat on his hand, pushed his two fingers inside, stretching him. Michael moaned, either pain or pleasure, but at that moment Jean really didn’t care. He just needed this and fast. He rammed his cock inside and Michael cried.

Jean placed his hand on Michael’s cock and started stroking it. Michael groaned; he felt the pain inside him and at the same time pleasure by Jean’s hand on his cock. So even though this pain, it was better than any other time he had had so far. And he wouldn’t complain about this pain, he wouldn’t ask to be prepared a little better. He honestly didn’t know that it wouldn’t have to be painful. Jean came only moments after Michael and he panted heavily as he lay down on the bed, next to his new, young lover.

“You’re the best Michael…Now let’s go to shower,” he said and took the trembling, younger man’s hand on his. They walked together into the bathroom.


October 2001

Michael was very attached to Jean, who seemed to worship the ground beneath him. Life felt good now, when he didn’t have to be scared everyday. He had only just met Erick and Paul from all of Jean’s friends and he enjoyed their company greatly. Erick really did seem like an older brother who took care of him.

Jean had decided to host a party, where he could meet the rest of his friends. Michael was nervous about this; the past had left him with the scars of insecurity. He couldn’t beat all of his demons, which made him think that he was somehow not worthy of a good life and that he was still so dirty and that he always would be so. Jean seemed to think differently though, that he was perfect and this also distressed him a bit. Michael was scared that Jean was only blinded by his looks, in love with his appearance and not with the person that he truly was inside.

The night of the party came and the place was full of people. Michael was talking with Erick and Paul when Jean came to them, with some other man. The man, who was Jean’s age, lean, narrow faced and elaborately dressed, looked at him from head to toe in an arrogant way.

“Patrick, this is Michael…Michael, this is my good friend Patrick,” Jean introduced them.

“Nice to meet you,” Michael smiled and offered his hand for a handshake. Patrick looked at him, his brown raised and then hold out his hand lazily and shook his hand quickly.

“Charming, I’m sure,” he muttered.

Michael was little taken back by Patrick’s act, he didn’t like the way that he was looking at him, nor did he like the constant grin on his lips. Patrick turned to look at Jean and said something to him in French; Jean smiled and nodded his head. They both looked at Michael and Jean said something back to Patrick.

Michael felt now even more insecure, he knew that Patrick had said something about him, but didn’t know what it was. He looked at Erick, who was standing behind him. Erick seemed somehow angry to both Jean and Patrick. He said something with an angry voice and it seemed to offend Jean. Now it was really bothering Michael. It agitated him that he couldn’t understand the language, it only reminded him of how out of place he felt in this country. They seemed to argue about something and finally Jean turned to him, smiling more gently.

“I’ll go over there to talk with some of my friends; I hope that you’re having fun dear,” Jean kissed him briefly and then left with Patrick.

”I have never liked that man,” Erick said. ”And don’t you care about him either. He is what he is,” Erick continued.

“But what was that just now? What did he say about me?” Michael asked.

Erick was quiet for a moment. “Nothing special really, something that you can just let slip by. You can hardly hear any sense coming out of that man’s mouth, ever,” Erick told him, looking angrily at the man standing at the other side of the room.

“So let’s just forget about that and talk about something else,” Erick sighed, forcing a smile. But Michael couldn’t forget it; he wanted to know and wanted to understand what was being said around him. He didn’t want to be someone that the others could easily joke about, while he was present.

It was getting late. Erick and Paul made their leave.

“I think we are just getting too old, Paul dear. Can’t stay up so late, like we did when we were younger,” Erick said yawning. “Good night then, Michael. Try to ignore those drunken idiots even if they said something stupid,” Erick told him and gave him a hug.

“Okay, I’ll try…Good night!” Michael smiled to them and walked them to the door.

He felt somehow lost when Erick and Paul had left. He looked at Jean and his friends, who sat in the living room, talking, laughing and drinking. There were four others with Jean and Patrick. Michael thought that he should just go to bed; he didn’t feel comfortable enough to stay and sit with them.

Michael walked toward the bedroom, when Jean called his name.

“Where are you going dear? You should come here and talk with us,” Jean said with a drunken voice.

“I’m just so tired already, so I’m going to sleep,” Michael answered; he didn’t like the fact that they were all looking at him. Patrick smirked and said something with a sneering voice to the others, something that contained the word: English. Others laughed slightly. Michael was getting angry and his courage increased.

“If you have something to say to me Patrick, then just say it straight! Just let it out, anything you have against me or against the English, just say it!” Michael screamed.

Patrick looked at him quietly, but soon the annoying grin appeared on his lips. Jean just looked surprised.

“Alright then, I only said that you English are just damn boring,” Patrick told him, looking straight at him.

“Is that all?…Well then, I surely wouldn’t want to bore you any further,” Michael said glaring angrily at the man and then at Jean, who was still quiet. Michael turned to leave.

“Don’t be so upset, Michael, it was just a joke, wasn’t it, Patrick?” Jean spoke then.

“Yes, can you not understand a little humour?” Patrick laughed.

“Can you not think of anything better, Patrick? I must say, your jokes are not that good. I mean, I’m sure that there are plenty of jokes about the English and that was your try? Well, perhaps next time, you’ll try little better, eh?” Michael said and looked at all of them and walked to the bedroom, closing the door after him.

Jean came into the room after him. Michael was sitting on the bed and Jean sat next to him.

“Michael, really, you shouldn’t take that so seriously.”

“Well, I’m sorry Jean, but I just don’t like him and I don’t think that that’s going to change.“ Michael told him.

“I’m sure that you’re going to like him, you two just need to get to know each other better,” Jean said and kissed him. He caressed his body.

“Hey, Jean! Are you guys fucking there or what!?” Patrick’s voice came from the living room, he laughed.

“You better go back to your friends,” Michael said. Jean tried to kiss him, but Michael pulled away.

“Alright then,” Jean said, sounding just a little bit angry of the fact that he was turned down by Michael. Jean slammed the door after him. Michael sighed and undressed himself leaving only his boxers on. He pulled the cover up and fell asleep.

It was four a.m. and everyone was beginning to be really drunk by now, all except Patrick. He listened with amusement to the drunken conversation that the others were having. He looked at the bedroom door every once and awhile. Finally he got up and sneaked inside the bedroom, so that none of the others saw him, they were too drunk to notice. He looked at the young man, who was sleeping on the bed, on his back. He came closed and climbed on the bed, on top of Michael, putting his palm over his mouth.

Michael awoke immediately; he blinked his eyes in confusion and fear. His heart was beating wildly as he looked at the man on top of him. The confusion and fear were growing inside him as he realized that it was Patrick.

“I know what you are,” Patrick whispered. “I have seen the video tapes of you…You’re noting more than an English whore. I bet you just love getting fucked by an older man; in fact I think you want it right now too,” Patrick’s voice was hoarse, he put his free hand under the covers and squeezed Michael’s cock through his boxers. Michael struggled to free himself from Patrick’s hold.

“What tapes are you talking about?” he asked, voice trembling.

Patrick grinned. “Oh, come now, you couldn’t have forgotten?…I’m talking about those porn videos,” Patrick whispered.

Michael was in shock to say the least. He had always been scared that the tapes would be spread out, but he could have never guessed that some one of Jean’s friends would have seen them.

“Where have you gotten them?”

“Does it matter? What do you think that Jean likes them? When you won’t say a word about this, then I won’t show those to Jean…” Patrick smiled evilly. He leaned in closer and whispered into his ear.

“I must say…I did like what I saw, I liked it a lot…I would gladly fuck you sometime, anytime.” Michael looked at him with disgust as Patrick rose up from the bed.

“Go now! You’re disgusting,” he snapped. Patrick grinned.

“If I were you, I’d be a little friendlier. Like I said, it would be sad if Jean would have to see his boyfriend in such situations…” he said then, walking towards the door. When he reached it, he turned around and sent him an air kiss. “Good night, Michael, sweet dreams,” he said, smiled and left.

Michael looked at the door feeling stunned. His breathing was tense. He felt angry, scared and hurt; the past would never leave him, it would be always there to hunt him, no matter how much he would try to run from it.

Chapter 14.

The days, weeks and months passed by and Jean’s jealous nature was revealed to Michael. His jealousy seemed to take its full meassure when Jean was drunk and he seemed to drink more often. It didn’t take a lot for the man to get jealous. A simple smile or a brief look to someone at the bar or on the street was all it took to get Jean accuse Michael of cheating or planning to cheat.

Michael had to be on his toes constantly, trying not to give any reason for Jean to feel jealous. It was pressing to live like that; Jean was watching his every move and as it seemed, so was Patrick. Michael knew that Patrick was waiting him to get caught in something and to fail in Jean’s eyes. The ironic thing of it all was that the only person Jean should have been worried about was Patrick. The man kept molesting Michael at every chance that he could, he kept touching him and teasing him with sexual things whispered to his ear. Michael had endured Patrick’s behavour, silently hating it, but finally he had enough.

They were at Jean’s apartment, the three of them. Michael hated the fact that Patrick spent so much time with them. He honestly couldn’t stand the man and he knew that Patrick didn’t like him either. The man only loved the way he looked, lusted after him and thought that he was just a whore, and that seemed to give him the right to treat him accordingly.

Michael was making dinner in the kitchen, while Jean and Patrick were talking in the living room. Michael had always loved to cook and trying out different recipes. And this also gave him the perfect chance and excuse to avoid Patrick’s company.

Suddently he felt an arm coming around his waist, hot breath on his neck, hand squeezed his buttocks. “Mmm…You look so delicious today, you don’t know how much I would want to…If Jean wasn’t here, you could show me all those good tricks that a good little whore like you knows how to do,” Patrick whispered.

“Go to hell, Patrick! I have had enough of this! If you think that I’m going to put up with this any longer, you’re wrong; I’m going to tell Jean about you, about all of this!” Michael screamed as he had pushed Patrick away from him. Patrick merely smirked.

“I don’t think you remember that I still got those videos and I won’t hesitate to show those to Jean, if you…”

“God dammit, Patrick! I don’t care! I only want you to leave me alone! Besides Jean knows everything about my past,” Michael screamed in anger. Patrick took few steps back from him and grinned.

“About those tapes too? Alright then, it’s your choice after all.”

Jean came to the kitchen with them.

“What is going on in here? Are you two fighting?” he asked. Both Michael and Patrick looked at him and then back to each other.

“I would really apreciate it, if you would ask your friend to leave, Jean. I have had enough of him molesting me,” Michael said looking at Patrick in a defying manner.

“Apparently your boyfriend here has some weird hallucinations, I merely came in here to offer my help and he started shouting at me.”

“Offering your help?! If you call that helping, then thanks but I don’t need it!” Michael shouted.

“Um…Patrick, I think it’s best that you leave for now, I’ll talk to you later, okay?” Jean said looking at his friend.

“Alright, Jean, try to talk some sense to that loony,” Patrick said and left.

Jean came close to Michael and took him in his embrace.

“What’s the matter Mon amour? Why did you two fight? I would so much like for you to get along with each other. Can you not try?” Jean asked softly and placed his hand on his face.

“Why should I be the one to try? Can you not see, Jean? Can you really not see how he speaks to me? The way he touches me?”

Jean looked at him with doubt.“Perhaps you’re just imagining this, darling? He’s only trying to be friend’s with you.”

“Trying to be friend’s with me?! My God, you’re blind, Patrick doesn’t like me! He only insults me, thinking that he can talk to me and touch me in anyway he likes!” Michael withdrew himself away from Jean’s arms and returned back to his cooking with anger.

“Well perhaps you just send those kinds of signals to him. I have seen how you flirt with people; perhaps you do that with Patrick too!” Jean shouted after being quiet for awhile.

“Signals? What bloody signals?! And I haven’t even flirted with any one! Open your eyes, Jean!” Jean was looking at him, mad as hell, and for a moment Michael thought that the man would hit him. Michael was beginning to feel scared.

“Don’t you shout at me! You ungrateful prat!” Jean screamed, holding back the urge to slap his young boyfriend. “I’ll go for a walk. Try to think of how you’ve been acting while I’m gone!” Jean shouted and left. Michael stood in the kitchen stunned and soon he heard the front door being slammed shut. ‘Now how did this turn out this way, why is everything always my fault?’ Michael asked himself in confusion.

Jean was furious; he didn’t like being shouted at. He wondered who was right, Patrick or Michael? He had known Patrick for several years and he had always been able to trust him with everything. Patrick knew every single thing about him, every good and bad thing that he was and what he had done. Patrick had never judged him. And Michael? He hadn’t known him for that long and the boy’s past? …Well it was something to bother him; how many men had touched Michael before him? The mere thought of it enraged him. He finally arived to his friends home and rang the doorbell. It took only few seconds before Patrick opened the door for him.

“Jean, what a surprise. ome in.”

They sat in the living room.

“Tell me Patrick, what’s the truth? What Michael said…” Patrick cut him off.

“He’s just begging for your attention, Jean, what else can you expect from such a…hm…Just wait a second, I’ll show you something that you might find interesting. I think it will help you to see things more clearly.”


When hours went by and Jean didn’t show up, Michael started to feel bad. He shouldn’t have shouted at Jean, Jean had offered him a lot and been so good to him. He owed Jean a lot and didn’t deserve his kindness. He would try to be better; he would try to act kind to Patrick, if Jean asked him to do so. He didn’t like the man, but he would try, for Jean’s sake.

Finally he heard the front door openning. Jean came inside and started to undress his coat. Michael came into the hall and leaned against the wall.

“Look, Jean, I’m really sorry. I shouldn’t have shouted at you…It’s just…well, Patrick gets under my nerves some times, but I promise that I’ll try better, that I’ll try to get along with him,” Michael said and received an odd, despising look from his boyfriend.

“Well that is indeed what you’ll do,” Jean said with a cold voice. He walked past him to get some whiskey from his bar cabinet, he drank his glass empty.

Michael looked at him in confusion; he did not know what to do or what he should say. He only knew that Jean was still mad at him for some reason.

“I could warm up some supper for you, if you’re hungry?” Michael suggested with quiet voice. Jean looked at him.

“I’m not hungry,” he told him, filled his glass up again and sat on the couch. He turned the TV on.

“Where were you?” Michael asked, sitting on the armchair, he didn’t feel like sitting next to Jean.

“I was at Patrick’s,” Jean answered dully. Michael felt really nervous.

“Oh…” Was all that he could say? Jean was acting really strange. The man got up and filled his glass again, he then returned to his seat, staring at the TV with blank _expression. It was some really stupid looking TV show, with half naked women in it. Michael gulped nervously as he watched Jean’s drinking. He knew that it was best to stay silent. He got up and went to the bedroom to read a book.

In an hour or so, Jean staggered to the bedroom door. Michael turned to look at the man who was really drunk by now. He placed his book on the nightstand and rose to sit as Jean came nearer. Jean sat on the bed, little farther from him.

“Come here, mon amour,” Jean said with a drunken voice and tapped the spot next to him. Michael moved closer very slowly and Jean put his arms around him. Michael noticed that he was little bit scared of Jean. Jean leaned in to kiss him roughly and shed him onto his back on the bed. Jean’s mouth tasted like booze, it tasted really foul to Michael. Jean pressed his lips so roughly against his, that it started hurting.

Jean was holding his wrist down above his head, so hard that Michael was sure that it would leave him with bruises.

“Jean, please stop…you’re hurting me,” Michael moaned under his boyfriend. Jean’s eyes were burning with lust. Jean really didn’t want to stop and Michael could see from his eyes how he was struggling with himself. Finally Jean let his arms free and stood up. He walked to the bathroom. Only moments later Michael heard the shower being turned on. Michael felt tears in his eyes. ‘You know that was really close, he wanted to hurt you and you know it,’ the voice in his head told him, but Michael didn’t want to listen to it. He just wanted Jean to stop being mad at him, he had to do something to make it all better again.


Two weeks went by and Jean still acted very coldly towards him. Michael had tried to ask what was wrong with him, but he refused to answer. Michael wondered if Patrick had really showed the tapes to Jean.

It was Friday night, when they went to one gay-club. Patrick was also there, but Michael tried his best not to pay any attention to the man. Erick and Paul were also there, so everything would be alright. Paul had his friend Kristjan with him, who had lived in England for several years. Michael talked with him, loosing himself totally in the conversation. It had been such a long time since he had talked to any one who knew the same places and surroundings that he did. It was only when they were heading back home when he realized that everything was not okay with Jean. The man seemed to be angrier than ever before.

They walked into their apartment. Michael took his coat off, fearing of what was to come.

“What the fuck was that at the club?” Jean asked with anger.

“I`m sorry, I don’t understand…What was what?” Michael asked and placed his coat on the coat rack.

“You know perfectly well, what I`m talking about. I saw the way you were looking at that man.”

“We were just talking Jean, nothing else,” Michael said looking at him, the anger was so clear in his eyes.

“Just talking?! I`m not blind Michael. You were planning something, arranging some secret meeting behind my back. You want to fuck him and then you would just laugh at me…” Michael looked at him in shock, his eyes widening.

“My God, Jean…We really did just talk…I don’t want to talk with you when you’re like this. Just clear your head from the drinking and in the morning you realize how ridiculous you’re accusations are.”

Michael walked towards the bedroom, Jean following him, he grasped his arm.

“You are not going anywere right now! I´m not going to let you make a fool out of me. You’re mine, only mine. Without me you would be nothing, you would probably be dead by now, without me!” Jean screamed. His fury was really scaring him, Michael tried to pull his arm free.

“You don’t own me!” Michael shouted.

“You little worthless whore!” Michael didn’t have time to react when Jean hit him on the face with force. Michael almost fell onto the floor. Michael looked at him, tears in his eyes. He held his hand on his burning cheek. He couldn’t believe that Jean had really hit him.

Jean tried to hit him again, but Michael managed to avoid it this time.

“Jean stop please!” Michael begged him.

“Patrick showed me those tapes and he was right. You truly are noting more than a whore and I’m sure you enjoyed every minute of it!” Jean grasped his shoulders and pushed him onto the floor. Michael cried from pain and he looked up to his boyfriend, tears running down his face.

“You knew what I was, when you took me! You knew, I told you!” he cried, his voice was hoarse from the tears. “I didn’t enjoy any of it, never…You know this!” Michael continued.

“That wasn’t what I saw.” Jean’s voice was cold and harsh.

“Jean please listen to me…I don’t even remember all of those times, I don’t want to remember. Lots of the times I was drugged or too stoned, or…I don’t remember, Jean! I don’t even know how many times…I never wanted any of it!” Michael stood up from the floor, his legs were shaking.

Jean was too mad to listen. He pushed him hard against the wall, but before Jean was able to reach him Michael ran quickly inside the bedroom, locking the door after him. Jean hit the door with his fists, over and over again.

“Let me in, you fucking slut!” he screamed. Michael leaned against the door, crying with fear. He couldn’t believe that behind the door was the same man he had met all those months ago in New York.

Finally it became quiet. Michael walked over to the bed and lied down. His face and his body was sore, his head began to hurt from the crying. ‘What did I do to deserve this life? Why me?’ he asked himself over and over again. He didn’t know what the answer was.

The next morning he woke up, his cheek was really hurting by than. He got up and went to look at himself from the mirror. His left cheek was beginning to form a clear bruise. He touched it gently, but didn’t want to look at himself any longer. He walked over to the door and opened it. He saw Jean lying on the couch. Michael walked past him into the kitchen to boil some tea for himself.

“I have a terrible headache; would you bring me some aspirin, chéri?” Jean’s weak voice came from the living room. Michael took the medicine from the closet and poured a glass full of water. He then brought them to Jean.

“So now I’m your darling again?” Michael asked handing him the glass and the pill. Jean looked at him with surprise, like he only then remembered what he had done last night.

“Oh God, did I do that to you? Oh my…I’m so sorry, Mon amour, please forgive me,” Jean asked, taking the pill and drinking the water quickly.

“Just leave it…” Michael said coldly and walked back into the kitchen. Jean followed him. He placed his hands on his shoulders and kissed his neck.

“Forgive me,” Michael walked away, but Jean didn’t give up. ”Just please forgive me.” Jean pressed his own body against Michael’s back and put his arms around him.

“You called me a whore…” Michael said quietly.

“I’m so sorry…I was just so damn drunk and so jealous…Patrick showed me the tapes two weeks ago and I haven’t been able to think clearly after that…I was a stupid drunken fool and I never do that again, I would never hurt you again.”

Michael turned around to face him. “Will you promise?” he asked.

“I promise,” Jean smiled; he stoked his hair gently and kissed him.

“You smell like booze and you taste like that too…” Michael said sniffing at his nose, he smiled just a little.

Jean laughed softly. “Was that a smile I saw on your lips? You forgive me then?”

Michael nodded his head slowly. “Alright I’ll forgive you this time…You shouldn’t have seen those tapes.”

“Let’s not talk about that right now okay? It’s all only your past…You know that the best thing in fighting is making up?” Jean whispered and nipped his earlobe.

Michael didn’t know what to say to this. He didn’t feel like having sex right then and there, but he was afraid of saying no, he just wanted things to be the way they were before. So he let Jean kiss his neck and his cheeks, he let him undress his shirt.

“You drive me so crazy from desire; I’ll never have enough from you,” Jean whispered moving his hands on his naked upper body. Jean lowered himself down and opened his jeans; he pulled them with his boxers down on his angles and then kissed his cock softly. Michael ran his fingers in Jean’s hair; he felt Jean’s hands squeezing his buttocks tightly. Michael moaned from pleasure, as Jean was sucking his cock. It felt amazing.

Jean rose up from the floor; he placed Michael’s hand on the front of his jeans.

“Can you feel how hard I am?”


“Turn around,” Jean ordered him. Michael did just that and leaned over the kitchen counter. Jean massaged his own body against his and Michael could feel his hard cock demanding to be released from the tight jeans.

“I want you so bad, Michael…I want to come inside your tight little ass and fuck you hard,” Jean whispered to his ear.

“Do you want that? Do you want me to fuck you like that?” he asked.

“Y-yes.” Michael answered with insecurity.

Jean opened his jeans, spat on his hand and pushed his fingers inside his young lover. When he thought that he had prepared him enough, he spat on his hand again and rubbed his cock with it. He didn’t want to bother with better lube, he just wanted to fuck and he wanted it now. He shoved his cock inside the tight hole and heard as Micheal cried a little; it was just the sweetest sound of the world, to hear him cry out like that.

“That’s right babe, you like this, my cock inside you…you needed it so bad, didn’t you?”

“mmh…” Michael bit his teeth together, trying to ignore the pain. Jean was massaging his cock with his hand and it felt good; pleasure mixed with pain. Jean kissed his neck, and then he bit it, leaving a visible mark. They both came almost at the same moment.

Jean pulled his cock out from him.

“That felt so good…” Jean smiled. Michael was trembling a bit; he felt how Jean’s come started draining down his legs. He collected his clothes from the floor and stood up. Jean looked at his bruise and touched it lightly.

“It’s better that you don’t tell anyone how this happened. Especially to Erick or Paul, you don’t want them to be mad at me, right? It’s just between you and me?” Jean asked. Michael looked at him with serious face.

”I won’t tell them…” he promised.

“I love you, you’re so great!” Jean smiled happily and kissed his lips.

Chapter 15.

Michael had first began learning how to speak French with Erick`s help and later he started to go in an evening school to learn the language even better. He noticed that his Spanish language skill helped him a little with the French learning.

He had also started working in an English restaurant, which was located near one very popular hotel, so most of the customers were foreigners. The place was owned by Mrs. Muriel Gladstone, a warm hearted English lady, who was in her fifties. At first Mrs. Gladstone had been little worried of his still fumbling French skill, as well as his lack of experience in waiting, but Michael had smiled his most charming smile and assured her that he was indeed a fast learner and that his Spanish skills would most certainly come to an advantage. So she had hired him.

“Well most of the customers are foreigners, so I think you`ll do just fine. And with that appearance and with that smile, much is forgiven, even with the French customers,” Mrs. Glandstone had told him, when she had hired him. And she had been very pleased with his working, customers were praising him. Michael hadn`t been happier in a long time. Only then he truly realized how much he had missed the normal life, how happy it made him just to have some kind of routine and being able to make his own money.

August 2002

Samuel Grey and Katherine Marshall sat in the restaurant at lunch time, examining their menus.

“Oh my god Kitty, have you ever seen anything more beautiful?” Sam sighted suddenly. Kitty raised her eyes from the menu and looked into the same direction as her friend.

“Oh, him?” Kitty grinned.

“Why do you think I brought you here? Angela and I had dinner here the other night,” Kitty said quietly with a smile on her lips.

“I think that this is going to be my favorite restaurant,” Sam said smiling as the waiter approached them.

“Hey, are you ready to order?” the young, brunet waiter asked them smiling.

Sam couldn’t help but to stare at him; the beautiful chocolate brown eyes, full lips turned to a perfect smile. ‘Oh, he has the cutest dimples ever,’ Sam thought and then read the waiter’s name from the sign on his black shirt. `Michael…oh, I like that name…`

“Would you like to hear the day`s specials?” he asked.

“Um…oh, I already know what I woul like…Cesar salad and some ice watter, please,” Kitty answered after coming back from her drooling. Michael looked at the blond young man, who`s deep blue eyes were looking at him.

“And for you, sir?” Michael smiled. Sam came back from his own dreaming.

“Well……What would you recommend?” he asked smiling.

“Do you like spicy food?” Michael asked.

“Hm…How spicy are we talking here?”

“So not too spicy I assume,” Michael grinned friendly. “Pizza pollo is good, if you like chicken? It has fresh basilica and paprika`s. I could ask the chef to put the hot spices aside so you could add them in the way you like?”

“Sounds good to me, I’ll take that and one beer, please.”

“What kind of beer?”


“Is Guinness okay?”

“Yes, thanks.”

“Um…I could also take one glass of dry white wine please, after all we are on our summer holiday,” Kitty said and smiled.

“Okay, thank you, I`ll come back with the drinks shortly,” Michael said and turned to leave.

“Oh, he’s gorgeous…hm…I wonder if he would go out with me sometime…” Sam was thinking out loud.

“What makes you think that he`s gay? He could be straight you know? I could ask him out,” Kitty said looking at her friend.

“Oh, he`s gay, trust me,” Sam grinned.

“You can`t know everything, Sam, and besides it dosn`t really matter is he or isn`t he, if someone is that good looking, they must be already spoken for,” Kitty sighed.

“Spoken for?” Sam laughed at his friend’s choice of words, before continuing. “We are both singles, Kitty, if you haven`t noticed and you know that there is nothing wrong with the way we look, so…” Sam pointed out.

“Yeah, yeah…but you`re that way because you chose so. You`re one of those people, who just has many one night affairs and hardly ever anything that would even have the slightest chance to go any deeper…And as for me, I`m still trying to get over from the last guy that broke my heart.”

“He could have the same excuses that we do and besides I could imagine having more than just one night affairs. In fact those have begun to bore me, but so far, there hasn`t been anyone who I could have beared to look at longer than just one night…I`m sure I could bear to look at him…” Sam told her.

“I can bet that he`s not like you, sleeping around with as many as he can, he looks just too kind for that sort of thing. Just look at his eyes! He is either getting over from the last relationship or he`s in a relationship. But that woman might be totally wrong for him and the salvation is sitting right here, at this table, meaning myself. ” Kitty smiled and continued. “And he just has to be straight, otherwise the world is very unjust indeed!”

“Kind looking? He looks like a sex god. And besides, I`m kind looking too, in fact I am kind! Well at least most would say that I am…But kind men do need sex too…and he`s gay, it takes one to know one.”

“Here are your drinks.” Michael placed the glasses on the table and smiled.

“Thank you,” they both said.

”You`re welcome.”

“By the way, why is there so much Italian food on your menu?” Sam asked, he just wanted to ask something from the gorgeous waiter and hadn`t thought of anything better.

“Well our head chef is Italian and he insisted upon it…” Michael lowered his voice and continued. “You`re in luck that he`s the one working today and not the other one,” he grinned.

“Would you like anything else?” he asked then.

“No, thank you. This is just fine,” Kitty answered quickly before Sam could ask anything else from the cute waiter, she was afraid that it would be something really stupid.

“I want to get to know him, Kitty, I want to know who he is,” Sam said, looking longingly at the waiter who was standing little farther away taking an order from an elderly couple.

“Just another one night affair,” Kitty said tasting her wine.

“No, no more one night things, I want more…” Sam told her.

“Alright, if you get him to go out with you, I treat the next pub evening for you, but only if he is, like you say; gay. If he`s not, I ask him out myself and you treat for me,” Kitty suggested smiling.

”Alright, I`m in.”


Sam returned to the restaurant two days later and this time he was alone. Michael had seen the blond man the minute that he had walked in. He smiled at him and received a wide smile back. He felt oddly excited as he walked over to the table, where the blond was sitting.

“Hello, so you really did like the food the other day?” Michael smiled.

“The food was great, but what was even greater was the service. I was hoping that you would be here today,” the blond grinned and Michael felt an odd pinching feeling in the bottom of his stomach.

“What would you like to drink?” he asked.

“One beer, please.”

“Same as the last time?”

“Yes, please.”

Michael returned to him, with the beer.

“Are you ready to order, or are you waiting for your girlfriend?” For some odd reason Michael noticed that he was hoping that this man wouldn`t have a girlfriend and that…Sam laughed slightly.

“No, no girlfriend. We are just friends with that charming redhead. This time I came here all by myself,” Sam answered trying to think of a delicate way of asking if the waiter was indeed gay or seeing anyone. He then came to the conclusion that there was no such way.

”Hm…Would you recommend something again? I`m terribly helpless in these kind of things, I don`t even know how to cook, so I have to eat outside or buy something ready made from store…pitiful, isn`t it?”

Michael laughed at this. “Well that’s what restaurants are for,” he winked at him. “But seriously…Today I would recommend a few beers in here and if you want something decent to eat, then another place would be better, our head chef has a day off.” Michael spoke so quietly that no one else, but Sam heard him.

Sam laughed. “Oh, I see…well…since you seem to know more about these food things…um…Would you perhaps, want to go with me to dinner? Some place good?” Sam asked carefully. Michael felt as though he blushed, he wasn`t sure, his heart was beading fast. ‘Remember Jean, Remember Jean,’ his brains tried desperately to remind him.

“My shift ends in one hour, if you can wait, then alright,” he answered, deciding to forget Jean for a moment. Sam smiled even wider.

“Of course I can!” he answered, perhaps a bit too eagerly. “I’ll just wait here, drink some beer and um…wait…” Sam said looking at the beautiful brunet. He could have looked into those eyes forever.

After an hour, they met outside the restaurant.

“Hi again,” Michael said smiling as he had gotten close to the blonde.

“Hi.” For a moment they just looked one another and smiled.

“So where would you like to go? What kind of food…?” Michael asked finally.

“Everything is fine with me,” Sam answered happily.

“I know one good Indian place, not far from here. Is that okay with you?”

“Yes that sounds good…Oh, I have forgotten to introduce myself completely…I`m Samuel Gray…Sam,” he said smiling.

“Nice to meet you Sam, I`m Michael Wills, Oh, I mean Michael Harris…” Michael shook his head laughing. “I better explain that…You see I changed my last name a year ago and sometimes…well sometimes I just forget.” He grinned, blushing slightly.

“Change your last name, why? You got married?” Sam asked with interest.

“Oh God no, I mean…Well it`s kind of a long story…there is certain someone that I would not want to find me and this seemed to be something to help me with that, so I took my mothers maiden name to use,” Michael explained as they walked forward.

“Some harasser? Molester? Well, I`m not surprised really, with that look, you must get harassed a lot.”

Michael looked at Sam and grinned. “Well, something like that…”

“Where are you from?” Sam asked.

“I`m from Devonport, which is in Plymouth. You know the place?”

“Yes, I`m from London myself.” Sam looked at Michael admiring his beautiful features. Michael looked at him too and smiled.

“How long have you been in Paris, Sam?”

“Five months, and you?”

“A year, I came here last year in September from New York.”

“Oh, before those terrorist acts or after?”


“Well, you left there just in time. How long did you live there?” Sam asked.

“Almost four years.”

“Did you like New York?”

“No, not at all, I don’t ever want to go back there again.”

“This must have something to do with the name changing thing.”


They finally arrived to the restaurant and sat at a free table.

“What did you do in New York?” Sam asked after reading the menu.

“The same as here, I was a waiter,” Michael lied.

“I didn`t even finish senior high school. Stupid really, but I was young and eager and very, very stupid,” Michael told him and smiled weakly.

“How old are you now?” Sam asked.

“I`m 22.”

The waiter came to take their orders. Michael took tandoori chicken, ice water and beer. Sam looked at him like asking for help, when the waiter had asked him what he would like. Michael smiled.

“He takes chicken korma and one beer, guinness if you have that? Thank you.” The waiter nodded and left.

“It`s a bit milder, I think you might like it,” Michael smiled.

“Thanks, I haven`t eaten in an Indian restaurant before, even though there`s thousands of those in London,” Sam laughed. The waiter came back with the drinks and the naan bread and left.

“So how old are you and what do you do for living?” Michael asked.

“I`m 25. I`m working in one gym as a trainer.”

“Is your food very spicy?” Sam asked when they had eaten for awhile. Michael laughed.

“Do you want to taste?” Sam nodded his head and took a small amount of Michael`s food on his fork. Michael smiled at him. It felt like he had known Sam for much longer. It felt easy to be with him and to talk with him.

“Oh my god, you must really like spicy food?” Sam said and drank some water. Michael grinned.

“Well I have eaten somewhat spicy food since I was a child, my grandmother was Spanish and…well you got used to it. I love spicy food.”

“I haven`t got used to this much spices, I don`t think my stomach would take it very well,” Sam laughed.

“Your friend, the one you were with the other day, she is also an English person, right?” Michael asked.

“Yes, Kitty. Yes, she is. I’, childhood friends with her and we both came here to work, I don`t know how I would manage without her… She is a makeup artist.” Michael nodded and smiled little sadly.

“I haven`t seen my childhood friends in so many years, not since I left to New York,” he said.

“Have you kept in touch with them?”

“No, not even with my parents. We got into a quarrel when I told them that…” Michael fell silent and looked at Sam hesitating.

“Go on?” Sam encouraged him.

“…When I told them that I`m gay,” Michael said finally. Sam smiled, he had been right.

“Have you ever considered of giving them a call or something?” Sam asked although he really had wanted to ask if Michael was seeing anyone.

“Yes, especially to my parents, but on the other hand…I don`t know; I guess I`m afraid to make that move…I`m afraid of what they would think about me now…”

Michael`s cell phone began to rang interrupting their chat. The caller was Jean.

“Where are you? Didn`t your shift end hours ago?” Jean asked with anger.

“I`m sorry, I forgot to call you…” Michael answered trying to think of a good explanation. He thought that the best thing was to tell the truth, or at least partly the truth. “I met couple of new people and I went to coffee with them, they are from England and…” Michael looked at Sam with shame.

“What people? You met them where?” Jean sounded even angrier.

“We talk when I get home, alright?”

“Well, alright, just hurry back!” Jean insisted.

“Okay, bye Jean!”

Michael sighted after finishing the call. He looked at Sam.

“I`m sorry, my boyfriend was a bit nervous of my where abouts…He`s quite jealous and I didn`t dare to say that I was having dinner with just you…I`m so sorry, this is quite embarrassing.” Sam smiled at him while trying to hide his disappointment that Michael was indeed taken.

“It`s alright I understand. Have you two been together for long?”

“A year, I moved here with him, from New York. I really don`t know lot of people around here, besides Jean and his friends and only two of them are my friends too.”

“Sounds like few more friends wouldn`t hurt to have?” Sam smiled and this made Michael smile too.

“No, indeed not.”

“It would be nice to see you again sometime, I`m sure that my friend Kitty would also like to get to know you. Go out with us sometime?” Sam suggested.

“That would be really nice. Thanks”

Sam payed their check and they left outside.

“Thank you Sam, for the food and the company. I really had a nice time with you.”

“No need to thank me, the pleasure was all mine. Well, now we have each others phone number and I’m sure that we`ll meet again. Try to manage with that boyfriend of yours.” Sam winked at him. Michael laughed.

“I`ll try. See you later Sam!” Michael smiled.

“Yes, see you!” Sam smiled back at him.

He looked after Michael for a moment, as he was walking into a different direction of where he would be heading. He sighed deeply and hoped that Michael would leave his boyfriend or something. It had been a very long time since he had felt something like this for someone and they only just met. He really did want a chance with Michael, but he was prepared of just friendship with him, it would be enough, for now anyway.