He breathed heavily, feeling the warmness close to him, so close. He could feel himself starting to lose all sense of reality. Soft hands, carefully moving on his sides, touching, feeling the muscles through his shirt. He looked down at the blond hair. The boy was a head shorter than him. His eyes followed the movements of the hands on his body. His own hands; clenched to a fist on his side, slowly relaxing, ever so slowly, carefully touching the arm of the boy. He began to lose himself into the feeling, how long had it been? How many years? He hadn’t allowed himself to feel for such a long time and now… Now something, inside, something was waking. He was trembling, moving his hand on the boy’s thigh, lightly touching the curve of his lower back, just above the buttocks.
Such a familiar feeling and yet so long ago forgotten, his other hand reached out, touched the smooth skin of the boy’s cheek. His hand was carefully taken, lean fingers wrapped around his wrist, his fingers meeting with the soft pink lips. Blue eyes looking deep into his, asking, pleading for something, did the boy even know what he was asking? Eyes, filled with such innocence, such warmness that he had missed. Love, promises…The hot breathing, his skin felt like it was tingling, how long had it been? The heath of another body so close and he knew it could get better, he remembered…
Their lips met, it was a soft kiss, insecure kiss. His arms moved to take a support of the lighter, smaller body before him. The boy felt so fragile in his hands, for a moment he thought that he might be able to break him if he held him too tight.
The room was dark, soft light of the moon behind the window, quietness of the evening, breathing. Kiss. The sweet taste of the boy, familiar but different at the same time. The kiss deepened, he held the body closer to his, losing himself into the awakening hunger. A rush of emotions, forgotten, forbidden feelings, all coming back at once. He remembered how good it had felt to hold him, how good it had felt to kiss him, make love to him. He loved him, loved him and oh how he missed him.
The boy before him, the boy he is holding now, fits into his arms so perfectly; almost like it’s meant to be. His shirt falls down onto the floor with the guiding of the boy’s hands.
There’s no turning back, he can’t turn back, tasting a forbidden fruit and the taste is as sweet as he knew it would be, maybe even sweeter. It is easy for him to lift the boy up, it is easy for him to carry the boy onto his bed and lay him down there. Move on top of him, move the shirt up, kiss the stomach, his navel, move the shirt higher, undress it completely with a little bit of help.
In amazement he runs his fingers on the naked chest, circles his fingers around the nipples, can’t help but notice similarities. A ghostly smile, the glimmer of the golden gross on the boy’s neck. He can hear the fast beat of his heart. The heath of his body, soft moans as he kisses the skin, moves lower.
The click of the belt as he hauls it open, the rustle of the fabric, untouched beauty before him, naked, insecurely the boy’s hands move, wanting to cover his organ, feeling so exposed, not knowing what to expect, what is going to happen. But gently his hands are moved away and the boy feels the hot breathing against his shaft, which in excitement grows, blood rushing down fast. He’s never felt anything like this, his skin feels so hot, his cheeks are burning.
Suddenly a pair of lips takes his length into the warmness of the mouth, he trembles, not sure how long he can last, not sure if he wants it to stop or not, the pleasure is so strong that it’s almost painful. He knows he can’t last for long. ‘This is so wrong.’ the voice in his mind whispers. ‘Such a bad boy.’ whispers another. He can feel the sweat on his forehead and he moans, panting, it’s hard to breathe evenly. He isn’t sure what’s happening.
Suddenly a sharp pain moves through him as the finger enters him. He tries to squirm, such an odd feeling, not sure if he should try to escape from it or not. The man holds him still and sucks him harder and then it becomes too much and with a surprised yelp he comes.
Alexander licks the boy clean, listening to his panting, fingering him at the same time, taking some moisturising cream and preparing the boy with it. Knowing he couldn’t draw back if the boy would ask him now, hoping he wouldn’t ask him to stop. Slowly he opens his own pants, pulling his cock out. He moves Olavi’s legs apart, moving to lie between them. He hears the boy whimpering as he starts pushing in, couldn’t get in at first try, had to push in harder. The boy lets out a cry when his muscles finally give in to the hard thrust.
Olavi had never felt such a pain before, he trembled under the man, cried quietly, his nails digging into his flesh. His lips trembled as he held back a sob. The man didn’t move, just laid there, his hard penis inside him.
Alexander looked at the boys face, saw the pain in his features and kissed his skin softly. A smooth kiss on the trembling lips.
“Shh… It’s alright, it will stop hurting soon, I promise.” He whispered. “Open your eyes.” He asked gently and slowly the blue eyes fluttered open. Slowly he started moving inside him, kissing the boy; his forehead, cheeks and lips. He could feel himself getting close, it had been such a long time.
The man moved him onto his stomach and entered him again, this time the pain slowly faded. Then he felt sudden pleasure as the man seemed to hit something inside him, he couldn’t help but moan. Then he pulled him on his lap, moved him. He listened to the moans that the man was making, feeling strange and feeling pleasure at the same time. With a quiet moan Alexander finally came, holding onto the boy tightly.
They were both trying to catch their breathing, the man laid him down again, pulled out and laid next to him. They were silent for a long time.
Olavi could feel the cum leaking out, dripping down his thighs. It still felt as though there was something in him and he wasn’t sure what really had just taken place between them. He felt pain, didn’t think he could move. His heart was jumping in his chest, he suddenly felt scared and cold, alone, didn’t know what would happen now. When he had walked into the room, he had wanted… he had wanted something, but wasn’t exactly sure what. And now he laid there with the man who just moments earlier had been inside him.
Suddenly he felt as Alexander moved on the bed, turning on his side, carefully touching his face, his hair, almost lovingly, gently, insecurely. Olavi turned his head and looked at the man, his eyes watering.
“It was your first time.” Alexander spoke, not really asking, just taking a note and Olavi could do nothing but to nod. “I hope I didn’t hurt you much?” He shook his head for a reply. Lost for words.
“Are you cold?” He asked. “Come here.” The man pulled him close, sheltering him with a blanket.
Olavi wanted to ask him something, he wanted to ask what would happen, but found no strength for his voice. He felt warm now, lying against the man, under the blanked, listening to his breathing and the beat of his heart. He felt like he could stay there the whole night, hoping that he could.
It was too soon when he heard the voices, when he heard the others getting back.
“I have to go…” He whispered standing up, finding his clothes, dressing, trying to ignore the pain and feeling him looking at him.
“Good night.” He whispered quietly, sneaking out of the room after checking that no one would see him.
“Good night.” Alexander whispered back watching as the boy left. He sighed, stared at the ceiling and placed his hand on his forehead. He could still smell him, still taste him, still feel him. A small smile on his lips that died away soon and turned into a worry. What had he just done? Had he really taken that boy’s virginity? Had he really just slept with him? Kissed him? He knew this would bring him trouble and cursed the darkness, cursed himself for wanting to feel the boy close to him again. And then he thought of Elias and felt guilty, felt like he had failed him completely. He was more confused than he had ever been before.
Olavi laid on his bed, facing the wall, blanket drawn up high. Soon enough he heard steps echoing from the hall; coming closer to his door and he faked asleep. The door creaked open, opening his eyes a little he could see the light coming from behind. He knew it was her, he could feel her worry; she always worried. This time; maybe she did have a reason to do so?
He hoped that she would leave, knowing that he couldn’t face her now. He couldn’t let her find out what had happened.
The door closed softly after a gentle whisper of goodnight. He closed his eyes, few tears fell down on his cheeks, it still hurt. He trembled; what if the man would never want to see him again? And what had they done? Olavi listened, waiting until it got quiet.
He stood up carefully, feeling like he should wash himself; still dirty from the man’s cum. Walking hurt, he cursed silently, wondering if he would be able to walk better the next day, hoping that he could.
He walked quietly, outside, towards the sauna building. It was cold inside, but water in the boiler was still slightly warm, as it had been boiled earlier that night for the sauna, before the dance had started.
He undressed and started washing himself. He shivered, touched himself carefully down where it burned; moist and slippery. He took some soap and washed it all away. Still feeling slightly confused and scared about what he had done with the man. It had felt good in the end, feeling he had never before known it existed. But what would happen now? What should he do?
He closed his eyes, remembering the kisses, how good it felt to feel his body against his own. The man’s lips around his – … He blushed slightly in the darkness, a small smile on his lips. And then there had been pain, pain that he could still feel inside. Another man had been inside of him and it was…it had been… Painful, yes, but he had liked to be held so, kissed so… He knew it was wrong, but he couldn’t help but to want more.
He dried himself up, dressed his clothes back on and walked outside.
Alexander could not fall asleep, he was tossing and turning and finally gave up on trying. He stood up, dressed and decided to go out for a smoke. The night was slightly chilly, but beautiful and still. He watched the stars and the moon, remembering, regretting, mourning. His voice, his touch. The green eyes, smile on the pale lips; the sadness, the goodbye. So many things had been left unspoken.
Closing his eyes, he found himself thinking of Olavi; the blue eyes, the innocent. It felt good to hold him, taking him. He opened his eyes again.
Hearing something, he turned to look and saw the boy. Olavi stood few feet away, looking at him with insecurity. Alexander put out the cigarette and walked closer.
“Hey.” He said softly, their eyes met.
“Hey.” Olavi whispered, looking down at his shoes.
“Couldn’t fall asleep?” The man asked.
“I had to wash…” He told him, raising his gaze back up. There was an uncomfortable silence, until Alexander finally closed the distance and touched his cheek and his hair.
“Are you alright?” The blue eyes looked up to him, nodding softly.
“Um, what-“ Olavi gulped. “-What happens now?” He finally dared to ask. Alexander was quiet for a while which made him feel more nervous.
“What would you like to happen?” He asked.
“I-, I’m not sure…”
“If I hurt you, I’m sorry. I just got a little carried away with the moment, I shouldn’t have…” He started.
“No, I- … I’m not sorry and you shouldn’t be either…” The boy blushed slightly.
“You’re so young… I’m old enough to…” A finger was placed on his lips.
“I know what I feel, I know what I want and… you don’t seem that old.” He smiled and Alexander couldn’t help but to smile back as he looked at him.
Looking around carefully and seeing no one Olavi gave a light kiss on his cheek. Alexander turned his head so that their lips meet, Olavi smiled to the kiss.
“Can I sleep next to you? I would go back before the others wake.”
“Yes of course you may…” Alexander whispered.
Waking up to the first light of the sun, Olavi turned and saw Alexander lying there next to him. He smiled, watched his peaceful sleep, calm expression on his features and couldn’t help himself; he kissed the man’s cheek gently, waking him up.
Alexander opened his eyes and met with his, the boy smiled shyly and he returned the smile. The man moved his hand to touch the boy’s cheek, looking at his face more closely; observing the differences; Olavi’s nose was slightly smaller, the shape of his chin was different, his eyebrows… Small differences but differences still, differences that made him not the copy of his brother, but a person of his own. The most striking difference was the color of his eyes, though the shape was very much the same. He studied the light, small birthmarks on his skin; one on the right side of his upper lip…
“Why do you look at me so closely…” Olavi whispered.
“I’m storing your image in my mind.” He answered, smiling, letting his hand travel down his naked chest. “You are beautiful.” He whispered then. Olavi blushed.
“Am I?” He asked muttering, holding back a smile.
“Women are beautiful and men…”
“Men can be too, handsome, beautiful; you are both, don’t ever question it.”
“Well, thank you… You are handsome too Alex, very much so.” Olavi whispered, looking at him, smiling.
“Thank you.” Alexander smiled back and played with the boy’s soft hair. Olavi sighed, turned to lie on his stomach and looked outside.
He turned his head then to the side and looked back at Alexander.
“This feels strange, being here, laying here naked with you, but I feel comfortable here, I wouldn’t want to leave your bed.” Alexander was silent and stroked his naked back. “But I know I must, the sun is almost up, they will wake soon… I wonder what they’d do to us if they’d found out about us.”
“Well, I doubt they’d do anything to you, but as for myself, well who knows? They might hang me or shoot me; for seducing an underage boy, taking his innocents… I’m a grown man, you are but a boy still…”
“I’m not that young, do I look so young?” Olavi asked.
“Let me see…” Alexander disappeared under the blanket making Olavi laugh quietly when he started kissing his body in a way that tickled him. “Stop…” He giggled and Alexander lifted the blanket up revealing himself. Olavi laid on his back and Alexander laid on top of him.
“You are a man, a beautiful young man.” He whispered. They looked in each other’s eyes and kissed.
“I really should go, though I wouldn’t want to leave.”
Alexander kissed his lips once more before rolling to lay on his side.
“I would like to keep you here longer, but I think it would be a death wish to do so.”
“And I wouldn’t want you to get killed so I’ll go.” One more kiss was exchanged before Olavi was able to make himself leave the room, he missed his touch already when the door close after him. This was going to be hard, no doubt about that.
Aino followed her brother closely when he came to breakfast that morning. She noticed the pained expression on his face when he sat down and the slight smile that appeared on his lips later, seeming to be lost in his own world somewhere. Almost as if… could it be? That look… could it mean that?
“Okay, who is that girl?” She finally asked. Olavi looked at her in surprise, almost choking to his tea.
“The one who got that goofy smile on your face, the dreamy look in your eyes?” This was the exact moment when Alexander stepped in, hearing her question. Aino met with the man’s eyes and quickly he looked away helping himself with the coffee, but listening carefully.
“I uh, um…” Olavi didn’t know what he should do, how he should answer.
“Did Hanna finally manage to capture your heart?” She asked with curiosity.
“Um, there were other things on my mind, a dream I had… I uh… I saw a dream of mom and dad, Elias was in it, too and they all seemed so happy and that is what got me to smile… I think they’re happy.” He told her and didn’t even have to lie much. He had seen a dream of them.
“Good morning.” Alexander said to them as he sat down.
“Good morning.” Olavi smiled. Aino, however, didn’t even look at him and stood up, clearing her dishes from the table
“Olavi, remember that we’re leaving to the church soon. Finish your breakfast and get dressed.” Aino said and walked away from the kitchen, leaving them alone.
“Your sister doesn’t like me much, does she?” Alexander whispered quietly. Olavi stood up.
“She doesn’t know you, if she did, she couldn’t help but like you; Russian or not.” He whispered back, touched him briefly, secretly, before he had to go and get dressed in his church clothes.
He sneaked into his room the following night and the nights after that, unable to stay away. A new kind of pleasure, a new kind of excitement, a secret. Olavi loved being held by him, feeling his closeness, telling him things.
“My Swedish stepbrother Anton and his cousins hate me, they treated me like a second class citizen; Get this, Olavi, do that.’ They called me a stupid, ignorant, Finnish orphan… They made me feel like I didn’t belong there… I think he was jealous, that his father shared his love to me and my sister.” Olavi told him, while drawing circles on the man’s chest after love making. “I’m happy to be home, though at first I felt odd coming here from Stockholm, after getting used to the city life there. My Swedish writing skill is better than my Finnish and sometimes the other boys here give me a hard time for it. They think that I’m smug for it, that I believe I’m better than them because of it. I’m not though, in my heart, I’m as much Finnish as they are, even though I’ve lived most of my live in Sweden… It’s funny in a way, I can’t seem to please anyone…”
“That’s where you’re wrong; you please me.” Alexander whispered, getting him to smile.
“I’m glad then. ”
“What about you Alex, tell me about your family; are they still alive?”
“No, my parents are dead, my mother died when I was 10, my father raised me, he was a good man, though a very busy man and I didn’t get to see him that often. He is dead now as well, killed in the war like many others.”
“Do you miss him much?”
“Who? My father?”
“No, I mean the boy you said you loved, the one who got killed?” Alexander hesitated for a while, before he answered.
“Yes, I miss him at times. He was young like you, too young to die like that.”
“How did he die?” Olavi asked looking up to see his expression. Alexander met with his eyes.
“It still feels hard to talk about it, to remember it… I-, I watched him die and I couldn’t do anything to save him…” Olavi reached out to kiss his lips and looked deep into his eyes.
“We never really lose the ones we love, they’re still here; in our hearts and in our memories. Think of the good things you shared with him, do not think of the darkness of how you lost him… And no, I do not believe he would blame you for being with me like this now. If he loved you, he would want you to move on and be happy, he would want you to live… Remember him in your heart and all I ask, is for you to make a little room there for me as well…” He whispered and kissed him again. Alexander looked at him in amazement, placed his hand on his cheek.
“You truly are not a child anymore, are you?” He whispered and Olavi smiled.
“I told you that I’m not. Yes; I might have my childish moments, but I do understand things, I know of things… I’m not that ignorant an orphan as they accused me of being… And I’m on a mission; I’m on a mission to get you to live again. I’m determined and I will not fail,“
Alexander held him even closer, smelling his hair which smelled like sweet apples.
“I think you’ve already succeeded in it, for I haven’t felt more alive in years.” He whispered then.
The boy had so much spirit, so much life. He was warm, innocent and loving; so pure, so untouched by the cruelness of the world and yet he knew of it, had experienced it.
“My mother, I know she loved us with all her heart, I don’t remember much, but I do remember what it felt like to be held by her. She usually kept her hair up, but I remember times when she let it down, falling down to her waist, like soft, golden hay. To me, she looked like an angel.” The boy had told him one night.
Olavi liked to talk about his family, though he remembered so little of them. He would also ask him to tell stories of his family. Alexander had remained silent for so long and he had been alone for what felt like a lifetime, that now, having someone to hold, to talk to, made him remember things long ago forgotten and he realized that remembering didn’t always have to be painful, that one could actually smile at the memories of the people long ago lost and loved.
“My mother was a wise, beautiful woman, she always wanted more children, but I was the only one she got and she did love me, spoiled me even. We were rich once, lived in a fine house in Moscow, had everything one could ever ask for. As a child I was happy, up until she died; father changed after that, I believe her death broke his heart, he never remarried…” With that Alexander realised how much he and his father were the same; he had almost ended up the same way as his father had; never able to love anyone beside the one love lost too early.
But now? Every time he looked at Olavi, he felt such warmness, he felt at peace and he longed to hold the boy when he was not around, he longed to touch him when he was near and feared for him, feared the day when it would be taken away from him, nothing good lasted forever, it was the lesson that life had taught him well.
Secret meetings, stolen kisses, stolen moments. Gazing at the moon at nights outside in the forest, in each other’s arms, the only time of day that they could be like that with each other, outside in the darkness of their usual meeting place; the guestroom where he slept.
The boy was quite a gifted artist, he had shown him his work and spoken of his dreams; of going to Paris, of learning the language and painting there, becoming a true artist.
“When the summer ends, I want to go with you…” Olavi said one night as he was lying in his arms by the tree, beside the lake. “My stepparents want me to return to Stockholm, but I want to go with you. I don’t want to go back there.” Alexander was quiet for a while.
“Where would we go?” He asked then, with a voice no louder than a whisper.
“Anywhere, to Moscow, to your home, if you’d like.”
“I will not take you there.” Alexander said firmly.
“I-, I just can’t take you there,” He said, wanting to tell the true reason, but not finding the right words. ‘Because there are people who are trying to track me down, people that might hurt you…’ He thought to himself almost saying it out loud but the words got stuck to his throat; it was his greatest fear; that he would find him, that he would find Olavi.
“Well, come with me to Paris then, to be honest; I’d rather go there anyway.”
“And your sister?” Alexander asked. Olavi was quiet.
“I don’t know… I wouldn’t want to leave her, I’m not sure if I even could, but I-,” The boy glanced at him nervously. “But I wouldn’t want to leave you either and you… You’re the one I love… I would even follow you to your home land.” It had been hard for him to say, the strong words of love, the fear of what the man would answer, what his first love would answer, the man that had been closer to him than anyone before, the man who had been inside of him. Alexander touched his face, kissed his forehead and his lips, smiled.
“What would people think when seeing you with me?” He asked then. Olavi lowered his gaze, swallowing down the lump in his throat; the disappointment that the answer had not been the one that he had hoped.
“I guess they’d think that you’re my father.” He tried to joke, but his laughter was weak.
Alexander shook his head, smiling in amusement.
“So you do think I’m old then?” He asked. Olavi shook his head, smiling as well.
“No,” he said and looked up.
“Well I am, and it is true that I could be your father considering our age difference, but as soon as we would open our mouths; I think it would quite clear that we’re not the same blood. And besides we don’t exactly look alike, now do we?” He asked with a grin.
“You’re right, we don’t. You look like a Russian…. I knew you were from Russia, the moment I first saw you, before I heard you speak… And you were looking at me, staring at me even.” Olavi said bemusedly.
“Really? Well sorry, I suppose I was.” He smiled.
“It was because I look like him, wasn’t it?” Olavi asked then.
“No, don’t say anything, I understand.”
“Olavi, there’s something I need to tell you.” Alexander said then, Olavi glanced at him, squeezed his hand.
“It’s alright Alex, we can talk about it later. You love him, it’s hard to forget, I understand. We can talk about it later.”
The heat of the sauna, sweat glimmering on their naked flesh, skin touching another, making the heat grow. Olavi wriggled on his lap. They kissed, held each others.
“Your sister wouldn’t like this; me being here with you.” Alexander said as he held the boy tighter on his lap.
“She doesn’t have to know everything, besides it’s quite normal for two men to go to the sauna together.”
“Not quite like this I believe.” Alexander breathed out, kissing his neck.
“Yes, not quite like this. They don’t know what they’re missing though” Olavi chuckled. They kissed again, Olavi could feel the older man starting to harden a bit and smiled into the kiss.
“It’s too hot…” Alexander whispered finally.
“Aye, might not be the best place for this…” Olavi agreed, though they still continued, both of their skin hot and slippery, hard to breathe because of the hotness and the state of arousal.
“Come to my room this night?” Alexander asked him breathing heavily.
“I couldn’t stay away, not after this.” Olavi whispered. “I want you inside me so badly that it’s driving m crazy.” He moaned then, moving his hips, getting full erection from the man.
“I don’t think I’ll have to say anything to you, to know what my answer to that is.” Alexander laughed softly. Olavi smiled and kissed him.
“Just few hours before the night fall, you think that you can wait?”
“If I must, I’ll wait, I’ll wait forever if necessary, but oh gods I do hope I won’t have to wait that long.”
All of a sudden the door to the sauna opened and Olavi almost had heart attack, he got up from Alexander’s lap as quickly as he could and looked to the door where he found Emma’s son Elias. The boy had placed his thumb into his mouth and was sucking on it looking both of them back and forth.
“Elias.” Olavi breathed out, trying to calm himself down. The boy frowned, bending his head to the side, clearly not knowing what to think.
“Alexander and I…” He stared then.
“You were kissing.” The boy said. Olavi felt the corners of his mouth twitching as he tried to smile.
He got down onto the floor glanced at Alexander, who looked just as frightened as he felt.
He took the small boy into the changing room, and covered his own nakedness with a towel.
“Okay, Elias, um… We weren’t really kissing, we were just, um…uh…You see I-,…” He was lost with words. How could he explain this to a three year old. “You see we are very close friends and I-, I was…”
“You were making babies?” The boy asked innocently. Olavi stared at him with his mouth open, then he had sense enough to laugh.
“Babies? Oh heavens no. Two men can’t make babies… I. We’re just friends; Alexander and I… and there’s a secret, just for us men. You mustn’t tell your mother or to aunt Aino, or anyone for that matter okay? This is between us?”
“Um, okay.” The boy decided.
“Mom just wanted you to know that the supper is ready.”
“Okay, thank you, tell her that we’ll come to eat as soon as we have finished washing.”
“Okay.” The boy said and ran off.
Olavi took a deep breath before returning into the sauna.
“Do you think that he’ll tell?” Alexander asked
“I certainly hope not. I’m sure he won’t” Olavi said and hoped that he would be right, he knew that they would both be in big trouble if the truth came out.
The supper was a quiet affair, even Elias ate quietly. Occasionally someone tried to start up a conversation, mostly it was Emma, who in the end gave up on trying and lost herself into her own thoughts.
10.00 pm Olavi told them that he would already be going to bed, glancing quickly at Alexander who looked back at him quickly, nodding his head so that no one wouldn’t notice. Aino went to her room a little later after her brother. Leaving Alexander alone with Emma.
It had begun to rain, they lighted up some candles. Alexander tried to read a book that he had taken with him from home, a book that he had read almost a thousand times already; it somehow reminded him of Elias. He sometimes feared that he would forget and he didn’t want to forget. He felt guilty of the new feelings he had for the other boy, somehow fearing that Elias might think that he loved him less now because of it, partly knowing how stupid it was. Elias was dead, Olavi was alive and he should concentrate on the living, not to the dead. But it was easier said than done.
”I found some pictures.” The woman said as Alexander was ready to go to bed. He looked at her; sitting in the living room, close to the window, darkness outside, rain falling down on the roof. There was sadness in her eyes, in her voice, loneliness in her being.
“Pictures?” He asked, stepping closer.
“Yes.” She smiled slightly, without joy. “Please, sit down, I could use some company.” She asked gesturing to the seat next to her. Alexander looked at the time; 11.00pm. In all truth he wanted nothing more than to go to his room, crawl into his bed and wait for Olavi to come and sleep next to him. But he could hear in her voice how much she needed someone to listen, so he stayed.
“I know that he is dead, I know I should mourn for the death of my husband more than the death of him. A love of two children, such an innocent love, purer than anything I’ve ever had.” Emma spoke holding pictures and finally giving one to him.
“Elias and I, at the age of 6.” She said quietly, almost whispering. And Alexander looked at the picture in his hand. A black and white picture of a blond boy and a girl sitting on a blanket in a garden, both of them were smiling. The woman handed him another picture, he didn’t need her to tell who the boy was in it; Elias, at the age of ten, with his parents it seemed, a handsome man and a beautiful pregnant woman holding a baby in her arms, small smile gracing her lips as she held the hand of her eldest and hold the young girl on her lap and the baby boy in her stomach, her husband’s arm on her shoulders. Elias was smiling brightly, his father had a serious look.
A rush of emotions washed through him as Alexander watched the face he had longed to see for so many years. The boy in the picture was young, the horrors of the future still unknown to him, the future must have seemed carefree and it showed on his face and it showed on the face of his mother. A young woman, with everything that she had ever dreamed of; a beautiful, happy family, secured future, or so she must have thought at the time.
It was hard to keep himself neutral, it was hard to comfort the woman, mourning a lost love, a life that he missed just as much as she did. And he wanted to tell her, he wanted to get it from his chest, for it weighted on his heart every single day. But everything had turned so complicated; he hadn’t expected to fall in love with the brother, he hadn’t expected to find the peace that he had searched for in this place. And at the same time, he was torn more with each passing day; he knew that eventually he would have to tell them and he knew it would be hard, he knew that the information would both confuse and hurt Olavi. He knew he had messed everything up big time; the story of his life.
After comforting Emma, the woman was ready to go to bed and he was left alone, with the tormenting memories and the photographs of his first love. He felt enormous pain and guilt inside, Elias had stopped visiting his dreams, and he had been a constant visitor in them for so many years. “You must hate me now.” He whispered to the darkness and then looked at the picture in his hand. “I was right about your smile….” He whispered then, caressing the picture with his thumb. “I’ll never stop loving you, I hope you know that.”
It was past midnight when Alexander finally laid down on his bed. The door opened softly, the sound of Olavi’s bare feet on the wooden floor. The boy climbed onto the bed with him and snuggled close to his chest.
“I’m sleepy.” He yawned, “but I couldn’t fall a sleep without you.” He said then. Alexander kissed his forehead and held him.
“I’m sorry that I’m so tired, I would really want to…” Olavi muttered, but Alexander shushed him.
“Just sleep, it’s alright. We have time later, I can wait.”
The boy fell asleep fast and Alexander couldn’t help but smile when looking at him. “I do love you Olavi.” He whispered, knowing that the boy was fast a sleep by then.
That night, in his sleep, Alexander returned into the old school building, the dark room with the stove and the old mattress on the floor. He looked around, finally seeing Elias standing in front of the window, more light filling the room, a gentle smile on his lips.
“Elias.” He spoke his name and the green eyed boy only smiled.
“I’m sorry.” Alexander said. The boy still smiled, but didn’t say anything for a long time.
“Good bye Sascha, it’s time.” Elias whispered, coming closer, almost touching, but only almost. “Keep him save.” Was the last thing that Alexander heard before he woke.
He snuggled closer to Olavi, never wanting to let go, fearing to lose him like he had lost Elias.
He wasn’t able to concentrate, trying to paint the lake before him, but ending up sketching the familiar face that he had grown to love. It would not do, he sighed; Alexander was constantly on his mind, every minute of every hour. He thought of the dead lover of his, feeling jealous of this boy that he didn’t even know, a boy that had died years ago. But whoever this boy had been, held the heart of the man he loved.
Who had he been? What had his name been? Olavi would have liked to know. At first when the man had told about him, he hadn’t been interested in knowing these things, thinking that it would be better if he didn’t, and now? Now he yearned to know more. He closed his eyes, trying to will himself to stop thinking about it, but what ever he did, he just couldn’t. He didn’t know if the man loved him or not, maybe… Maybe Alexander just couldn’t love him? He cursed himself for feeling so strongly, for falling in love, he should have known better. Why did it hurt so much? He would lose Alexander, the summer would end and the man would leave him. He couldn’t help a few tears that fell down, gritting his teeth he made up his mind not to cry for it, but it was easier said than done.
At times like this he really missed his mother, real mother. The warm hold of her, soothing words, the love that only a mother could give. That was how he had always pictured her; gentle, warm and loving.
He distantly remembered the boat trip to Sweden, holding on to his sister, scared and confused about what was happening and where they were going, where his mother and brother were. He had cried almost the whole trip there.
First weeks and months he had never parted his sister’s side, the only one familiar to him. They had refused to sleep separately, Aino had always held his hand where ever they had went.
He remembered all those different people talking in a language that they couldn’t understand at first, and sometimes they had screamed, yelled at them. Anton had often hit him on his head with his toys, telling him to not touch them. And then there had been Emma, her mother, his stepmother. Speaking the language that they knew. And slowly he and his sister had begun to trust these people, slowly they started to feel comfortable enough to leave each other’s company for small moments.
But many times, when they felt so out of place, felt like their new family couldn’t love them enough, when their stepparents were displeased with them, Aino told him that their brother would find them, that he’d come to take them back home, but he never had. When his stepmother had acted coldly towards them, treating them a bit differently than her own, Olavi also began to dream of his own mother, that she would come back somehow, that she’d take them home, but she never did, either.
He decided to give up the painting for now and walked back to the house. On his way there he encountered Hanna and her friends. The girls blushed and greeted him with a giggle. Hanna whispered something to them and then approached him.
“Where were you?” She asked, walking by his side.
“I was at the lake, painting.” He told her.
“Oh, wait,” she stopped him and Olavi looked at her with confusion. “You have a little bit of paint there.” She said touching his neck and starting to wipe it off.
“Oh well, it happens often, so it’s okay,” he said and she took her hand away, smiling, blushing.
“You haven’t called on me for some time.” Hanna said then. He hesitated.
“I’ve been occupied and I-,”
“Oh I understand. Take me to the next dance on Saturday and I’ll forgive you.” She grinned and quickly kissed his cheek.
“Hanna I-,” He started but she was already running off.
“I’ll talk with you later then!” She yelled after.
Sighing deeply he continued his walk. Why didn’t that damned girl get it through her head that he did not care for her? He thought to himself. A part of him wished, well a big part of him wished that he could feel for her that way, it would make his life so much easier. But his whole being, his heart couldn’t stand the thought, it disgusted him to even think about touching her in that way.
When he had dropped all of his painting stuff into his room and sat there thinking about things, he decided to go to the man, just to see him, talk to him, perhaps. For some reason, he felt slightly depressed, scared of the future, perhaps, and he needed to see him, needed to see that he cared.
He could hear the laughter from afar. The other men were having a coffee break near the house, they were joking, making fun of Russians, of the Soviet Union telling jokes with loud voice, loud enough for Alexander to hear them.
Olavi stopped to his tracks to look at them and then at Alexander who simply continued working, trying his best to ignore the rude comments coming from the others, but Olavi could see that it bothered him.
“Shouldn’t you be getting back to work?” Olavi asked while passing them, unable to keep his mouth shut. “And honestly, one could think that grown men have better things to talk about besides these childish insults and jokes. It seems to me that the one you keep insulting works a hell of a lot harder than the bunch of you.” He looked at the men coldly, getting crumby looks back.
“Oh just mind your own business boy, what do you know of anything? And we do have the right to take coffee breaks.” One of he men spat while getting up.
“Indeed you do, but how long have you sat there already? And as the owner of this house, I will not tolerate any insults here. You are adults, do try to act accordingly.” He said and turned his back on them.
“Insolent brat… Russian lover.” He heard the muttered comments thrown at him. He decided to just ignore them, he said what he wanted to say.
Alexander had disappeared from view, so Olavi went to seek for him, finding him on the other side of the house.
“I am sorry for them, I’m sorry that you have to stand for those jerks.” Olavi said leaning against the wall and looking at him. Alexander glanced at him, smiled.
“I’ve been through worse, trust me, nothing that I couldn’t take.” He said and walked closer. “But I was very proud of you just now, for standing up to me the way you did, you just keep surprising me, don’t you? Talking so maturely.” He smiled, looking around and then planting a kiss on the boys lips.
“I know what it’s like, being insulted for being different, being insulted because of your nationality. It’s so silly, but people do odd things, think in odd ways. It doesn’t mean that it wouldn’t hurt.” Olavi whispered back, touching his hand and then his cheek.
“Come with me.” Olavi whispered still holding his hand.
“Come with you to where?” Alexander asked with puzzled expression.
“Just come.” He smiled, leading him towards the near forest, first looking around to make sure that no one would see them leave. Alexander followed, not letting go of Olavi’s hand, walking deeper into the forest with him, wondering with curiosity what the boy was up to.
They walked quite far until they reached a small stream. Olavi sat down on the ground looking up to him and smiling.
“Isn’t it beautiful?” He asked and leaned to touch the water with his hand, the sun shone through the trees and the boy’s hair glimmered with it, golden, angelic…
“Aye, beautiful.” Alexander breathed out looking at him.
Blue eyes looked up to him again, smiling, the boy offered his hand towards him. “Won’t you sit down with me?”
Alexander knelt slowly beside him, looking at the surroundings more carefully; it truly was a beautiful, breathtaking place. Olavi moved closer to him, leaned towards him and kissed him gently.
“There’s no one here but us.” He whispered close to his ear and this time it was Alexander who grasped him, lifting the boy up on his lap and kissed him more deeply.
Olavi started opening the buttons of the man’s shirt as they continued kissing. Alexander looked at him, grinning.
“You’ve changed, not so insecure anymore, are you?” He said then. Olavi blushed slightly but then locked his eyes with his.
“No, you’ve seen me already, you’ve been inside of me, why should I feel insecure anymore?” He asked then. “Perhaps I am trying my best to seduce you, to… well perhaps I shouldn’t reveal all of my plans to you as of yet.” He grinned then and kissed Alexander neck, slowly undressing his shirt.
“Seduce me? But you’ve already done it. What is your plan I wonder?” Alexander asked with lust filled voice as he undressed the boy’s shirt. He laid Olavi down on the soft grass, kneeling over him starting to open his pants. “I should be working…” He whispered and kissed Olavi’s lips. “But just one taste of your sweet lips and I’ve forgotten all reason…This is getting dangerous.” He continued. Olavi brought his head up and kissed him with hunger.
“Oh god how much I want you.”
They got rid of their remaining clothes, both trying to slow themselves down, but it felt hard to slow down when both of them wanted it so bad. Hungry kisses, touches, feeling of each others bodies, wanting to feel and touch every spot possible.
Olavi moaned when feeling Alexanders first finger going inside of him, then the second. He bit his lip from the pain that he felt. He didn’t care though, even if there was some pain he wanted to feel the man inside again. He found it strange how fast things could change, such a short time ago he hadn’t even known of this, of how good it could feel.
“Inside, I want you inside.” Olavi whispered then. Alexander didn’t have to be told twice. He positioned himself and slowly thrust in. Olavi threw his head back, squeezing his eyes shut and moaning from the pain that he first felt. Once completely in, Alexander started kissing him, waiting. It was hard to wait, but he didn’t want to hurt him more than he had.
Slowly he started moving, both so lost in the moment that they didn’t even remember to worry about the possibility of getting caught. Sweat glimmering on their bodies, soft moans, whispers and continuing kisses.
After their love making, they laid there together on the soft grass, Olavi’s head resting on Alexander’s chest. Feeling peaceful, happy for that one small moment, Alexander gazed at the sky above them.
“Let’s not go back Alex, let’s stay here, never leave this forest. Hide from the rest of the world.” Olavi whispered. Alexander kissed the crown of his head.
“I wish we could.” He whispered back. “But even if it was possible, could you really leave your sister?” He asked. Olavi was quiet for a small moment.
“No, I could never leave her.” He said then. “Aino means the world to me, she’s the only one, who’s always been there, she’s my life and I am hers. One can not live without the other, and we’ve never been apart for more than a couple of days. So how could I leave her?” He asked. There was a moment of silence. Olavi got up, kneeling on the stream side and splashing some water on his face. They were both still naked. Alexander got up as well, wrapping his arms around the boy and kissing his shoulder, a hand was gently placed on his.
“Why can’t life be easy? Why can’t I just love you and tell the world that I do?” Olavi asked then with a whisper. Closing his eyes, Alexander sighed, breathing in the scent of his hair.
“I’ve been wondering the same thing…I hate the idea of losing you. You’ve brought me to life, and what is going to happen if you walk away from it?”
“You care for me?”
“More than you know.” He told him. ‘And I must tell you something, I’ve waited too long with this already.’ he thought to say, but the words refused to come out.
“I love you.” Olavi whispered and kissed him.
“And I you.”
“You do?” Olavi’s eyes brightened, he smiled when looking at him, waiting for the answer.
“Aye. As in yes. How could I not?” They kissed once more.
Aino watched her brother with curiosity when he came back. Olavi was smiling to himself, seeming to be lost in his own thoughts. Her brother seemed to be doing a lot of that lately and Aino was dying to know what was going on. It seemed that for once she could not get a straight answer from him, so she would have to keep an even better eye of his doings.
When they were eating dinner that night, she caught few stolen glances that Olavi and the Russian seemed to give to one another, the secret smiles on both of their faces… Something was most definitely going on, making her worry for Olavi to grow. She would not let it rest before she would find out the truth, she would not lose another family member because of some Russian. The man was hiding something, she knew that much at least, perhaps it was time to get some answers?
Web published: My Secret Shore