6.Foolish games

– Joni’s boyfriend-

The whole Sunday Joni was mostly hiding in his room, trying to deal with his conflicting emotions. It seemed that he couldn’t get a hold of himself, he was fighting back tears, it seemed hard to breathe, and… he hated feeling so weak. He wasn’t going to allow himself to cry, he wasn’t allowing that weakness or what he considered as such.

Why should he even cry? For Misha? For that bastard? – No, he was not worth it.

In his mind, he constantly went through every bit of what he could remember from the night before, how it had felt and… It had felt good in the end, but it had hurt at first and even now he still felt slight discomfort down there… Most of all what bothered him the most was how Misha behaved that morning… Okay so he didn’t behave that nice either and one could say that he had started it, but in his mind, he had the right to feel upset, he was after all younger and… Misha had taken advantage of the situation, hadn’t he? On the other hand, he hadn’t stopped the situation from progressing, when he understood where it was heading.

Monday didn’t find Joni in any better mood. The stupid love bites of course were still so very visible on his neck and though he wasn’t in pain anymore, his body still felt exactly what had happened.

The breakfast was an awkward affair that morning. His father was tense, glaring at the marks on his neck that Joni had no idea of how to hide, he had tried some toothpaste before going to bed, being advised to do so by one of his friends, and well… obviously it hadn’t helped a shit.

And his little brothers… they were snickering… whispering… obviously, it was about the said marks that threatened Joni’s peace of mind.

”I want you to come home straight after school, Joni.” His father finally spoke. Joni took a deep breath.

”Why?” He asked, not that he had had any plans to go anywhere anyway, but…He didn’t like to be told either.

”Considering what you did this weekend, you will not go out unless it’s school, or gym, or some other healthy activity for this whole week.” This made Joni growl in annoyance.

”You can’t do that!” He protested. ”I’m-”

”Yes, I know, you’re seventeen and I can because I am your father.”

”What did Joni do? Daddy?” One of his brothers wanted to know.

”He did something he shouldn’t have. Something bad for him,” Asko explained calmly.

”Oh come on! Dad! Uuuh, you’re so fucking annoying!”

”Watch your language,” he was simply warned.

Joni stared down at his juice, trying to calm down, the yelling and bitching didn’t work, ok, he had seen this… then… what would?

”But-” He started.

”Not another word,” his father said sternly and Joni didn’t remember the last time that he had been as tense as he was now. He saw it best to stay quiet, he would think of something later, something to change his mind with.

He was cursing silently as he was getting ready for school. He wanted to turn eighteen and fast because being seventeen sucked.

He stood in front of the mirror fixing his hair, groaning when looking at the marks. He wanted them gone! They were…ugly… and… reminded him of… Misha… And then Dima would be sure to ask questions that he wouldn’t know how to answer and…

There was a soft knock on the door before it opened, it was Katja. Joni glared at her in the mirror.

”I thought you might like some help…” she said, stepping further in. ”…with those bruises, I mean.” She continued before he could say anything and that’s when he saw the makeup bag in her hands.

”Just a little foundation, cover-up, won’t hurt you.” She explained.

It wasn’t as if Joni had never had any makeup on his skin, but it was only when doing work as a model. He looked at his stepmother and nodded. She smiled gently at him.

”Please, sit down,” silently Joni did and allowed her to start working.

”Makeup can do wonders at times,” Katja grinned at him, ”I learned it well at your age.” She continued when patting his skin with the foundation.

Joni looked at her, she confused him. He wasn’t sure why she was so nice to him now, why she had brought him food on Sunday to his room, even though he had been quite harsh to her earlier.

Their relationship had been tense from early on, in some ways perhaps he had seen her as a threat. He was only five when his mother had died and he remembered being scared when she had been sick, he remembered crying after her and it had been traumatizing on some levels like it had been to his father, but they had survived together, and then five years later she had come along and unlike the other women, she stubbornly stayed.

”All right, take a look,” Katja said and smiled at him. Joni walked in front of the mirror, surprised when he didn’t see the marks anymore.

”Wow, you’re good!”

”Thank you,” Katja smiled more brightly, surprised to get such a compliment from him.

Joni turned around,

”Thank you, Katja,” he told her and reached for his school bag. ”I must be off, bye!”

Maybe something could still be fixed? She thought to herself as she watched him go.


At school Joni was still bothered by what his father had told him, he didn’t want to be grounded for a whole week, it would be… boring.

In math class, he found it hard to concentrate. The classroom was silent, everyone working quietly, and he just held his pen over his notebook, once again thinking about Saturday night.

”The teacher is looking at you,” someone whispered and woke him from his thoughts. Joni glanced at his side and found himself looking at Kasper’s smiling face, ”do you need help?” the boy asked, leaning closer looking at what he had so far. ”Ah yes, there’s your problem…” Kasper tapped his pen on the numbers.

Joni merely blinked, Kasper looked at him and smiled.

”It’s all right, everyone could have made the same mistake, let me explain how this goes…” and then the boy started to blabber on about the numbers, x, and y, and what not… Joni took a closer look at the other boy, he had soft brown hair, hazel eyes that had some dark eyeliner, a piercing on his eyebrow, and a tattoo on his wrist. He wore a black band t-shirt and… He wasn’t bad looking, not at all, just… Joni didn’t quite get him, he wasn’t sure what to make of him if he was a bird or a fish sort of speak.

Kasper seemed to be a bright student, and the first that Joni had noticed in him was the eyeliner and… that perhaps had been one thing to turn him off and now he realized that he had never really looked at him closely, he wasn’t that skinny and pale, in fact… maybe it was his clothes? Joni glanced down; at black jeans, with some metal chains on them, and then again, his face was so soft looking and… Joni looked at the boy’s somehow delicate hands…

”So, do you see now?” Kasper looked at him again, there was a hint of green in his eyes, and he was grinning.

”Huh?” Joni hadn’t been paying attention to what he had said.

”Are you in a band or something?” Joni asked instead.

”Yeah, I’m in a band…or something,” Kasper smirked, ”I play the guitar.”

”And let me guess, Ville Valo is your idol?” Joni asked cocking his eyebrow.

”HIM is one of my favorite bands, but not the best that there is,” Kasper answered calmly, looking at him with curiosity. The truth to be told, he was kind of surprised that Joni was talking to him.

”And what is the best?”

”Hm… I don’t know if I can name one band above the other because I have many that I love to listen to. There are many great bands from Germany, I like metal, dark and… well, harsh music, I guess you could say.” He grinned.

Joni nodded. ”What are you doing after school?” He asked then,

”Me?” Again, Kasper asked surprised.


”Well… I don’t have plans…” he answered hesitantly.

”Would you like to come over to our house then?” Joni asked.

”S-sure, yeah” Kasper nodded his head.

”Good, meet you at four then, by the front entrance.” Joni smiled and concentrated back on his schoolwork. If his dad would believe that Kasper was his boyfriend, thus the guy he had been with on Saturday, then maybe the so-called ’house arrest’ would be canceled? He smiled at his perfect plan, paying no attention to the dreamy looks that Kasper gave in his direction.

”My family most likely thinks that you’re my boyfriend, but you don’t mind, right?” Joni asked before opening the front door to his house.

”Um, no, I don’t mind,” Kasper smiled, a bit too excitedly perhaps.

Joni could see his father’s surprise when he walked into the hall to find him there with Kasper.

”You didn’t say that I couldn’t bring anyone home with me,” Joni smiled innocently while taking off his jacket. Asko drifted his gaze to Joni’s friend.

”Hi, Mr. Lehto, I’m Kasper, nice to meet you,” the boy offered his hand to him and with surprise he took it.

”Hello, nice to meet you too?” He didn’t sound so sure, he looked at the boy’s face and then his clothing. ”You’re… Joni’s boyfriend?” He asked hesitantly.

”Yes, he is. Now we’re going to my room to do our homework.” Joni smiled, taking Kasper’s hand and leading him upstairs.

”Supper’s ready in half an hour!” Asko shouted after them, not quite sure if he liked this turn of events or not, on the other hand, he should be pleased that Joni had a boyfriend and not… But the boy… he somehow didn’t strike him as someone that his son would date and… hadn’t Joni been quite upset just yesterday? ”And leave the door open!” He added, already sure that he would be ignored.

Joni closed the door after they were in, left his school bag on the floor, and threw himself on his bed, he yawned.

”Gods I’m so tired…”

Kasper, who still stood near the door, looked at him from across the room. Joni had closed his eyes and his hand rested on his forehead, while the other lay against his stomach. He could hear Kasper approaching the bed slowly.

”Um, I got the feeling that your dad didn’t like me much…” He started, Joni cracked his eyes open and grinned at him. He moved his legs to give Kasper some room to sit down.

”That’s because he thinks that you fucked me on Saturday,” he explained, smirking still, looking closely to see Kasper’s reaction.

”O-oh?” Kasper sat down, his expression revealing his surprise. ”W-why?”

”Because… I was… by someone.” Kasper tilted his head, looking at him closely.

”By whom?” He asked then with curiosity in his tone.

”It’s not important,” Joni replied, looking him in his eyes in a playful way.

”Is he not?” Kasper asked and slowly brought his hand on Joni’s thigh. ”Did you know him from before?” He asked.

”Maybe… but… I don’t care to know him in the future,” Joni took Kasper’s hand that was resting on his thigh and pulled him closer, to lie on top of him. ”Why do you use liner in your eyes?” He asked.

”Do you not like me wearing it?” Kasper asked, raising his eyebrow. Joni rolled them over so that he was on top, then he looked at the others’ faces.

”No,” he told him honestly, ”I don’t like it when guys use makeup.”

”But… don’t you use it too, you’re a model right?” Kasper grinned under him.

”Yes, but it’s work and it’s different, I wouldn’t use it in everyday life. Besides,” Joni smiled, ”you have pretty eyes, and I think they’d be prettier without it.”

”You think so?”

”Yes… definitely.” Joni nodded, looking at Kasper’s lips, Misha’s lips were fuller, more kissable, and… NO! He was not thinking of Misha! Joni closed the distance and kissed the boy beneath him. He closed his eyes, felt him responding, felt as Kasper’s hands were roaming all over his body. He made odd kissing sounds, the kiss was wet, oddly wet and his tongue… it felt sloppy and somehow cold, and he tasted like mints… Joni had to stop, yet he forced himself to smile. He wanted to say that he tasted sweet, or that the kiss made him hot, but… it was just too much for him to lie.

Kasper brought his hand in his hair, smiling dreamily. Making Joni aware that the dissatisfaction might have been quite one-sided, and it was somewhat an awkward feeling.

”You taste good…” Kasper whispered, confirming his earlier thought. He wanted to feel something for Kasper, anything, even lust! But he didn’t, the kiss simply left him cold… He didn’t understand it; there he was, laying on top of a cute enough guy who obviously wanted him and he should feel even the least bit of excitement, but he didn’t, and it bothered him. 

”Is this your natural hair color?” Kasper continued, still playing with his hair.

”Yes, it is.” Joni smiled and kissed Kasper’s lips but briefly.

”Are you… completely Finnish or…?” Joni raised his eyebrow. ”I just thought, your hair is so beautiful dark brown, I haven’t seen such a beautiful natural color before, and your eyes- gorgeous golden-brown… One could get lost in them…”  

Joni smiled a little awkwardly, he had heard such compliments often before, but now they just… This situation…Their feelings for each other were so different. But Kasper’s words and affection nourished the part of him Misha had wounded, and he wanted to believe his feelings for Kasper could shift. Perhaps he needed just more time?

”Well, I’ll tell you a secret…” Joni finally smiled, ”my grandad was a gypsy, his family came originally from Hungary, or who knows where before that… Anyway, who is completely something?”

Kasper reached out to kiss him again, more hungrily this time.

”Mmmm….this just makes you sexier…” he murmured somewhere between the wet and sloppy kisses, that Joni still tried his best to enjoy.

Then there was a knock on the door. Joni almost jumped off Kasper. The door opened and his father peaked in, clearing his throat when seeing the other boy on the bed and his son standing next to it.

”Yes, dad?”

”Supper’s ready…”


”So, Kasper? You’re the same age as Joni?” His dad questioned when the whole family was seated down.

”Well, actually I’m already eighteen and turning nineteen in January. I spent my first year in Miami, as an exchange student, so that’s why I’m still in my second year.” Joni looked at Kasper with surprise, why didn’t he know this? Kasper was older than him? – That was just unfair.

”And what do your parents do for a living?”

”My mother is a doctor, and my father is a lawyer.” This also came as a surprise to Joni, he really didn’t know anything about him.

”A doctor and a lawyer, I see” Joni gave an amused look to his father who seemed impressed, he was smiling now. ”And have you already decided what you want to do with your life?”

”Well, probably, as soon as I get over the fact that most critics think that the band, I’m in and the music that we play, is crap,” Kasper chuckled, ”I go to law school, to become a lawyer like my father.”

”Maybe you can help my son with deciding what he wants, this modeling isn’t by any means a long-term career.” Asko gave him a look and Joni glared at him in return, putting his fork down. Great, now his father was like Kasper’s new best friend.

”I’m only seventeen, and I don’t see what’s so bad in modeling.” He groaned, ”I don’t have to know yet what I want to be.”

”I think Joni has a great chance to succeed,” Kasper spoke out, smiling at him, ”if he so wants, but for great success, sadly, I think he’d have to go to some bigger country and city and… I for one would be sad to see him go.”

Joni felt a bit uncomfortable, here he was having dinner with his family and a boy who was pretending to be his boyfriend, a boy whom he didn’t even know, but who seemed to… have some feelings for him already and… He slowly continued to eat.

”Leaving is not an option,” his father nodded and then looked at him. ”In the long term it wouldn’t make you happy, Joni, so you should think of something more suitable, more sensible. Posing in front of the camera isn’t what I call sensible. I know you have the brains for more than that if only you would concentrate more on your studies.”

”Thank you, father,” Joni replied, a bit tightly. ”I rather not discuss this now.” Under the table, Kasper’s hand found its way to rest on his thigh and all that it did was make him feel even edgier.

Perhaps this hadn’t been such a great idea as he had at first thought?


Misha’s week had not been the best one in his life, though the hangover had passed fast, the moral hangover was far more complicated to pass. Surprisingly Ivo, whom he would have suspected to torture him with the brat talk, kept quiet. He had not mentioned Joni even with one word and it was weird.

Monday, at the uni, he talked with Mikael again and they decided to go to the club that night. Unnervingly enough, when dancing and kissing with Mikael, he just didn’t feel the same. It was almost as if… his body was dead, not interested. And Misha didn’t understand it, Mikael still had the same great ass, same talented mouth, but… something was off.

They parted quite early, and Misha didn’t even mention anything about another meeting, although he could see that Mikael had been expecting it and it made him feel guilty. But it would be the most stupid thing, trying to date when… not feeling the heat that he had felt previously.

When he returned home and lay in his bed, the darkness of the room surrounding him, trying to fall asleep and not replay the Saturday night over and over in his head, the answer to what was wrong came to him. 

He had tried to date Mikael to forget about Joni. As if he mattered! It didn’t matter, it was just sex, just one night of sex and… Misha remembered why he hated one-night stands with such passion, they sucked, they left a bitter taste and messed up his well-ordered life! And what was he doing? Trying to get over the brat? There was NOTHING to get over, nothing. With that conclusion he turned around, slowly drifting to sleep, to dreams where he again met with a certain brunet.

A week passed and there were no signs of the brat, and no one seemed to talk of him, not even Dima. Misha felt glad and yet… why couldn’t he get over the fact that no one was mentioning him?

Wednesday afternoon, in a peacefully quiet house Misha began to prepare dinner. He couldn’t enjoy the silence for long since in the middle of his cooking Dima came home bringing friends, his girlfriend, and… who else but the freaking brat! With… surprise, surprise a friend of his own.

Dima walked into the kitchen first, his girlfriend following soon after. Joni stood at the doorway, with his ’friend’ giving him only a glance before excusing himself in the living room, the other kid with him, following like a loyal puppy.

”I wanted you to meet Eva,” Dima smiled, his arm going around the short, pretty, brown-haired girl next to him.

”Nice to meet you, Eva,” Misha forced himself to smile. He felt… nervous… perhaps it was because he knew that most probably Dima had slept with her on the same night that he had… Well, he was not going there again! He was not going to think about him!

”Nice to meet you too, Dima’s been telling me so much about you,” Eva smiled, almost blushing. Perhaps she was more nervous than him.

”Are you going to go out?” He asked, not trying to hide that he was hopeful that they were.

”No, we’re going to watch one film, would you like to join?” Dima asked.

”I’ve got plenty of work,” Misha replied hurriedly, there was no way he’d join their company, not with the brat and his current boyfriend! Even if he would be rotting with boredom in his room, he was not going to join them, Joni would only think that he wanted to be with him or some other nonsense like that! ”I’ll just finish making the dinner and off I go to work!”

Ivo got home from work, he walked towards the kitchen and in the living room, he saw Joni with some other kid that sat right next to him, his hand on Joni’s thigh, looking at him like some lovesick puppy while Joni looked nothing but bored.

”Hello Joni,” Ivo greeted him and as soon as Joni was aware of his presence, his expression changed, and he smiled.


”And who’s your friend here?”

”I’m Kasper, Joni’s boyfriend,” the other replied with a certain amount of pride in his voice.

”I see, well, nice to meet you as well.” Ivo gave the couple a smile before continuing his way into the kitchen where he was introduced to Dima’s girlfriend.

After the introduction, they left the room to join the other teens and he was left alone with Misha.

”So, Joni has a boyfriend now.” Ivo started looking at Misha closely, as if searching for signs that it bothered him.

Misha shrugged and gritted his teeth, hoping Ivo wouldn’t notice the latter.

”I saw him too,” he replied as flatly as he could. ”What’s the big deal?”

”Well, kind of surprising I think… Didn’t seem like his type at all.”

”It’s his decision whom he wants to date,” Misha turned around, searching for the spices, a good choice of spices was what made a good dinner.

It was better than Joni hooked up with someone his age, he thought to himself. He was stupid enough to go after someone older and the chances of him getting into trouble would be much higher… Then he almost snarled at himself, why the hell would he care whom Joni would hook up with?

”Indeed, it is his decision, but mark my words, this won’t last,” Ivo smiled, making Misha roll his eyes. As if he should care would it last or not, because he didn’t. ”Is dinner ready soon? I’m getting really hungry.”

”Dinner’s ready in thirty minutes, go and … keep an eye on the kids,” Misha told him, for a moment feeling ridiculously like a mother hen and he almost burst with laughter.

”All right, thirty minutes, keeping an eye on the kids,” Ivo said as he left the room.


When the call to come and join for supper came, Joni felt relieved, Kasper was just too… eager, and he didn’t feel comfortable with it, or perhaps he just didn’t feel that way for Kasper and that was the problem? He wondered, but like before he didn’t venture any further with this thought.

At the dinner table, he was seated right opposite Misha, and Kasper who sat next to him continued touching under the table as if the others couldn’t notice…

”My parents aren’t home, you could come over after we leave here,” Kasper whispered, while his hand traveled upon his thigh, squeezing him and making it clear what he was suggesting. At the exact same moment, Joni met with Misha’s eyes.

”Yes, I’d like it very much,” Joni smiled at the other boy.

”I can’t wait to be alone with you, honey,” Kasper whispered in a low voice and smiled as he looked at him. Joni responded with a smile, more forcefully than he would have liked. He was a little annoyed by the way Kasper looked at him, yet, at the same time… Perhaps Misha would get jealous and realize what a jerk he had been to him.

”Neither can I, baby.” He answered and looked up at Misha.

Misha rolled his eyes and took a sip of his drink, a frown formed on his face that moment their eyes met. But the blond was the first to divert his gaze back to his food. Joni could see him gritting his teeth as if annoyed and it brought him some satisfaction.

”So, you’re Joni’s new boyfriend?” The blond suddenly asked looking at Kasper. Joni felt himself tensing up at Misha’s question, he glanced at Kasper who smiled at Misha.

”Yes, I am, but it’s only been a week that we’ve been together.”

”We’ve dated for a week, not…” Joni found himself correcting, already regretting having opened his mouth.

Misha looked at Ivo briefly then away from him, back at Kasper.

”Oh … you must be really … hmm, in love? To be able to stand him for so long,” he added cruelly.

“Misha!” Ivo was the first to breathe out looking at his brother in disbelief, while Joni narrowed his eyes at him. He couldn’t believe that asshole!

Why was Misha so cruel to him? He could feel himself trembling from the sudden rush of anger and…hurt. And the moment their eyes met Misha had the decency to look a tiny bit embarrassed and was about to open his mouth to either soften the insult or throw more at them and Joni wasn’t going to let him do either.

“Listen Mr. Perfect”, Joni started keeping his angry glare at the blond, “just because you- “his voice was revealing his hurt and he honestly didn’t come up with any good comeback. Suddenly he felt Kasper’s comforting hand on his arm, and it made him stop and look at him, the other boy smiled at him, before looking back at Misha.

”Well, I do like Joni very much in fact and I’m glad for every minute I get to spend with him.” He told him calmly.

Joni looked at Kasper, surprised. He felt strange gratitude towards the other boy, who had been nothing but nice to him even though he himself had been quite difficult. Kasper hadn’t even used the eyeliner anymore, and… he was even dressing more smartly and…

”I’m glad too,” he told him, finding himself relaxing a bit, in all honesty, he had been thinking of giving some excuse to Kasper later and not going with him, but now… He was grateful to him and wanted, even more, to be able to feel for him the way Kasper felt for him. Surely it was better to persuade affection of such kind person rather than the desperate attempt to melt the heart of that blond, idiotic icicle of a man.

Misha smiled, though his smile appeared anything but sincere.

”Oh, so everybody’s happy.” He retorted and focused back on his dinner, ignoring the disapproving gaze of both of his brothers.


Kasper let him inside the house, smiling at him.

”You’ve been awfully quiet,” he commented as he took off his jacket and shoes in the hall. Joni followed his example and smiled at him back.

”Sorry, I guess I’m feeling a bit tired.” He lied he had just been lost in his thoughts, thinking how much he hated Misha right then. First, he had taken his virginity and now he was insulting him in front of everyone!

”Would you like something to drink?” Kasper asked, ”Coke?”

”Sure, thanks,” he followed the other boy into the kitchen.

”You have a nice house, quite big.” He told him.

”Yeah, can’t complain,” Kasper grinned, taking the coke from the fridge and pouring some into two glasses, then giving the other to him. ”So, let’s go to my room?”

Joni nodded and followed Kasper through the house, down the stairs to a large dark room. Kasper turned on the lights but left the room dim.

”Cool, own fireplace too,” Joni noted, looking around, seeing various band posters most heavy metal bands, and of course the electronic guitar that stood in the corner.

”Any wishes on what music?” Kasper asked, standing near the stereo.

”Whatever, as long as it’s not Russian…” Joni said without thinking, it made Kasper chuckle.

”All right, anything against German then?”

”Nothing whatsoever, I guess…” Joni was still busy looking around.

”You can sit down,” Kasper said, ”the…um… bed,” he pointed. Joni turned, grinned at him, and then walked over to the bed and sat down.

”Large bed,” He smirked at the boy who started walking closer.

”Yeah, I like it large… more room to… do stuff.” Kasper grinned, undressing his shirt.

”Hm… interesting… I somehow always thought of you as this quiet and ’innocent’ type.” Joni said tilting his head.

”Looks can deceive.” Kasper grinned again, throwing his t-shirt on the floor. Joni looked at the other boy, feeling a little insecure. He knew in which direction the situation would be heading and was not entirely sure if he should let it go so far. 

On the other hand, he couldn’t deny that he was curious. Kasper looked better without his shirt than he had imagined, he looked like he did do some exercising as well. Joni had imagined he would be scrawnier. They were equally tall and perhaps more equal in strength than what he was with Misha for example.

Maybe it would be possible to erase Misha’s memory from his mind, maybe it would be possible to fall in love with Kasper if it only needed time? Maybe having sex would take away the memory of the night with Misha? Kasper was eyeing with a challenge, waiting for his reaction.

Joni briefly wondered how many sex partners Kasper had had, they hadn’t talked about it and he had just assumed that the other might be a virgin still, but now… With this sudden boldness Kasper seemed to have, Joni wasn’t so certain it was the case.

 Joni decided to meet the challenge and undressed his shirts slowly, Kasper stood only two meters from him, silently watching the show he put up for him. Silently opened his pants where Joni could see the bulge revealing his eagerness to proceed further.

 His chest naked, Joni brought his hands down and unbuttoned his jeans, then he leaned backward with his hands supporting him. He gazed the other boy, throwing back the challenge to act.

 And Kasper did, he closed the distance and kneeled, bringing his hands on his opened jeans. He looked up and licked his lips. When Joni didn’t say anything, he started to pull his pants down.

”Lift your hips,” he whispered huskily and when Joni did, he could pull the pants down completely, leaving Joni naked. Kasper bit his lip as his hands slowly traveled up on Joni’s thighs, to his flat stomach, and then down again, ”you’re the most amazing-looking guy I’ve ever seen.” Kasper praised and though it wasn’t anything Joni hadn’t heard before, right now It felt good to hear.

Kasper leaned forward, snuggling between his thighs before moving closer to… Joni felt the hot breath on his skin and sighed contently when he felt Kasper starting to kiss him there, hardening him further before finally taking his length between his lips.

And it felt amazing! Joni closed his eyes, he listened to the music, Kasper’s breathing, his moans, the sloppy sucking sound and he felt his hands touching his body where they could reach…

Joni’s mind started to take him elsewhere, to a place where he was with someone else and instantly his skin grew hotter, and his lips parted into a silent moan. He licked his lips and moved his hips up to meet with the warm, moist cavern surrounding him.

Fingers on his skin, playing with his nipples, going down, down… down until they reached his entrance, something slick, finger pushed in and all he could think of was Misha. Misha was doing this to him, and the music faded somewhere… He brought his hand on his chest, feeling how hot his skin seemed to be, he found his way to his nipple and played with it, getting lost in his fantasy.

He had of course felt Kasper’s slick fingers moving in him while the other had pleasured him with his mouth, but he hadn’t really thought of going all the way… They hadn’t talked about it before but… he had come there, and … Kasper moved on top of him, and Joni realized he wanted to penetrate him. He didn’t ask it out loud, simply seemed to assume, he just slipped the condom on, and Joni saw it.

Joni on the other hand was terribly confused at that moment, unsure If he wanted it or not. But he was there, they were there, and they were naked. His mind was in turmoil, he just wasn’t sure, wasn’t sure he wanted this… Kasper positioned himself, silencing the possible protest Joni still wasn’t sure of giving and it was awkward and uncomfortable. The sloppy wet kisses, Kasper’s heavy breathing as he relentlessly continued to thrust himself in.

Joni winced, feeling the length moving in further bringing more discomfort than pleasure and he found he didn’t like it. At least Misha had given him time to adjust but Kasper seemed way too eager. Sloppy kisses, impatient thrust, pleasuring for Kasper, but an awkward and displeasing experience for Joni.

”You feel so amazing, oh god you’re so tight… fuck…nnh…yeah, yeah…” Joni felt disgusted, he didn’t like it, he didn’t want to continue.

”Stop, take it out,” he asked.

”Aah… just… I will… soon, just… so close…” and Kasper only pushed in faster until he was panting hard.

”Stop, get off!”

”I-I will… soon… oh god… so close… nnh…” and with two final thrusts, Kasper reached his climax. He collapsed on top of Joni, panting and sweaty.

”Get off me, now!” Joni squirmed under him and feeling exhausted and relaxed, Kasper pulled out, wiping sweat from his forehead.

Joni was breathing hard, trembling from anger and an overwhelming feeling of disgust. He got up shakily from the bed.

”I told you to stop!” He screamed.

”And I did…”

”Yeah, AFTER you got off!” Joni started looking for his clothes and started to dress, the beginning of his sex life obviously sucked!

”Baby… I… you… I was already in!” Kasper sat up looking at him, seeing his eyes flashing with anger.

”When I say stop then you fucking stop! I DON’T CARE WHEN I SAY IT!” Joni pulled his pants on, ”and don’t ever call me baby, we are soooo over!” He had thought Kasper was the good guy, but obviously… And now he was even more confused.

”Joni, look, I’m sorry, I… did I hurt you? I’m sorry, really am,”

Joni shook his head in anger, trembling from it, he wanted to punch at Kasper’s face and then ask him if it hurt. And yet the other voice in his mind wondered if he was too dramatic, he could have stopped it sooner, he should have. He shouldn’t have come here.

”Joni, hey, I am sorry, I-” Kasper watched helplessly as Joni was almost done with dressing. ”Was it Misha?” He asked.

”Excuse me?!”

”The one you were with, the one who fucked you earlier?” Kasper asked, starting to get dressed as well. Joni had stopped and now watched him with his mouth open.

”Just what the fuck gave you that idea?!”

”I- the way you were looking at each other, what he said and… what you’ve said… what you said when… Joni, I- I like you. If I hurt you I’m sorry, but I was already in, and it- ”

”You asshole!” Joni screamed, ”just freaking stay away from me, all right?! Don’t call me, don’t even look at me just stay the hell away and I won’t say anything to your friend.” 

Joni wasn’t sure if he was more upset about Kasper mentioning Misha or the fact that he hadn’t stopped early. He could hear him starting to cry, and he was repeating sorry repeatedly. Joni don’t look back when he finally left, his head was pounding, and he just wanted to punch at something.

Walking home, feeling pain and regret, he thought of Misha, he thought of what Kasper had said and done and he thought of the night that he had shared with Misha, it had felt good… at least it had felt good… and maybe Misha had been right? Maybe he had been right all along and maybe… No! He didn’t want to think of him, but he couldn’t stop… Why couldn’t he stop? What was happening to him? He had only wanted Misha to… notice him… To like him. But maybe he had just screwed everything up already.

Web published: January 27th, 2008.

My Secret Shore

edited; April 3rd 2022


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