14.So Just

Joni gazed at himself through the mirror, music played in the background, people around him moved around looking busy. Jami was nervous, Cosme was annoying and Susa was… excited. Cosme had arranged most of the other models, there were both men and women, all of them tall and slender, the kind who would fit perfectly into his clothes. Originally Sonja was supposed to be one of the models as well, but because of Cosme she had decided to stay out of it; he had told her that she was the wrong size. Ivo, who had also at first agreed to model to help Jami out, had decided after this incident not to include himself. He didn’t like Cosme’s attitude. Misha also immediately informed me that he wouldn’t participate either.

Most of all Joni felt bad for Sonja, she had already gotten excited over the idea of playing a model. Jami felt bad as well, but it was understandable that he wasn’t keen on making a huge number out of it so that there would remain some sort of agreement between her and Susa. Joni believed that it would have been better if they had pushed Cosme out of the whole thing, because now what was supposed to be an event to promote Jami’s and Sonja’s new salon was about to turn into Cosme’s show. He didn’t want to voice his opinion though because at that point it would have been too late. Because Jami had begged him, Joni had agreed to stay as his model.

Jami walked over to finish his hair; Cosme strode soon after him and opened the few buttons that the shirt had to reveal his chest more. ”We need to show off a little bit of skin, it’s what the crowd is expecting.” The man said and winked. ”Soon it’s your turn.” Joni sighed, he couldn’t wait for the whole thing to be over.

Misha sat next to his brothers at the club waiting for the show to start. Sonja was with them. The place was quite full, both genders, most seemed to be male though. A group who sat at the table next to them seemed to be in the party mood; they had already drowned a drink or two, perhaps more. Misha couldn’t help but to wonder how many of the people present had come over to watch the show for hairstyles and fashion. The people next to them seemed to have come there to drink and perhaps look at the models. This realization made Misha glad that he hadn’t agreed to go on the stage. He would have only felt uncomfortable.

Misha glanced at Sonja who was sucking a colorful drink from a straw and gazed at the empty stage almost longingly. She would have wanted to perform so badly and Misha felt sad for her. The whole thing had been handled stupidly, but one couldn’t point this out to Jami. Misha simply hoped that everything would go smoothly and that the crowd would behave and wouldn’t shout out obscenities during the show. Misha felt somewhat worried when he had heard Joni’s name being mentioned a couple of times around him. There were some people present who had gotten to their knowledge that Joni was performing from that odd fan page of his. The fact that Joni had fans wasn’t the peculiar part, but the fact that someone had gone through all that trouble in creating the page, without them knowing who it was. It worried him to some extent, the fact that Chris was released made him paranoid.

”Have you ever seen Joni on the runway before?” Ivo asked through the noise, interrupting his thoughts. Misha shook his head and took a sip of his beer.

”No, I don’t think I have, it’s quite interesting.” He replied and allowed his gaze to wander among the crowd. Joni had told him that he had seen a nightmare the previous night, where Chris was in the audience and now the thought returned to him even though it was impossible. They would know if Chris hadn’t left the country or if he would have returned. Chris was nowhere to be seen, but instead, he found a familiar face among the strangers and this person looked straight back at him. The man smiled and waved as he was waiting in line to get a drink from the bar. Misha lazily waved back at him and smiled. He hadn’t seen Mikael for a couple of years although Helsinki wasn’t that big nor its gay circles.

After getting his drink, Mikael approached their table, apparently with the idea of coming over to talk. Misha hoped that he wouldn’t ask to sit with them. Their blossoming relationship in the past had ended somewhat awkwardly when Joni had managed to mess it up. Mikael had thought that it was ok to date him and at the same time hit on a teenage boy who happened to be Joni. Mikael stood next to the table and smiled.

”Long time no see,” he said. ”How are you, Misha?” He asked while Misha remembered how Joni had at the time teased him about dating a man who kind of had the same forename as him, spelled only in slightly different letters. Misha had denied it, there were few to call him by the name Mikhail anyway. Joni had then proceeded on telling how he would never date another Joni, or then this other Joni would have to change his name or use his other name, he wouldn’t have to. 

”Yes, it has been a long time.” He agreed, snapping from his thoughts. ”How are you?”

”I’m good.” Mikael smiled. ”I just got back from Spain, I worked there for a couple of years as a bartender. I got back to continue my studies.”

”Interesting,” Misha said, only to say something.

”And you? I heard you’re dating now?”

”Yup.” Misha nodded and Mikael stayed there staring at him with a dumb expression.

”With Joni? He’s one of the models here tonight, isn’t he?”

”Yes.” Short answers worked and Mikael started to look around.

”Well, it was nice to run into you. I think I better start looking for my friends. We should meet up again sometime, have a cup of coffee or something?” Mikael suggested and Misha gave him a forced smile.

”Yes, perhaps. Anyway, have a nice evening.” He nodded and Mikael left looking somewhat hesitant. Misha grasped his beer and took a sip while Ivo watched him with a grin. ”What?” Misha sighed.

”Nothing,” Ivo said but continued grinning and looking suspicious. It was nothing new though, not really, Ivo often managed to behave and look suspicious.

”Eva is over there,” Dima said suddenly, smiled, and waved at his former girlfriend who was with her friend Kasper as usual. Together the pair weaved their way through the crowd trying to find a free table. Eva smiled and waved back excitedly when spotting them and Dima signaled for them to come closer. Misha sighed heavily as the pair drew closer. He wasn’t particularly keen on sitting at the same table with Kasper, but Dima was already looking for free seats for them.

Eva sat next to her cousin, opposite Dima, and Kasper ended up next to Misha. The blond emptied his glass and decided to get more to drink just to bear the situation a little better.

Kasper sensed Misha’s reserved attitude to him and he couldn’t help but feel somewhat uncomfortable as well. Eva had however broken up with Aki and now that Dima was free as well… Kasper had agreed to accompany her, knowing that she nurtured a hope that she could warm things up with Dima. Kasper looked around and his gaze stopped when he spotted Aki sitting at a table quite near the stage. There were other people around him, but still, it seemed like he was alone.

Eva had been the one to break it off with Aki and there hadn’t seemed to be any drama involved, at least not the kind that he would have heard of. Seeing the man, however, made Kasper wonder if he had known that Eva was going to be there. He leaned closer to Eva. ”Aki is here,” he whispered closer to her ear and for a moment Eva looked perplexed.

”Where?” She asked and Kasper pointed in the direction. ”You gotta be kidding me,” Eva sighed. ”Is he following me?” She wondered even though Aki wasn’t even looking in their direction.

”What?” Dima asked.

”My ex-boyfriend is over there, Aki, you remember?” Eva asked and Dima looked towards the man. He frowned, Aki was looking towards the stage, not at them.

”I remember,” Dima nodded. ”Has he been bothering you?”

”No… It hasn’t been that long since I left him.” Eva replied. A small part of her perhaps held the hope of a small conflict that would wake Dima’s need to protect her. But Aki hadn’t seemed one bit upset when she had told him that she didn’t want to continue dating him.

”Well, perhaps he’s here by chance.” Dima smiled and at the same moment the lights turned bright on the stage and Susa and Cosme walked to the center through the curtains. Jami was probably getting the models ready backstage

”Welcome to our show!” The woman started and introduced herself; the name of their salon was reflected on the big screen behind them. ”We’re celebrating the opening of our new salon this weekend and tonight we’re presenting some of our work to you all. Be sure to get your coupons from the door before you leave! The coupon entitles you to a twenty percent discount on any of our services. The coupons are valid until the end of this year. You’ll also get to see the designs of my very talented friend Cosme… A warm welcome from both my business partner Jami’s behalf and mine. Enjoy the show!”

Cosme’s name was also reflected on the screen and the man took the microphone from Susa before she left the stage. ”It’s wonderful to see you all here in such huge numbers…” He started and continued rambling about how he first started in the fashion industry and how passionate he was towards fashion. Misha exchanged looks with Ivo, the man awoke a mix of amusement and embarrassment in them. Cosme was as stereotypical as a gay man could get; all through his clothes and the way he spoke.

Joni had however said that the clothes he designed were pretty decent except the avant-garde collection.

Finally the show started; with bombastic music and light effects. The first models stepped on the runway, a man and a woman. The drunken idiots from the nearby table cheered. The music and the models changed, the hairdos, colors and clothes complimented each other well and Ivo felt proudness for his partner who had seemed to worry for nothing. The group over at the next table graded the models looks and behinds, they could hear whistling from somewhere distant.

Finally there was a small break, until a smoke machine was used. Lana Del Ray’s God’s and Monsters started playing and Joni stepped on the stage. The music seemed to flow perfectly with the surroundings and how Joni carried himself. For a moment the crowd fell silent, Misha found himself holding his breath, he watched in enthralled state how Joni moved slowly, almost ethereal, mystical and sexy, and Misha couldn’t help but to feel proudness rising in his chest. At that moment everyone at the club had their eyes fixed on his partner and Misha was the one who would take him home that evening.

The next table awoke to comment on Joni’s look with approval. Somewhere distant Misha could hear someone shouting: ”Fuck yeah!” and somewhere else: ”Great ass!” Misha fixed his eyes on his partner who showed no sign of being affected by the comments thrown at him. ”Take the clothes off!” Someone shouted and Joni didn’t even flinch, he looked straight at Misha and smiled suggestively.

”Innocence totally lost…” Misha heard from the table next to them, but decided to ignore it. Two other models stepped on the stage after Joni, who now stood at the center, two other at his sides, they all turned slowly.

Kasper glanced at Aki, the man had played with his cell phone most of the time and when Joni was on stage it seemed like he was filming it or taking pictures without the flash. Why? Kasper wondered, when the comments were shouted out Aki smiled. He hadn’t even once glanced towards Eva and Eva was more focused in talking with Dima. Finally Aki looked around and met with his gaze. Aki had a neutral mien at first, until he smiled and waved. Insecurely Kasper waved back, something was off in the whole deal. Aki focused back on his phone like there wasn’t anything strange in the situation and perhaps there wasn’t.

As the song drew closer to the end Cosme suddenly walked to the stage and Joni slowed his steps in confusion. The man approached him with his arms stretched out; they hadn’t talked about this. Joni stopped to his spot to avoid collision with the man who continued to approach him head on. Cosme had black angel wings on his back and glitter on his face. With clear intention Cosme stopped in front of him and before Joni could react the man was already kissing him. The crowd cheered and clapped and Joni felt petrified. Cosme released his hold of him, smiled widely when he passed him and continued his way to the front of the stage.

The clapping continued, other models walked out from the back with Jami and Susa. Joni had to collect himself fast, he was furious but did his best not to let it show to the audience. He joined the other models on the stage in previously designed order. Inside he felt like screaming, he wanted to run from the stage and let his anger show to Cosme, but he knew how bad it would look to outsiders. It seemed that at that moment all of his options were poor. By staying he would seem to approve what had taken place and most people probably thought that the whole thing was planned.

Misha watched the scene with surprise, Cosme’s outfit and the fact that he had just kissed Joni in front of everyone had come out of nowhere and he wasn’t quite sure how he should react to it. He could read from his partner’s face that it had come as a surprise to him as well and even from the distance Misha could sense Joni’s desire to smack the designer behind his ears, but at the same time he managed to compose himself surprisingly well. In the end the whole situation was so comical that Misha had to fight so that he wouldn’t start laughing.

Cosme strode to the front of the stage like he owned the place, Jami and Susa behind him. Jami looked utterly perplexed over what had happened. Towards the end the show had gone well, Cosme gave a long speech after which Susa and Jami got their turn. The stage cleared, music and the sound of chatter filled the club.

”What the hell was that?” Ivo asked in Russian and Misha couldn’t even look at him because he was afraid to burst out in laughter and when he thought how improper it would be for him to laugh when Jami and Joni would return the more he had to fight with it.

As Joni walked from the backstage towards the table where Misha sat with the others he couldn’t help but to notice the sneer on his face. He smiled to himself and shook his head trying to make his way through the crowd and at the same time ignore the looks that he got.

”And you’re just laughing!” Joni commented when he got close enough. ”I was a victim here and you’re laughing!” He slapped Misha’s shoulder playfully. ”You should be defending my honor!” He added with a grin.

”I’m sorry, it was just so comical…” Misha started but then realized his mistake. ”Not you!” He hurried to say. ”I mean…”

”Matti a.k.a Cosme,” Joni sighed. ”I need a drink… it was horrible… Who the hell does he think he is? An angel of judgment? He basically just drew the whole attention of the show to himself… Uh, disgusting creature…”

”I can get you a drink, what would you like?” Kasper said suddenly and Misha gave the younger man almost a poisonous look, which made Kasper swallow thickly.

”I’ll get it.” Misha said and planted a kiss on Joni’s lips before getting up.

”Would you bring a beer to Jami as well, I think he’ll need it.” Ivo commented. ”And a vodka for me.” He grinned after. ”Actually, bring Jami a vodka shot as well, I think a beer just won’t cut it.”

”And you want a vodka shot as well?” Misha asked, looking at Joni.

”No, a beer will do.” Joni replied. ”Thank you.” He added and after Misha left Joni turned his attention to Kasper, smiling slightly. If Dima would start dating Eva again, it kind of meant that Kasper came with the deal as well and he’d had to learn how to act naturally around him.

”It was a great show.” Kasper started and Joni couldn’t help but to chuckle.

”Really…” He said almost sarcastically. ”How are you?”

”I’m fine.”

”How are your studies going?”

”It’s alright,” Kasper smiled. ”It’s pretty intense, but music gives a nice balance.”

”Lawyer services and guitar playing for the stressed out customers might be a good business plan.” Joni winked while wondering how he would have reacted if his own lawyer had suddenly grasped a guitar and started playing a ballad of the trial. Then he might not have had the humor for it, but on the other hand…

Kasper smiled looking at Joni, he felt ridiculously happy that he was talking to him. ”Perhaps…” He replied. ”You’ll get a discount if you ever need legal services.” He said and cursed in his mind because out loud it had sounded utterly stupid. Joni, who had allowed his gaze to wander around the club, noticed that he felt self-conscious over some looks that he got; he looked back at Kasper and gave him a small smile.

”Thank you, I’ll keep that in mind.” 

”It will be some time before I graduate of course, but…” Kasper started but fell silent when Misha got back and settled between him and Joni. Joni’s attention was drawn back to his fiancé. They kissed each other and Kasper diverted his gaze elsewhere. He thought he saw a glimpse of Aki among the crowd, but soon the man disappeared again. What was he up to? For a straight man he seemed to enjoy his time strangely well at a gay club where the normal party atmosphere had taken over.

Jami joined their company. He gave an apologetic look to Joni. ”I’m so sorry, I really didn’t know about that…” He said and Joni who had just taken a sip of his glass smiled.

”I know, it wasn’t your fault.” He said.

”Come here on daddy’s lap, take some vodka, it will cheer you up…” Ivo tapped his knee and Jami moved to his partner and sat down.

”I feel like I’ve made a huge mistake in the choice of my business partner…” Jami sighed with a stressed out voice. Ivo wrapped his arms around his waist. ”Susa had known about Cosme’s plan, they just didn’t see the point in talking to me about it first, probably because I would have turned it down.”

”Don’t worry, if it gets tough I’ll buy you out of it… Don’t stress…” Ivo said. ”Or I come over to set things right with my friends, mafia style.” He grinned and gave the drink to his boyfriend. Jami managed to smile slightly.

”How did it seem otherwise?” Jami asked carefully.

”It looked good, I’d come to your salon if I wasn’t already your customer.” Dima smiled and the others nodded. It was better that they wouldn’t speak of Cosme’s questionable act that had turned the show into a near comedy. How many people from the audience remembered what the point had originally been?

Aki had taken notice of Kasper’s questioning gaze. Perhaps he wondered what he was doing at the club, maybe he thought that he had come for Eva, in the end it didn’t matter. Eva had ended their relationship with a phone call, which had been expected. Aki hadn’t felt like going through the trouble of breaking up and could grant the satisfaction to her.

Aki recorded Joni’s performance with his cell phone, planning to send the footage to Chris later. He had to feed Chris’ jealousy; he had already invested in the show and wanted to see it though. At the same time Chris had to think that all of it was done with sincere desire to help him. The whole thing could explode in their hands, his own or Chris’, or Joni and those closest to him. The risk was high, but without any risks no game was interesting enough to play.

Later Aki circled the club, trying to avoid Kasper’s curious gaze. He found a good spot to observe them. Joni sat next to his partner, drinking and laughing at something with the others. Jami sat on his boyfriend’s knee and at first he had seemed stressed out but now was smiling with the others. Aki wondered what kind of move he could take next, how he could use his barber in this game… Aki also followed with slight amusement Eva’s attempts to win his ex-boyfriend’s heart back.

Kasper sat in the role of loyal friend among the others although clearly he felt like an outsider. At times Kasper gazed at Joni dreamily and it amused Aki. Kasper had no hope, his infatuation to Joni was somehow fascinating however, just like Chris’ obsession to his ex was and the love between Misha and Joni. Aki was fascinated by other people’s emotions and their intensity, he himself had never felt love and never quite came to understand it, but he was keen on observing it in other people.

His observation was interrupted when a young, girly boy walked over and started hitting on him. Aki glanced at the boy who was slender and petite, wore makeup and tight clothes and his attitude reeked of self-confidence in his appearance. It was difficult to estimate the boy’s age, he looked younger than what he perhaps was and this boy who called himself Arttu asked if he would buy him a drink, at the same time signaling his willingness for sex.

Aki pondered about it for a moment. He was somewhat annoyed by the youths appearance and his arrogance in asking for a drink, but on the other hand, if he was this willing to offer himself, then perhaps he could offer him a drink for a certain payment.

”I have better drinks at home, want to come with me?” He asked and smiled at how easily the boy made his decision. He really had no sense of self-protection. They left together to collect their coats; perhaps a small amusement in between would do himself good.


Chris struck his fist towards the punching bag in a trying manner, the bag jerked pitifully from the impact giving no satisfaction. He gave another strike, this time getting a bigger movement. He imagined Joni’s new boyfriend, his fiancé in its place, and felt the rage building up. He struck, again and again, kick, fist, kick… He had felt frustrated for days and the feeling only kept growing. Work brought at least some routine that helped him keep it together, but as the days progressed he felt loneliness and boredom taking over. Was this really how his life was now?

Day after day, early wake, to the warehouse, then gym, followed by computer and games… And at the same time… Joni was happy with another. Chris hadn’t met any of his old acquaintances and no one called, not his family, not his former friends, only Adam and Aki.

Aki had sent him pictures and now he was haunted with an image where Joni was kissing his new partner in a crowded bar. It shouldn’t be like this… Joni had given him a promise of something better and then taken it away… And now… It felt difficult to see how things could work out for the better.

It was Friday evening and after leaving the gym, Chris stopped at the store to buy a couple of beers. Boxing had offered him a momentary release of pressure, but another kind of hunger dwelled inside and brought a new kind of frustration that boxing couldn’t ease. Different kinds of memories ran through his mind and he couldn’t escape them, he couldn’t stop thinking about Joni who had become almost like a drug to him. Chris recognized his addiction and that sensible part of him that still tried to divert his thoughts into something else and make him let go of the past, was simply losing the fight.

After getting home, he opened his computer, opened a can of beer, and searched for the secret folder where he had saved some of Joni’s nude pictures. This was the benefit of digital pictures; you could save them in numerous places. Chris smiled to himself; did Joni think that they were gone completely? And how badly he wanted that they wouldn’t be spread out in the public? – Perhaps he would find that out later. He could feel the heath spread on his skin, his heartbeat speeding up, he licked his dry lips and swept his hand over his crotch. His pants felt tight. He had tried to avoid looking at the pictures but in the end, it was in vain… Still, even these pictures couldn’t satisfy the burning hunger inside.

Chris signed into a gay chat by the nick Nathan29. If he wouldn’t find suitable company from the chat room then he would proceed his evening into a bar and try his luck there. For a moment he followed others’ messages before trying his own. ”29-year-old, muscular top searching a brunet, athletic bottom for this evening, age between 18-25.” He also wrote the area where he was looking from. He got a couple of replies quite fast, one asked for his measurements, the other wanted to know if a red hair would do and perhaps at any other moment it would have been alright, but now he wasn’t prepared to yield. The hair color was important.

Ryan23: ”176cm, 65kg, 23 y old. Brown hair, greenish eyes, athletic jogger. Describe yourself more?”

Nathan29: ”186cm/90kg/18cm, blue eyes, short light brown hair.”

Ryan23: ”Sounds good 🙂 What do you have in mind?”

Nathan29: ”I’m horny as hell, don’t need useless chit-chat or tender romance.”

Ryan23: ”You like it rougher, huh? ;)”

Nathan29: ”Yes, you can say that. Would you be ready for it?”

Ryan23: ”It turns me on.”

Nathan29: ”Good.”

Ryan23: ”I’m going out to a club in town, see you there? If it doesn’t click then we both move on.”

Nathan29: ”Just tell me where and when.”

They agreed to meet at a gay club that Chris had once visited with Joni. They changed further descriptions of each other, not photographs and this made Chris wonder what kind of guy would eventually show up and if he had lied about his appearance. He didn’t question his chance to find a new partner though if Ryan turned out to be a disappointment, but the different matter as if he’d find someone to fill the look criteria.

Chris arrived on time. He ordered a beer from the counter and looked towards the entrance like they had agreed. Five minutes later a young man that fit the description entered, their gazes met and the youth grinned with approval. Ryan got closer after leaving his jacket and Chris was happy that he hadn’t lied about his looks. His face was ordinary looking, with short brown hair that had been styled with gel. He was cute enough but Chris couldn’t help but compare him to Joni and it was why a small part of him felt disappointed.

”Nathan?” Ryan asked when he got closer and Chris nodded.

”Now, I must say that I’m positively surprised.” Ryan grinned. ”I was sure that I’d meet some bold, middle-aged man with a beer belly.” He joked and Chris tried to smile, the smile felt strange and fake on his face and he hoped it wouldn’t look that way to Ryan.

”Want something to drink?” He asked, observing Ryan’s face. His eyes were greenish-brown, his lips were… They weren’t exactly thin, but not full either. The skin on his forehead was uneven and it seemed that he had tried to cover the impurities with makeup. Joni’s skin was close to perfect and memory returned to Chris’ mind when Joni had once complained during their skype conversation how he had gotten a zit on his forehead. Saying it had been close to ruining his life, by growing in insane measurements. He had described how many minutes it had taken him in the morning to arrange his hair so that the zit wouldn’t be visible. Joni had exaggerated, making it a much bigger drama than reality because he had seen how his superficial problem amused Chris. And Chris missed all those silly conversations, Joni’s flirting, he’s joking, he implies… Everything.

”Rum and coke,” Ryan replied and Chris made the order. He tried to chase away the memories. At a time before he had met Joni, he would have found Ryan more attractive than now. He yearned for another person’s touch, most of all he yearned for contact, warm skin against his own, that he could once more feel strong and desired by someone.

”Well, Nathan, what do you think?” Ryan asked, eyeing him without hiding his lust and Chris smiled.

”You got a place?” He asked, not wanting to take Ryan in his own home, not wanting him to know unnecessary details about himself.

”I have a place,” Ryan grinned and took a sip of his glass. ”No unnecessary chit-chat, no pointless tenderness, and romance, right?”

”Pretty much,” Chris smiled and Ryan nodded with approval.

”Let’s drink these first then we can go.” Ryan winked and Chris nodded. The situation felt odd and a little bit forced. Ryan observed him with a smile. ”Do you often look online for a partner?” He asked.

”No, it has been years since the last time,” Chris replied. ”And you?”

”From time to time… I was going to come here tonight anyway but decided to check the chat room first. It’s easier sometimes when it’s already clear to both what the other wants, right?” Ryan leaned closer looking into his eyes. ”What do you have to do to get a body like yours?” He asked with a flirting tone. Chris took a sip of his glass, he had been more comfortable with a conversation like this before Joni. One nightstands had been his normal life, now he felt tired to have even this small teasing conversation. He would have wanted nothing more that to skip it and go straight to the business.

”Gym, boxing…” He replied, eyeing Ryan’s face still wanting to find some of Joni’s features. The younger man touched his arm, feeling his muscles with admiration.

”Hmh… I don’t know anything sexier than a well trained man such as you…” Ryan whispered and watched as Chris emptied his glass. ”You’re not a man of many words, huh Nathan?” He grinned.

”No,” Chris replied and saw the amusement in the others’ eyes.

”Alright,” Ryan emptied his glass and placed it on the counter. ”Let’s go then?” He said and Chris followed him to the cloakroom.

”That was a short visit.” The doorman teased.

”Why waste time?” Ryan grinned back and winked at the man. Chris wondered if the two knew each other but didn’t say anything and followed the younger man out after getting his coat.

”We can walk,” Ryan said and they walked side by side on the dark street. The wind was freezing, the rain had watered the asphalt, the weather was all in all depressing. Their steps echoed against the street and they walked in silence. At times Chris could feel how the younger man observed him with a curious gaze, but he too remained silent.

Ryan lived in a modest apartment building. They walked into the small hall and Chris made quick assumptions; a student, books, modest furniture, nothing special. They took their coats off and eyed each other. Ryan smiled.

”Want something to drink?” The younger man asked. Chris was silent, stared at the other, and wondered how long it had been since his last time, he thought about Joni, thought about sex, and felt how his organ started to respond. He approached Ryan, grasped him, and pushed against the nearest wall; he kissed him with his eyes closed. Chris wanted to feel Joni in Ryan’s place but the taste was wrong. Ryan chuckled softly.

”Eager…” The voice was wrong. Chris didn’t want Ryan to speak, he wanted to drown himself in his fantasy, his illusion that he was with Joni, and if Ryan spoke it would ruin it.

He turned the younger man around, held his palm against his mouth, and started groping his ass roughly. Chris fumbled to get the buttons open from Ryan’s pants, a click of a belt; he yanked Ryan’s pants down and helped with his foot. ”Step out of them,” He panted in his ear kissing Ryan’s neck and the younger man nodded. Slowly Chris lowered his hand from his mouth. ”Undress yourself fully, don’t turn.” He ordered and Ryan gazed at him over his shoulder, smiling in arousal.

Chris stared at the naked back and buttocks that were revealed. The skin wasn’t quite as flawless or smooth as Joni’s, but if he really tried to imagine… Chris opened his pants, rubbing his organ. It had been too long… ”Want me to fuck you?” He asked.

”Mmh… Yes,” Ryan sighed and turned around. Chris frowned.

”I said don’t turn!” He snapped and for a moment the younger man looked confused. Chris took his arm and dragged him into the kitchen, in front of the table and forced him against it on his stomach.

”Do you have a condom?” Ryan asked and Chris could sense the slight worry from his voice.

”Yes,” he assured and kissed Ryan’s neck tenderly. The younger man sighed expectantly when Chris pressed his organ against his buttocks.

Chris brought his hand between Ryan’s legs. He started fondling the velvety skin of his erect penis while nibbling at his earlobe with his teeth; Joni had liked when his ears were touched… There had been a time when Joni had been just as eager as Ryan was now to his touch and Chris missed that.

Chris took a condom from his pocket, opened the package before rolling the condom over his hard organ. He then took a small bottle of lube spreading it on Ryan’s opening with haste and then settled properly behind him guiding his dick against the opening. Chris brought his hand once more to cover Ryan’s mouth before he penetrated him roughly. The younger man whimpered, his body tensed up for a moment. Chris closed his eyes as the wave of pleasure moved through him, the thoughts of Joni filled his mind and for a moment he was able to fool himself.

Chris started to move, rocking his hips in steady rhythm against Ryan and panted. It had been a year and a half since the last time he had been inside of Joni, but it was not the time he relived in his mind. He could hear Joni’s voice in his mind, feel him around him, under his fingers and Joni wanted him just as badly… Chris took his hand from Ryan’s mouth to stroke his erection in the same rhythm as his thrusts. He could feel the body beneath him trembling and his own climax approaching.

When Ryan came on his hand Chris soon followed with his own orgasm. He stayed still for a moment, opened his eyes and returned to reality. Ryan looked at him smiling over his shoulder and Chris pulled out, took the condom off. ”The bin is over there,” Ryan said and pointed in the direction. Chris didn’t say a word, walked over to the kitchen bin to throw out the used condom. He could feel Ryan’s eyes on his back. ”Who is Joni?” He asked suddenly and Chris startled slightly. ”You called me Joni.” Ryan added cleaning himself with a paper. When Chris didn’t respond straight away Ryan grinned and continued. ”It almost sounds like a woman’s name, but I don’t believe it’s a woman.”

”It’s none of your business.” Chris said, zipping his pants up.

”No, but I am curious. Lost love perhaps… A long distant relationship with a foreigner? It would explain the name.” Ryan guessed while getting dressed.

”Still, none of your business.” Chris said with a more emphatic tone and Ryan smiled.

”Fine, Nathan.” Ryan tilted his head. ”Feeling better?” He asked and grinned. ”I know I do. We can do this again sometime if you like,” he added and took a piece of paper to write his number down. He handed the paper to Chris. ”Here”,

”I’m not looking for a relationship.” Chris told him.

”I’m not either.” Ryan assured. ”But I like sex… and I don’t mind the roughness…” He winked. ”Call me sometime if you like or then don’t, it’s your call.” He shrugged then and moved to the fridge to take a beer.

”I Have to go now.” Chris said and Ryan nodded, staying in the kitchen. Chris walked out of the apartment, lost in his thoughts. His frustration had been relieved for a moment, but even though he had gotten his release it didn’t remove the longing that burned in his chest. He suspected that no one but Joni could offer that ultimate satisfaction.


 Web published: 29th of July 2015.

edited March 2022

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